G-Note Decrescendo, Finale, Bump Note

Continued.  I finally realized I didn’t know WHY the telephone was invented.  I stared straight ahead at nothing.  With a pleading look on my face I said,  ‘’Beats the shit out of me.”  
When I uttered those words, all my senses shut down except my hearing.  All I remember is a wall of sound washing over me.  You know that high pitched cackling sound women make when they all start laughing at the same time?   Don’t they call that the G Note, or something like that?  
When that wall of vibrations hit me I thought my head might fly back so hard I’d re-injure an old neck injury I got when I played football.   Continued.  

What’s funny is, I wasn’t even trying to be funny.  This was one of those moments when you find yourself being honest in an unconscious way.  The experience of total honesty on an unconscious level is so far from the real world it catches people totally unaware in the real world.  

People laugh in relief after being surprised by the unexpected.   

What’s even funnier is looking back, I can still see myself continuing to ponder the question while the chorus of G Notes washed over me; maybe Alexander Graham Bell was just trying to figure out a way to let his servants know it was time to bring the soup into the dining room, when he invented the phone.  Or, maybe he didn’t know what the damn thing would be used for. he just knew someone else was trying to invent one and he wanted to be first.  

So, how could anyone really know why the phone was invented? 

I was sure those three women didn’t know that the question had taken on such large philosophical dimensions to me and no way was I going to give them even an inkling of my thoughts. 

Just before the cackling started to die down I knew the room was going to get quiet and  further comment would be expected from me.  I got nervous and tried to think what I’d say but a soft voice inside my head kept whispering, ‘’Quiet, quiet, quiet.”

So, I decided to refrain myself and shut up for a change.  

A lot of the tension in the room had been released so I figured, if I played my cards right I could slip out of there unscathed by further attacks about my other infraction, the tardiness of my paperwork but, only IF I could refrain from saying something dumb which would start the talk cycle all over again.  I needed to move straight ahead with little or no verbiage.    

I was in the cusp, so to speak. I could have disappeared to the far side of the moon at that point or laid flat on the surface of a full moon, fully exposed for all three of them to take pot shots at me, whatever in God’s name all of that means.   

I know you’re probably waiting with ‘baited breath’ to know what happened next which, I don’t even know what ‘baited breath’ means.  Baited?  Baited breath to catch what?  How could your breath be baited?  Or, maybe ‘baited breath’ has to do with being aware that someone might be telling you a fish story?

Of course I know this is all ridiculous.  But, if you really care, here’s what finally happened.  

After the laughter died down, I played it real cool.  I stretched, like I had just finished putting the finishing touches on my Ph.D. thesis and was satisfied with the results.  Then, I very nonchalantly (I had to be very careful not get too close to the waste paper basket since, within 12 inches or less it’s a ‘given’ I’ll knock it over.) moved past Carol’s desk, past all three of them, toward the same door I’d been looking at earlier while I was in LaLa Land thinking about Alexander Graham Bell and dropped my paper work into the Inbox.  

Then, I turned and before anyone could say anything I said, ‘Hey, I gotta go.  I left my car running.  Have a great day.  Call me if you’ve got something for me Carol.  I promise I’ll check my messages more often, ok?  I promise!’’   

I pushed the door open and stepped outside.  Before the door closed I snatched a quick look back into the office.  The three of them were looking at me with smiles on their faces.  Jennifer looked like the girl from the Exorcist the way her head was twisted around.  

I was trying really hard to continue being nonchalant.  I kept a pleasant smile oj my face.  Finally I heard the door click behind me and I was free! I pictured myself walking away, limping of course because of that stupid hip of mine.  I wondered if they were looking at me through the window thinking what a ‘’Clyde’’ I was?

Most of the time life is a never ending stream of ridiculously funny, unpredictable events that stream along side the river of consciousness that’s part of my real world.  I never know what’s going to happen next or, what I’ll do in response.  It’s as much of a surprise to me as it is for anyone else involved so, I get to laugh along in “third person” which, for all intents and purposes, I think I am.  

The end of this episode was pleasing, enough.  I was happy to get the hell out of there unscathed.  Therefore, I didn’t have to go back to my car and beat up on myself for saying something really dumb like I usually do AND it was reaffirming that I finally had the balls to use the car as an excuse to get out of the office thereby NOT wasting a shit load of gas. 

Truth of the matter is, I’m not even sure what happened wasn’t really stupid.  All I know is, all three of them were smiling when I left so I guess everything is just fine.  

