Tag: sex
It All Started At the Lodge That Sunday Night: The End
continued: I saw the glint she gets in her eyes when she thinks there’s a bar within reach.
– II –
“What are you looking at?” I asked.
“Why don’t we go to the lodge so I can warm up by the fire and have a brandy?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Why not? Maybe we could have a steak afterward.” But, she said the food at the lodge was lousy.
Then I thought, won’t she be surprised when she discovers they don’t have a fire place at that lodge? It’s one of the worst lodges in town! And it’s not that big of a town!
Then I thought, “Oh, oh.” when I remembered it was Sunday!
I was pretty sure they weren’t serving liquor on Sunday!
Boy was she mad!
That was about the funniest thing that happened all day! You should have seen the look on her face! It was pure irony!
Later, that evening around nine thirty ..…
We got home around nine thirty.
She was angry and wouldn’t speak to me.
“You knew all along didn’t you!” she said.
“Well kind of. But i was hoping.”
Pause.
Finally I said, “Well, you know how it is!”
But she still didn’t believe me!
She walked away in a huff to take her evening bath but, the pilot light for the hot water heater had blown out and we didn’t have any God forsaken matches! The ones we had were wet!!
Then she got sick!
I thought at first she might be pregnant!
I asked her but as soon as the words spilled out of my mouth I realized we hadn’t had sex in over a year!
She cried after that.
“I wasn’t going to tell you,” she said in between sobs and retching, “But, I’m pregnant with Dick’s baby!”
“Dick’s baby!”
“What a relief,” I thought! “I’d been wanting to break up with her for almost five years!”
“That son of a bitch Dick had actuality done me a favor!”
#6 .. Transponding Transexual Transfers: A Detrimental Exchange Between Two Trainspotters From: Songs Heard But, Immediately Forgotten #6
#6
How are the transplants doing?
I’ll send pics. By the way, I had an epiphany when I separated the word trans from plants. Maybe I understand what transgender means now. Isn’t it kind of like almost sorta like grafting a tree?
There’s a series on TV called Transparent. It’s about a father who becomes a female. Get it? Trans-parent?
Transparenting! I get it! Long distance truckers are backing a bill … oh never mind … maybe there’ll be a day when one single person can fertilize an egg AND birth the child. Transporting through trans sexual transitioning of sexual roles …
I heard there was a problem. One of the trannies didn’t tell the other he was a male and ended up fuc ….. oh! sorry … ! Better let that one go.
Lets stick to walnuts and oranges here. I heard there’s new variety of tree called Mueslix tree.
Good god! The wonders of science! What will they think of next? Dehydrated water?
I heard it’s on the distant horizon! I also heard they’re working on parachutes that are so light they can hang on clouds! What do you think of that?
I think I want a trans brain. Maybe I could have part of Brian’s brain so I can recite complete movie scripts, have an engineer’s spacial perception and make really funny faces at the same time.
I hate it when he makes those faces! It ruins the story. They’re so grotesque I forget what the story’s about.
Well .. you gotta take the good with the bad with this trans stuff.
Yeah like, maybe shit’s trans since it’s soil that hasn’t come out of the closet? And what about these trans fats? Does cream come from cows who have been blindfolded since birth?
I don’t get it?
Neither do I. A second ago it made perfect sense but when I said it I got confused.
You just lost your thread.
It felt like I lost the whole spool there for a second. Maybe it was my train of thought? Maybe I need a train spotter.
That’s probably it. Hey … maybe I can get a trans brain from Jay Leno so part of the time I could be funny and not morose all the time.
That way when you got depressed you’d call it trans bi-polar temporary insanity.
Temporary insanity! That’s ok! I can live with that. The rest of the time I’d be a laugh riot!
They’d have to keep an eye on you. Laughing rioters are a menace! They think nothing of calling Grant’s tomb the funniest thing since chocolate pie.
They’d use trainspotter’s to keep an eye open for me, wouldn’t they?! Oh .. Hey! Call one to those gestalt cars to transport me away from this silly shit will you?
