Suddenly I realized I was alone standing in the middle of the left lane, the Mustang running with the door open.
I knew that the drivers behind Kathy and Derek were oblivious of the circumstances anxious to move past the Stop sign to continue along their well worn paths.
Like … even if they had seen Scooter Man trapped under his scooter they couldn’t have known about the penis on the yard sign which wouldn’t have made any difference, since the real reason traffic was being held up was, I was totally debilitated by the ridiculous absurdity of a penis on a yard sign, while Kathy and Derek were overwhelmed with laughter at the sight of me acting like an ass totally convinced that there was a penis on a yard sale sign. We were indulging ourselves with laughter. We knew that any one of us could have been playing the role I was currently playing.
As the line of incoming traffic grew I felt their resentment heating up. I figured I’d have to either get the hell out of there or face the consequences of collective road rage.
I glanced at Kathy and Derek two cars behind the Mustang.
Their body language spoke volumes.
Continued … The Exciting Conclusion (once again) of The Kathy and Derek Chronicle
Once again, I turned to look at the yard sign. But, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Scooter Guy who was attempting to mount and drive the scooter away from where he had fallen.
One wheel of the scooter rested on the black top of the street where I waited at the Stop sign. The other was on the shoulder of the busy cross street I had been waiting to cross over.
If things continued the way they were going, Scooter Guy would soon be driving on the shoulder of the busy street against traffic!
(Across the street, a wide gray concrete bike path watched Scooter Guy with cold indifference all the while thinking, ‘’Jeeze, what a dumb ass.”)
When I finally DID look at the yard sign all thoughts of Scooter Guy disappeared.
The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown much larger and more prominent than before! I asked myself, why in God’s name would ANYBODY insert a penis between the R and D of a yard sale sign in the first place?
I turned my head to look back at Derek. I peered into his eyes. Pointing at the sign I hollered, “There’s a penis on that sign! Can’t you see it!”
Not much had changed since Derek had given me the big bear hug. His eyes were still squinting. His lips were still stretched into a wide grin with his teeth showing. In addition now, his head and shoulders were bouncing up and down and up and down from laughing, which gave his face a kind of blurred image.
Suddenly he turned away. An instant later all I saw was the back of his flannel shirt receding, getting smaller as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.
When I turned around Scooter Guy he was attempting to remount his scooter having tipped it right side up by himself …
The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before. I asked myself, why in God’s name would ...
While Scooter Guy … tanned and shirtless wearing Bermuda shorts and sandals, around 75 years old … struggled to escape from beneath his scooter I took a moment to weigh my options; would Scooter Guy’s male ego assert itself with resentment if I attempted to help him get up?
When I stared down into Scooter Guy’s glazed eyes I saw no trace of male ego so I said, ’’Jeeze, are you ok?Do you need some help getting up?”
While watching Scooter Guy squirm beneath the weight of his scooter, I heard a female voice shout my name.
I turned and there sat Kathy her whole head and shoulders extended out of the drivers side window of her car, her face beaming with joy, enjoying the experience of witnessing something totally apart from the circumstances of everyday life.
Not surprisingly, instead of asking about Scooter Guy’s condition (does he look hurt, do you need help lifting the scooter?) she said, “Can you believe how that guy spelled yard sale?”
I looked over my shoulder at the sign where “yard’’ was spelled ‘’yeard’’ but my first thought was that the R on ‘yeard’ looked like a penis standing tall along side the A and D.
I looked down at Scooter Guy who was struggling. The misspelling of the word also explained why Scooter Guy’s eyes appeared to be glazed.
Since, the funniest subject in the world is sex and … well, penises are right up there too .. AND since Derek and Kathy had appeared … I started getting that giddy feeling, which tells me some crazy shit is about to happen. Wull … I wasn’t disappointed.
Before the cackling to died down
i realized i had a chance
to get the hell out of there
i didn’t say something really stupid
which would start another talk cycle …
a soft voice inside my head kept saying,
‘’quiet, quiet, quiet … ‘’
….. ….. …..
o.k. so …
if you really care
here’s what finally happened …
I played it real cool … rose and
stretched, like i had just finished
my PhD thesis …
i walked toward the door
where i had all those thoughts about Alexander Graham Bell …
dropped my paperwork into the
Inbox, turned and said,
‘Hey, I gotta go.
i left my car running. have a great day … !
Oh! and Carol … call me ! …
i promise i’ll check my messages … ”
i glanced back as the door closed …
all three of them we wore big grins …
jennifer’s head was twisted around
like the girl in the
finally, the door clicked shut and …
i was free … !
walking away, I pictured the three of them
because of what a big ‘’Clyde’’ i was …
life seems like a never ending
series of ridiculously funny episodes …
it can also be a huge pain in the ass … !
the end of this episode was pleasing
i was happy to get out of there unscathed …
i didn’t even beat up on myself
for acting really stupid …
(of course, i’m not sure what happened
wasn’t really stupid … !)
but i guess as long as they all had
smiles on their faces
everything worked out just …
– 6 –
… when that wall of sound washed over me me it
knocked my head straight back …
don’t they call that the G note,
or something like that … ?
(that’s not me …)