How the G Note Gave Me A Neck Ache

continued … maybe I muttered something like, ‘’well, you know how it goes,” blah, blah blah,  when suddenly the woman named Linda (who’s pretty aggressive) says rather forcefully, “Why do you think phones were invented?!’’  
continued …

The first thing I thought was, what the hell kind of bullshit attitude is this? 

Was she trying to put me on the spot to test my mettle or something like that? 

To tell you the truth I didn’t really care what she said while at the same time  some little voice inside my head kept saying, “Fuck you bitch,” AND “Uh-oh, this could be trouble,” at the same time!

And yet, on top of all of this intrigue the question intrigued me!  On the deepest level, why was the telephone invented?

It gave me ‘’pause’’ for thought during that brief interlude.  

I must have said something pretty stupid after mulling over the question since, when I replied a wall of sound swept over me.  

Here’s how it happened …  continued ,…

When Carol, (the aggressive one) said, ‘’Why do you think phones were invented?’’ looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office, on the other side of Carol’s desk, into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the window on the far wall.

I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot. I stared at it wondering what the REAL reason telephones were invented?

I knew damn well they weren’t invented so people could be called for work assignments! I mean, did Alexander Graham Bell even consider that some day there’d be answering machines?   

I was being totally over analytic as usual mulling this stupid question over and over in my mind coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the subject.  

For a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell calling his assistant  (what was his name Watson? ) to come upstairs because he had spilled acid on his hand.

All of this thinking and wondering happened within a split second but I guess the timing was perfect  you know, one beat, two beat … . 

 The room got real quiet.  Suddenly it dawned on me.  I didn’t know why the fucking telephone was invented!

I went from being confused to concerned.  I know it showed on my face.  Maybe it looked like I had been deep in thought and was about to speak a pearl of wisdom.

So I said, ‘’Well.  I don’t know why the telephone was invented.’’ 

Suddenly it seemed like all my senses shut down completely, when wall of sound suddenly washed over me!  You know, that high pitched cackling noise groups of women make when they all start laughing at then same time!?

Don’t they call that the G-NOTE  or something like that?

That explosion of sound practically knocked my head backward!

(continued … 

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … Part II

if I had the balls to say ” … hey, i’ve gotta go, i left my car running … “i’d probably be just as capable of saying, ” … hey, i gotta go, I’ll see you guys 

later … ”  continued … 

images-4

 Part II

 So anyway, the first thing I did when I got into the office was get stuff out of my message box.  

Then, I sat down at the table to check my paper work one last time and read a memo about continuing education.

Jennifer, Linda and Carol were sitting on the other side of the table where I sat facing carol who sat behind her desk.

They were discussing which one of them wanted the stray cat they’d been feeding  outside the office for the past two months.

While I read the memo Carol told me she called yesterday for an assignment and since I didn’t call back she had to cancel the order.  

She said she left me a message.  

I didn’t say anything so the room got real quiet.  

I think that within the silence of the room Carol was questioning by implication, that I was irresponsible since, I didn’t return her call.  

I sat there scanning the memo thinking, am I supposed to be feeling guilty? Or contrite?  Or, what? 

Then, I thought, ‘fer Christ sake!  You’d think it was common knowledge by now that I’m gone a lot of the time and don’t constantly check for messages!  Doesn’t a person have the choice NOT to check for messages?  What if something earthshaking had happened so I couldn’t check?! 

I wasn’t going to let them get the best of me!

So I kept reading or maybe I muttered something like, ‘’Oh well, you know how it goes, blah, blah, blah …. ” when suddenly the woman named Linda (who’s pretty aggressive) says, “Why do you think telephones were invented … ?!’’ 

continued … 

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny Or, How A Chorus of G Notes Changed My Life

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny

I wasn’t looking forward to going into the office because according to procedures, paper work is to be turned in the next day before ten o’clock and I was already one day late PLUS I’d be going in after ten o’clock.

On top of that, when I’ve done something wrong, I get intimidated by all the women at the office. I know they talk so, I knew they were all aware that, once again I didn’t get my paperwork in on time.

Sometimes I feel like they gang up on me.  Or, maybe I’m just paranoid.

I don’t want to dwell on my paranoid feelings about women though.  Shit happens to me every day not just in the office but, all over the place. I’m not sure if it’s interesting or funny.  It doesn’t have anything to do with women per se.  It is what it is but, sometimes when it’s all over with at the end of the day, I get a chuckle out of reliving all the crazy shit that happens.

Before I left the house I made sure all the information on the forms was filled out correctly.  I’ve made every mistake in the book when it comes to filling out those forms.  I don’t want to be classified with people who are either dumb or crazy based on the definition that, if you keep making the same mistake over and over you’re one of them.