Why don’t we just have another cup of coffee and a piece of pie.
Are you buying?
I haven’t the faintest.
Well then ,,, I don’t mind if I do.
ZUMBA MY ASS!
Once again he was saddened by the thought that, “She never thinks i’m funny!“
Most of the things HE thought were funny, SHE thought were either stupid or sexually degenerate.
She hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the English language!
And she didn’t think sex was funny which he thought was even funnier than the word shit!
She used to say, “i don’t appreciate your barnyard humor.’’
He remembered the time she stormed out of the room after he said, “I’d love to be able to fly like a bird but, I wouldn’t want to BE a bird because when they have sex it’s over after a couple of quick thrusts!”
She said something over her shoulder as she stormed out of the room. All he heard was, “Compared to you.” He didn’t catch the rest.
Strange as it seems, he chuckled at the craziness of the situation.
“IT’S OK she doesn’t get it most of the time!’’ he thought. “Fer crying out loud you can’t connect on everything!”
Still, he hoped that occasionally she’d laugh at what he DID or SAID to BE funny instead of the unintentional things that happened which she thought were hilarious!
Like the time he was carrying the groceries in from the car, tripped over that stupid exercise ball she never used, fell and broke his shoulder!
She laughed so hard she didn’t even hear his pleas to call 911!
(The next day she told him she laughed so hard she peed her pants!)
Through the haze of pain he thought, “Well, at least she’s laughing!”
But then she got pissed because the exercise ball hit a nail and went flat.
As she walked out of the room the last thing he heard was, ‘’Call 911 yourself you clumsy ass. It’s your own damn fault! “
He had to fish the phone out of his back pocket. (Which isn’t an easy task when you’re lying on the floor with a broken shoulder. But the battery was dead!)
A moment later she came back into the kitchen.
She began picking up the groceries but she ignored him.
“But you’ve never used that thing!”, he said. “It’s bleached out from lying outside in the sun for TWO YEARS! After the first year, I made a landscape ornament out of that damn thing!”
She stared hard at him saying, “Well, I WAS thinking of joining that zumba class starting next week!”
Then she got huffy again. “Why don’t you just put the damned groceries away yourself?!”
She stormed out of the kitchen a second time.
Despite the pain he yelled, ‘’But zumba doesn’t USE exercise balls!’’
The last thing he heard before the door slammed was, ’’Good! I didn’t want to take that stupid class anyway!”
Later …
His right arm was useless and it was impossible to reach across the steering wheel to the shift knob and steer at the same time, so he had to drive the Mustang in first gear all the way to the hospital five miles away!
While it seemed strange to him at the time and despite the pain, he laughed all the way to the hospital.
The Last Time I Saw June
The last time I saw June was at a birthday party she threw for her nephew at their big old house one Saturday in late fall.
I’ll tell you what the inside of their house looked like because it plays a role in the tragedy.
Through the front door darkly colored stairs lead to a landing then right a few steps to the second floor.
Straight ahead on the first floor, half way to the kitchen, on the right was what we would call today, the living room where June threw the best birthday party ever; one continuous strand of low level activity, never boring, exactly like her summer yard parties except instead of booze and poker we drank Coke and played kid games.
June moved around the room cajoling, laughing at our antics, giving prizes.
With candles blazing, June brought the cake into our midst. We gathered, around, the room quiet for the first time.
Knife poised over the cake June, master of the tease, poked and prodded each of us until we were practically drooling before giving each of us a good sized piece of her frosted cake.
It’s easy to see how she lured him into the temptation to eat a piece of her cake deliciously sweet as I’m sure he thought it would be.
Unable to resist, within seconds I was asking for more.
After cake, we could play games inside or run around outside getting grass stains on our pants.
I explored the house.
Starting with the big yellow kitchen with its old fashioned faucets, windows looking down on the grassy area where Jim and June had their summer parties before the tragedy struck.
After looking into a scary space below the stairs so dank and dark I couldn’t see where it ended I decided to go outside but first, I had to pee.
June told me to use the bathroom upstairs.
I creaked up the stairs to the landing, turned right rising to where I found myself standing between the bathroom to my left (with its black and white tiles, green walls, pedestal sink and cast iron tub with curled feet) and a room at the end of the hall behind a closed door.
After peeing I tip toed toward the door at the other end the hall.
Half way, on the left, a well lit bedroom with high ceilings, a good sized six over six window looked down on the same sidewalk June and my dad walked on the night the tragedy began to unfold.
I opened the door and looked inside the room at the end of the hallway.
There was a ghastly darkness in the corners of the bedroom that seemed to suck light from the walls and floor creating a death like pall where later, I was to learn, June’s husband Jim had blown his head off with a shotgun.
Nick and Jessica Discuss College Level Sex Education
Another look at Nick and Jessica sparring about their favorite subject. Sex! Sex and laughing! “Wull, they’re almost the same aren’t they,” says Nick. Must be so. It looked like they both were having orgasms a while ago even though they were laughing. You be the judge ..
O.K. so, let me get this straight. You are going to tell me some important definitive facts about male sexuality that you learned in some bogus college level sex-ed class you took, that I would have known about since, we both went to the SAME SCHOOL!
Nick stares into his coffee cup, a smile on his face.
What I really think is, you’re going tell me some bullshit story you thought of after we relived the time I fell off my chair laughing in geometry class when you told me that stupid ‘two dogs fucking’ joke.
Nick and Jessica both chuckle. Jessica looks at Nick.
Why don’t you share with me some of the high points you learned in this class Nick like, maybe you learned the finer points of putting a freeking condom on or, the chemical composition of latex vs sheepskin?
In case you’re wondering Jessica, this was a real class that was held over next to the field house. The class had mostly jocks in it. I guess it was a pretty well kept secret so that only jocks could take it for an easy A.
That makes sense. They could major in Fly Tying with a minor in Sex Ed. right Nick?
Pause … Nick in repose.
Nick, I don’t believe a word you’re going to tell me but … you might make me laugh so what the hell. Let me have it.
Wull, like I said, those jock classes were a well kept secret. I took another class over there with all jocks called ‘Principles of Safety’. Both classes were easy A’s for those guys. Wull … for me too!
Principles of Safety! Oh my God! They should have combined the two classes into one Nick. A lot of girls were getting knocked up back when girls got married when they got pregnant. I pity those girls who had to marry those asshole jocks just because they didn’t know the finer points of how to put a condom on … I think they could have used a couple of those principles of safety don’t you?
Good God Jessica. You’re ridiculous. (Nick has a half smile on his face.)
Suddenly Nick’s eyes light up.
So, are you telling me you know a lot about about the sex life of jocks and condoms and that sort of thing? Are you telling me you’ve had a lot of experiences with ….
You know me better than that! NOT EXPERIENCES WITH NICK you dork ass! It’s what I HEARD! You forget, I’ve had a lot of female roomates who constantly astounded me with their stories about men.
Pause …
Like, did you know that men completely lose their sense of time when they have sex? They think that 3 or 4 minutes is like, a half hour. And they think that this, (Jessica holds up her thumb and forefinger about 3 inches apart) is six inches! And they say men are better at math?
That’s not math Jessica it’s geometry.
Shut up!
That’s a pretty funny statement especially when you’re always saying, ”Not that size matters.”
Jessica glares at Nick, her lips compressed in mock defiance.
Jessica! Jeeze, think of all the first hand knowledge you could have brought into that class. It’s too bad you didn’t know about it.
I was just thinking of some of the teaching aids that prof probably used. Way too strange to even think about. There’s this one vision I have, it’s a large display comparing a sheep’s vag …..
It was nothing like that Jessica! It was more serious in nature than that ….
Serious in nature! Ha ha HA .. Oh my fricking Herbie Hancock Nick! I can just imagine a roomful of dumb ass jocks learning about condoms and sheep and space and time.
Nick looks at Jessica with a serious look on his face.
So, now you’re telling me college level sex-ed is serious business! Highly intellectual right?