Then I drove over to the office. I parked my car in the circular drive out front and left the motor running thinking that if I needed an excuse for a quick getaway I could always say, ‘’Hey, I gotta go… I left my car running,’’ which … well, I do this all the time and I always think I’m so fricking smart but I’ve never once used it as an excuse to leave.   Sometimes I get stuck in there for 15 or 20 minutes just jabbering, while my car runs.  The whole time I’m involved in some inane conversation I’m thinking about how much gas I’m wasting and how ridiculous I was to leave the car running.

Before I go in, I always think it’s such a great excuse to leave but after I’m in there, it seems like a shitty excuse to be rude. continued ….

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … The End

 Before the cackling to died down 

i realized i had a chance 

to get the hell out of there 

IF

i didn’t say something really stupid

which would start another talk cycle …

a soft voice inside my head kept saying, 

‘’quiet, quiet, quiet … ‘’  

….. ….. …..

 o.k. so … 

if you really care

here’s what finally happened …

….. 

I played it real cool … rose and

stretched, like i had just finished

my PhD thesis …  

i walked toward the door

where i had all those thoughts about Alexander Graham Bell … 

 dropped my paperwork into the 

Inbox, turned and said, 

‘Hey, I gotta go.  

i left my car running.  have a great day …  ! 

Oh! and Carol … call me ! …

i promise i’ll check my messages … ”

…..

i glanced back as the door closed …

all three of them we wore big grins …  

jennifer’s head was twisted around

 like the girl in the 

Exorcist …

 finally, the door clicked shut and …

i was free … !

walking away, I pictured the three of them

cackling another 

G Note

 because of what a big ‘’Clyde’’ i was … 

Epilogue

For me,

life seems like a never ending

series of ridiculously funny episodes …   

of course

it can also be a huge pain in the ass …  ! 

 the end of this episode was pleasing

enough … 

i was happy to get out of there unscathed …

i didn’t even beat up on myself  

for acting really stupid …

(of course, i’m not sure what happened 

wasn’t really stupid …  !)

but i guess as long as they all had 

smiles on their faces 

everything worked out just … 

fine … 

Fini … 

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … (is it 6 or 7? oh! … sorry!)

– 6 –

… when that wall of sound washed over me me it 

knocked my head straight back … 

don’t they call that the G note, 

or something like that … ?

images-8

 (that’s not me …)

 what’s funny is … 

I wasn’t even trying to be  

funny … ! 

…..

 it was one of those moments when i found myself 

unconsciously being completely 

honest … ! almost like I was having an 

out of body experience … !

spontaneous, innocent  honesty is so 

hard to find these days … !!

 because it’s so rare … so totally unexpected  …  

it makes people laugh … ! 

…..

wull … what’s even funnier still is, … 

looking back i see myself  continuing to 

ponder the question … !! .. !  

(… why WAS the telephone invented … ?)

 maybe Alexander Graham Bell was trying 

to figure out a way to let his servants know

it was time to bring the soup 

to the dining room upstairs …? 

or, 

maybe he didn’t even know what the 

damn thing would be used for … he just knew 

someone ELSE was trying to invent one 

and HE wanted to be first … !

…..

 therefore …

 how could ANYONE really 

KNOW why the telephone was invented … ?  

…..

i knew those three women had absolutely no idea 

that the question had taken on

such ridiculously high  

philosophical dimensions to me …

and i damn sure wasn’t going to give them 

even an inkling of 

what I was thinking … 

… continued …

images

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … 4? or is it 5?

– 5 –

Here’s how it happened …

images-7

When Carol, 

(the aggressive one) said, 

‘’Why do you think phones were invented … ?’’ 

looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office

… on the other side of Carol’s desk …

into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the 

window on the far wall … 

I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot … 

i stared at it wondering …why WERE telephones 

invented … ?

i knew damn well they weren’t invented 

so that people could be called for 

work assignments … ! 

I was being totally over analytic 

as usual … 

coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the 

subject … 

for a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell 

calling his assistant …   

( … what was his name … Watson …? )

 to come upstairs because 

he had spilled some chemical on his 

hand …  

all of this thinking and wondering happened within a split second

 but,

I guess the timing was right …  you know …

one beat ….. two beat …..

…..

 the room got real 

quiet … 

 suddenly it dawned on me … 

I didn’t know why in hell (!)

the telephone was invented … !

…..

i think a confused or maybe concerned look

came over my face …

I said, 

‘’wull .. I don’t know …’’ (?!)

after that all of my senses shut down completely 

except my hearing … !

wall of sound suddenly washed over me … !

you know, that high pitched cackling noise

women make when they all start laughing at the

same time … !?

don’t they call that the 

G-NOTE  

or something like that … ???

the explosion of sound practically knocked my head backward … !!