Pause. Nick looks down.
Or maybe you’re confused. Maybe the learning experiences you had actually took place at your apartment that one semester you got lucky a couple of times.
Pause …
For crying out loud Nick! Going to school for 4 years was a fucking sex ed workshop in itself wasn’t it? Mhmmm, that’s a special way of putting it.
(Jessica’s forehead is furrowed. she appers to be deep in thought).
Jessica turns her head to the right. She mutters under her breath, ”Christ almighty … the only people qualified to teach sex ed are women. Most men don’t know shit about sex even after they find out they don’t know shit!” Jessica shakes her head. She moves her elbow further to her left so she can get a better view of Nick’s face.
Nick looks into his coffee cup. If you look closely at the subtle expression on his face you can see he is enjoying everything Jessica says.
Look closer and it’s obvious that Nick is trying hard to suppress his laughter.
Jessica places her right elbow on the breakfast bar. The back of her head rests on the palm of her hand so she can see Nick’s face better.
Nick! Look a me! You know you’re full of shit don’t you?
Does it matter Jessica? (Nick bites his lower lip to conceal his amusement.)
Jessica can tell that soon they will both start laughing.
Nick and Jessica call fits of laughter ‘laugh orgasms’. At this point, Jessica realizes she is in the throes of experiencing a laugh orgasm.
Nick tells Jessica he seduces her into laugh orgasms. ‘It’s the foreplay of my words that control you completely, Jessica.” He calls her a ‘nympho-laugh-a-maniac’ which is funny to them no matter how many times he says it.
“I can always tell when you’re gonna lose control Jess. You look like you’re going to pee your pants. Then your face gets really red and you have this pleading look. When you can’t talk anymore I see tears forming along the bottom of your eye lids. That’s when know I’ve gotten into (what Nick calls) your laugh crack.”
Nick and Jessica usually cackle about the term ‘nympho-laugh-o-maniac”. Nick shortened the term. He calls her a ”nympho”. Jessica usually says,
‘’ I don’t care! I don’t give a shit if I’m a laugh nympho Nick! Give it to me baby! I can’t get enough! ”
Jessica does an imitation of James Brown, “I’m proud, I’m white and i’m a nympho! I’m white and I’m a nympho.”
Jessica continues her diatribe. Nick listens patiently, a smirk on his face.
Jessica’s face is getting red. Her voice is starting to come from her throat but with a hysterical tone.
I know a couple of girls who had enough life experiences that they would have had their masters degree in sex-ed by the time they graduated in four years. Don’t they call that klepping? You know, when you get credit for a class when you’ve have enough life experience in that area?
I don’t ….
Jessica looks pensive.
Actually, these girls could have had their fucking Phd’s in Sex Ed. within 4 years. Hey! That’s a great name for a degree in that area, don’t you think?
What? Dr. of Sex Education?
No Nick, you dork ass! A Fucking Phd!
Nick and Jessica dissolve into laughter. Nick’s elbows rest on the breakfast bar. His head rests against the fingers and thumb of his hands on either side of his face. His eyes are squinted shut.
Jessica’s head is thrown all the way back against the top of her spine. Her eyes are closed while her mouth is open with laughter. (Nick says the true measure of any orgasm, physical or from laughter, is when your head is thrown back and your mouth is open)
After 30 seconds or so, Nick and Jessica embrace and sway side to side while laughing.
When their laughter subsides they pull back and look at each other. Jessica’s cheeks are tear stained.
“Gosh Nick. That was really good. That was the best I’ve had in a long time. ….. Uumm … Let’s do it again.’’
Nick and Jessica break down while continuing to laugh.
More Sex Talk Between Nick and Jessica/Jessica and Nick
Jee-sus Jessica! Woody had had a smaller body than your dad didn’t he, for crying out loud, why wouldn’t he have a smaller dick?
I guess I was pretty stupid but what do you expect from a four year old brain? If you’ve only seen one c_ ck for the first four years of your life … not that i saw it that often … you tend to generalize. You think that all c..ks are the same size … not that size matters of course … . Well anyway … I don’t think there’s that much difference between the genitalia of women, unlike your species with it’s wide variation of penile personalities and looks.
Oh, is that right Jessica …?
Here’s something I just realized Nick.
Hey .. a penile epiphany?!
Listen to me .… it amazes me that with all the variation among men’s c_ _ks that they all have the same first name …… you know ………. , Peter! (Jessica is laughing but only her stomach laughs and little puffing sounds are coming out of her nose) I guess their last names are what distinguish each different c_ ck from all the others. (Nick’s mouth is agape.) Like your _ _ck would be named Peter Michaels. Don’t you think that having a name for your c_ck makes it so much more personal, Nick? Like, if I was screwing around with you all afternoon .. i said IF I was … and when I got home my mom asked me what i did all afternoon all I’d have to say is, I was with Peter Michaels, right Nick? How do you think that would work out.
That’s a funny thought isn’t it?
Well yes Jessica. That is a funny thought but, don’t you think she’d be dubious no matter what name you used? Or wouldn’t your mom think it strange that every date you had was with a guy named Peter but they all had different last names?
So, don’t tell me any jokes I don’t already know. I’m not that kind of girl and you know that …
Yes I do know that Jessica. Jessica Harvey, you are beautiful in every way. Well listen, I got a question for you, miss smarty pants …. what about families where there are a couple of brothers with the same last name? How would you work out the problem of giving their d_ _ks names?
… in cases like that you could use Dick or Rick or even Richard. hmmmm ,.. i bet they have special problems in China Nick. You know … there’s a laaaatt a Dongs over there Nickey boy!
Nick and Jessica dissolve into laughter. Jessica is making her hehehe sound, her face is red and a vein down the middle of her forehead is visible. She looks at Nick with a pleading look on her face. Her eyes are about to overflow with tears.
A lot’a dongs over there!! hahahaha …. .. Oh my God Jerssica. That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time. You’ve had a loooong dry spell there Jess. This one was a real ”topper”. hahaha ….
You are so goddamned funny sometimes … jeesus. The rest of the time you don’t know shit but … no no I didn’t mean it that way. You know that. Ok so let’s look at it this way. First of all, i can’t imagine a guy’s c_ _k named Dick Dick but .. that’s something we can talk about later. What i wanted to say was .. shit Jess … let’s face it, you haven’t seen that many male genitalia … as you call them … to know hardly anything about men’s c_cks. …….. And where do you get off making statements about women’s p_ _sys Jessica? You’ve probably seen fewer p_ _ seys then you’ve seen c_ cks.
Wull, I’ve seen my dad’s and well … a couple more maybe … and i ….
Oh yeah! That’s a huge random sample Jessica. You’ve seen your dad’s c_ _ck and several on the internet so I guess through extrapolation that makes you an expert on every man’s dick in the whole world, right?
…. got a lot of information off the internet. and of course i know what yours ….
Hey! I can see where this conversation’s going. I wanted to relive the time i saw you beating the shit out of Terry Scrivner that day he shot you in the face with his b.b. gun. But as long as we’re going down the yellow brick road of penis’ and vaginas …. continued …
Nick and Jessica Talk Sex
… I had to play the role of a bad ass for years after that. It was pretty hard to it pull off sometimes … especially when I was confronted by a REAL bad ass …
Hey Nick! We’re going back to the ”Mall Planet” aren’t we?
Yup ….. soooo, ok., ……………… where were we? ………
End of Part V, continued …
Part VI –
Nick and Jessica Laughed About Their Favorite Subject …
….. you know … ….. nothing really that significant ever happened to me before you came along Nick … (jessica is smiling) …
Bullshit, jessica. I lived four blocks over. I knew about you a lot sooner than we knew about each other.
And you’ve told me just about every memory you’ve had since the beginning of time. (smiles). Like, i know about the time you tried to set Lana Cole’s house on fire because she teased you about peeing the bed.
And you’ve given me a clear look into the past by telling me what it was like when Woody Woodhouse showed you his d__k when you were four y ears old.