(continued … )

images-6

images

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny .. 3

– 3 –

if I had the balls to say ” … hey, i’ve gotta go, i left my car running … “i’d probably be just as capable of saying, ” … hey, i gotta go, I’ll see you guys 

later … ”  continued … 

images-4

 so anyway, the first thing I did when I 

got into the office was 

get stuff out of my

message 

box …

…..

then, I sat down at the table 

to check my paper work 

one last time and 

read a memo about

continuing education … 

jennifer, linda and carol were sitting on the other side of the table where I sat 

facing carol who sat behind her 

desk …  

they were discussing which one of them wanted the stray cat they’d been feeding  

outside the office for the past two 

months …

while I read the memo Carol told me 

she called yesterday for an assignment 

and 

since I didn’t call back she had to 

cancel the 

order …

she said she left me a message … 

…..

i didn’t say anything so the room got real 

quiet … 

i think that within the silence of the 

room she was questioning 

… by implication … 

why I didn’t return her 

call … 

i just sat there scanning the 

memo  … 

i thought … 

am i supposed to be feeling

guilty or something … ? 

….. for christ sake … !

you’d think it was 

common knowledge by now that 

rarely check my

answering machine … !

doesn’t a person have the choice 

NOT 

to answer answer their answering 

machine … ?

what if something earthshaking 

happened so I couldn’t check the 

thing … ?! 

i wasn’t going to let them get

the best of

me … !

so I kept reading 

or 

maybe I muttered something like,

‘’well, you know how it goes, 

blah, blah, blah …. ” 

when suddenly 

the woman named Linda … 

( … who’s pretty aggressive … )

says 

 “why do you think phones were 

invented … ?!’’ 

continued … 

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny! … II

– 2 –

shit happens to me every day not just at the office but, all over the place (!)….. i’m not sure if any of it is interesting or funny … IT IS WHAT IT IS ! … but … at the end of the day i sometimes get a chuckle out of reliving these experiences within the confines of my mind …

images-1

this happens to be a continuation one of those days … 

…..

Before I left the house i made sure all the 

information on the forms was filled out 

correctly …

i’ve made every mistake in the book when it comes to 

filling out those 

forms … 

I don’t want to be classified with people who are 

either dumb or crazy based on the 

definition that, if you keep making the same mistake over and over you’re one of 

them … 

then I drove over to the office  … 

*****

I parked my car in the circular drive out front … 

I left the motor running thinking that 

if I needed an excuse for a 

quick getaway I could always say, 

‘’Hey, I gotta go… I left my car running,’’ which … 

welll … 

i do this all the 

time and i always think I’m so fricking smart

but I’ve never 

not one time … !

used it as an excuse to leave … !! 

sometimes I get stuck in there for 15 or 20 minutes jabbering, while my car 

runs … ! 

the whole time I’m involved in some 

inane conversation I’m thinking about 

how much gas I’m wasting and 

how ridiculous i was to leave the car 

running …  ! 

i always think it’s such a great excuse to leave 

but, after I’m in there, it seems like a 

shitty excuse to be 

rude …  

if I had the balls to say 

” … hey, i’ve gotta go, i left my car 

running … “

i’d probably be just as capable of saying, 

” … hey, i gotta go, I’ll see you guys 

later … ”  

continued … 

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny Revisited ..

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !

– 5 –

Here’s how it happened …

images-7

When Carol,

(the aggressive one) said,

‘’Why do you think phones wereinvented … ?’’

I looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office

… on the other side of Carol’s desk …

into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the

window on the far wall …

I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot …

i stared at it wondering …why WERE telephones

invented … ?

i knew damn well they weren’t invented

so that people could be called for

work assignments … ! 

I was being totally over analytic

as usual … 

coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the

subject …

for a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell

calling his assistant …   

( … what was his name … Watson …? )

 to come upstairs because

he had spilled some chemical on his

hand …  

all of this thinking and wondering happened

within a split second but,

I guess the timing was right …  you know …

one beat ….. two beat …..

 the room got real

quiet …

 suddenly it dawned on me … 

I didn’t know why in hell (!)

the telephone was invented … !

i think a confused or maybe concerned look

came over my face …

I said,

‘’wull .. I don’t know …’’ (?!)

after that all of my senses shut down completely 

except my hearing … !

a wall of sound suddenly washed over me … !

you know, that high pitched cackling noise

women make when they all start laughing at the

same time … !?

don’t they call that the

G-NOTE  

or something like that … ???

the explosion of sound practically threw my head backward … !!

(continued … )