… so, what are best friends for when you’re four years old other than getting a first time glimpse at a c_ck or a pu_sy? You should have seen the look on his face when he looked down at mine.
Pretty surprised huh?
Yeah, I don’t think that he thought there’d be that much difference between us.
… i always thought his name was so appropriate for that occasion, don’t you, jess?
I thought you hated that term Nick. You say that every time the subject of this story comes up.
But we get to make these snarky remarks … like, I get to call you a dumb shit ..and it’s funny so i say it to poke you because you give me those fucking physical pokes.
Jessica suddenly lurches at Nick’s rib cage with her finger extended … you want a little poke huh .. she start poking Nick in the side.
With Nick bent over laughing Jessica stops, stands up, smiles, thinks…. hmmmm …
“Listen Nick, this is serious business. I was thinking,, i’m sure woody has the sight of my … well, you know … p_ _sy — etched in his mind. It’s probably the template he has used for every girl’s p_ _sy he ever saw from that point forward throughout his whole life which …. this is not a bad thing is it nick?
I wonder if Woody Woodhouse even saw that many p_ssys in his whole life, Jessica? If i were a betting man I’d say he hasn’t even looked at his wife’s pu__y in a looong time, if at all.
After seeing mine, probably not Nick. He probably just glanced at his wife’s a couple of times in the beginning to see how it stacked up against mine … then went ahead and took the plunge. ..
… the plunge?
Yeah … It must have looked ok compared to mine so he asked her to marry him!
You’ve got some mighty high standards for marriage don’t you Jessica. ”Hmmmm … Her p_ _sy looks almost as good as Jessica’s did when we were 4 years old so, I think I’ll ask her to marry me.”
Nick and Jessica dissolve into laughter …
continued …
Sight II
Continued:
There’s a place where life is never bare of mice and madness, where the world will come again flogging itself with delight every step of the way; made more evil by men who besiege, hold prisoners in bonds of deepest despair; their love warped and cruel and rotten with usury to the core; unstable men, mean mother fuckers users abusers confusers, bastard misers thwarted useless pliers of love with pain, scorn hurters, driven to kill life’s most precious gift.
Will the end ever be in sight? Never!! Innocent love will always die by lies, life’s most precious gift taken and destroyed. They’ll always be the same, no matter …
From summers lost till spring when you were me and i and we; the times we ran together, we drank our fill never knowing … there’s killers out there the likes of which you’ve never seen, who lie their likes and dislikes, who spend their false revenue so freely to fuel their selfish lust with platitdes of loneliness and despair.
The End
Sight I
… or i might come up here and find white and dazzling, diamonds, chicken legs, easter eggs on the inland waterway, diamonds sparkling off cleavage water, trillions of carats for hugs. and why not? dazzling iridescent half life ur-anal-ium lives within the bones where dry spirit resides, where clothes fit right and everything flows down hill and grows big and horney inside … I might go there … .
Does it doesn’t matter … what’s right or wrong, what the others think in the quietude of their midnight thoughts, through trees against the black starlight trees a breeze awakens … next, full nuclear moons topped with heads with of full of sight but only knowing hind sight the proof so vainly made. Lighthouse visions cross the bay with diamonds pale by comparison. but I don’t care! mortuary johnnys come lately. what difference would it make?
Their ancient beasties water driven motion detectors, thousands and hundreds of million trillions of magi millions and scallions of spent worthless money … they took their own filthy lucre!
Yes!! i remember completely loved by those weaklings linking sausage casings, with joints and smokey joes?the spent crystal stones your heart’s treasure spent so carelessly, sewn within a trunk,
make them go! I can’t stand their betrayal!
Like it or not you say? i’ll just stop before my eyes burn me from inside, before it might get even worse …
It’s useless! They’ll just throw it all in the shit can anyway since this is the stink of all betrayers with their kind courtesy, the likers of no mercy, their words spoken from outer spice land while you don’t even know what to do about it but lay around and ’round watching the spinning wheel …
Continued …
Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll or How The Monkees and the Fugs Changed the World
The 60s and 70s were such tumultuous times!
It started when the song “Masturbation Fantasy’’ by the Fugs and ‘Pleasant Valley Sunday” by the Monkees drove baby boomers into an insane frenzy of utter and complete madness intent as they were, on remaking the world to their own liking.
Following The Fugs lead soon everybody was fucking everybody!
Adding idiocy to mayhem, Timothy Leary was telling people to get high on Nyquil or Contact Cold Syrup while Carlos Castenada told everyone they could be in two places at the same time. Their individual messages only fueled the fires of insanity described by the New York Times as, ‘an uprising of the deviant ‘mid-range I.Qers.’
Clusters of “long hairs” vomiting on street corners were seen brandishing psychedelic colored bottles of cold syrup held tightly in their clenched fists giving the finger or yelling ”Fuck you capitalist pig,” to men driving by wearing neck ties and fedora hats.
Women flaunted their breasts and wore crotchless jeans. A couple had sex on the Quad and no one even noticed!
After the Viet Nam War things changed. All of the draft dodgers were out of full time jobs. So, they decided to be part of the American dream.
Most of them became insurance agents or ‘Call Girls’ but a lot of them became Tupperware sales people, train conductors, Gal Fridays, car salesmen, psychiatric nursing technicians, convenience store clerks, short order cooks, corporate executives or they worked at GM or Ford.
Whenever their favorite ‘oldies’ station played “Pleasant Valley Sunday” they’d looked wistfully into the distance. The air, thick with charcoal smoke, they’d throw another burger on the bar-bee and tell stories about the good ‘ole days and their kids would just stay inside with their smart phones moving thumbs up and down not even giving a shit.
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … The End
Before the cackling to died down
i realized i had a chance
to get the hell out of there
IF
i didn’t say something really stupid
which would start another talk cycle …
a soft voice inside my head kept saying,
‘’quiet, quiet, quiet … ‘’
….. ….. …..
o.k. so …
if you really care
here’s what finally happened …
…..
I played it real cool … rose and
stretched, like i had just finished
my PhD thesis …
i walked toward the door
where i had all those thoughts about Alexander Graham Bell …
dropped my paperwork into the
Inbox, turned and said,
‘Hey, I gotta go.
i left my car running. have a great day … !
Oh! and Carol … call me ! …
i promise i’ll check my messages … ”
…..
i glanced back as the door closed …
all three of them we wore big grins …
jennifer’s head was twisted around
like the girl in the
Exorcist …
finally, the door clicked shut and …
i was free … !
walking away, I pictured the three of them
cackling another
G Note
because of what a big ‘’Clyde’’ i was …
Epilogue
For me,
life seems like a never ending
series of ridiculously funny episodes …
of course
it can also be a huge pain in the ass … !
the end of this episode was pleasing
enough …
i was happy to get out of there unscathed …
i didn’t even beat up on myself
for acting really stupid …
(of course, i’m not sure what happened
wasn’t really stupid … !)
but i guess as long as they all had
smiles on their faces
everything worked out just …
fine …
Fini …
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … (is it 6 or 7? oh! … sorry!)
– 6 –
… when that wall of sound washed over me me it
knocked my head straight back …
don’t they call that the G note,
or something like that … ?
(that’s not me …)
what’s funny is …
I wasn’t even trying to be
funny … !
…..
it was one of those moments when i found myself
unconsciously being completely
honest … ! almost like I was having an
out of body experience … !
spontaneous, innocent honesty is so
hard to find these days … !!
because it’s so rare … so totally unexpected …
it makes people laugh … !
…..
wull … what’s even funnier still is, …
looking back i see myself continuing to
ponder the question … !! .. !
(… why WAS the telephone invented … ?)
maybe Alexander Graham Bell was trying
to figure out a way to let his servants know
it was time to bring the soup
to the dining room upstairs …?
or,
maybe he didn’t even know what the
damn thing would be used for … he just knew
someone ELSE was trying to invent one
and HE wanted to be first … !
…..
therefore …
how could ANYONE really
KNOW why the telephone was invented … ?
…..
i knew those three women had absolutely no idea
that the question had taken on
such ridiculously high
philosophical dimensions to me …
and i damn sure wasn’t going to give them
even an inkling of
what I was thinking …
… continued …
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … 4? or is it 5?
– 5 –
Here’s how it happened …
When Carol,
(the aggressive one) said,
‘’Why do you think phones were invented … ?’’
I looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office
… on the other side of Carol’s desk …
into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the
window on the far wall …
I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot …
i stared at it wondering …why WERE telephones
invented … ?
i knew damn well they weren’t invented
so that people could be called for
work assignments … !
I was being totally over analytic
as usual …
coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the
subject …
for a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell
calling his assistant …
( … what was his name … Watson …? )
to come upstairs because
he had spilled some chemical on his
hand …
all of this thinking and wondering happened within a split second
but,
I guess the timing was right … you know …
one beat ….. two beat …..
…..
the room got real
quiet …
suddenly it dawned on me …
I didn’t know why in hell (!)
the telephone was invented … !
…..
i think a confused or maybe concerned look
came over my face …
I said,
‘’wull .. I don’t know …’’ (?!)
after that all of my senses shut down completely
except my hearing … !
a wall of sound suddenly washed over me … !
you know, that high pitched cackling noise
women make when they all start laughing at the
same time … !?
don’t they call that the
G-NOTE
or something like that … ???
the explosion of sound practically knocked my head backward … !!
(continued … )
Zumba My Ass … !
Once again he was saddened by the thought that,
“She never thinks i’m funny … !“
…
most of the things HE thought were funny … SHE thought were either stupid or sexually degenerate …
she hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the english language … !
…..
… and she didn’t think sex was funny which he thought was even funnier than the word shit … !
she used to say, “i don’t appreciate your barnyard humor,’’ …
…..
he remembered the time she stormed out of the room after he said, ’i’d love to be able to fly like a bird but,
i wouldn’t want to BE a bird because when birds have sex it’s over after a couple of quick thrusts … !“
she said something over her shoulder as she stormed out of the room …all he heard was … ‘’compared to you … ‘’
he didn’t catch the rest …
…..
(strange as it seems, … he chuckled at the craziness of the situation … )…..
“BUT IT’S OK she doesn’t get it most of the time … !’’ he thought … !
“for crying out loud
you can’t connect on everything … !”
…..
… still, he hoped that occasionally she’d laugh at
what he DID or SAID to BE funny instead of the
unintentional things that happened
which
she thought were hilarious … !
…..
like the time he was carrying the groceries in from the car,
tripped over that stupid exercise ball she never used, fell and
broke his shoulder … !
…..
she laughed so hard she didn’t even hear his pleas to
call 911 … !
…..
(the next day she told him she laughed so hard she peed her pants … !) …..
through the haze of pain he was thinking, ‘’well, at least she’s laughing ..”
…..
but then she got pissed because the exercise ball
hit a nail and went flat …
…..
as she walked out of the room the last thing he heard was …
‘’call 911 yourself you clumsy idiot … it’s all your fault … !
continued …
The Linoleum Floor of the Basement
Her mother’s indiscretion had filled the P.K. with
hatred so we
constantly flaunted our sexuality
in the kitchen, the Rector’s library, on the front porch
one time even, on the
linoleum floor of the church after one of those
MYF meetings …
***
While she craved to punish her mother she was driven by
the question: would the second time be
as good as the first … ?
(being more ‘experienced’ than me) …
so she pushed hard for the
union that I feared would result in
paternal surprise, the sound of
cuffs and chains then, more
sacred words spoken beneath
the tallest spire in town …
***
So I resisted the temptation …
but for one reason …
***
I didn’t have one of those
black wallets with the
silver dollar sized O indentation and
… wouldn’t you know it …
there was no way a kid my age in a
small town like mine could ever
buy one …
Kurt Struble Writing 
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