Until the Next Time: The Kathy and Derek Chronological … The End

I turned and walked toward the open door of the Mustang while re-running a little video inside my brain of what happened during the last 10 or 15 minutes.

I saw Scooter Guy dazed and confused,  tangled up in the wreckage of his scooter wondering how in the world he went from jamming a yard sale sign into the ground to looking at the sky with a human face staring down at him.  

But most of the scenes in my video were of Kathy and Derek.

There’s Kathy half way out of the car window chiding me about the spelling of ‘Yeard’, making me aware of the penis, knowing that I’d take the bait, wondering what crazy shit would ensue. Her teeth her smile her eyes reflecting sunlight; the light of good humor, her body a metronome inside of some internal clock, bouncing up and down in time with the music that is always there but not always felt or heard or seen. Music that the world brings to us when somehow,  the rigors of every day life fall away and true life is exposed.

I saw Derek coming at me like a soft human tank growing larger his lips stretched back his white teeth gleaming in the sun, ”getting’ the joke,  happy to be part of it, unafraid to show his affection. The last thing I remember, sight of him laughing, double visions of his face bouncing to the music of HIS internal laugh clock.

I pulled the car door shut, put the Mustang into first gear, looked both ways and slowly let out on the clutch.  A split second before moving through the intersection  I glanced into the rear view mirror.

Kathy’s head was still outside of her window. She still had that shit eating grin on her face her head bobbing up and down and up and down and up and down just like the bobble headed hula girl that my grandparents displayed on the open shelving unit that separated their tiny little living room from their tiny little kitchen.

The End …..

Kathy and Derek: The Possibility of Road Rage

Suddenly I realized I was alone standing in the middle of the left lane, the Mustang running with the door open.

I knew that the drivers behind Kathy and Derek were oblivious of the circumstances anxious to move past the Stop sign to continue along their well worn paths.  

Like …  even if they had seen Scooter Man trapped under his scooter they couldn’t have known about the penis on the yard sign which wouldn’t have made any difference, since the real reason traffic was being held up was, I was totally debilitated by the ridiculous absurdity of a penis on a yard sign, while Kathy and Derek were overwhelmed with laughter at the sight of me acting like an ass totally convinced that there was a penis on a yard sale sign. We were indulging ourselves with laughter. We knew that any one of us could have been playing the role I was currently playing.  

As the line of incoming traffic grew I felt their resentment  heating up.  I figured I’d have to either get the hell out of there or face the consequences of collective road rage.

I glanced at Kathy and Derek two cars behind the Mustang.

Their body language spoke volumes.

Continued … The Exciting Conclusion (once again) of The Kathy and Derek Chronicle

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: “There’s A Penis On That Sign Can’t You See It?”

Once again, I turned to look at the yard sign.  But, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Scooter Guy who was attempting to mount and drive the scooter away from where he had fallen. 

 One wheel of the scooter rested on the black top of the street where I waited at the Stop sign.  The other was on the shoulder of the busy cross street I had been waiting to cross over.  

If things continued the way they were going, Scooter Guy would soon be driving on the shoulder of the busy street against traffic!

(Across the street, a wide gray concrete bike path watched Scooter Guy with cold indifference all the while thinking, ‘’Jeeze, what a dumb ass.”)

When I finally DID look at the yard sign all thoughts of Scooter Guy disappeared. 

The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown much larger and more prominent than before!  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would ANYBODY insert a penis between the R and D of a  yard sale sign in the first place?

I turned my head to look back at Derek.  I peered into his eyes.  Pointing at the sign I hollered, “There’s a penis on that sign!  Can’t you see it!”

Not much had changed since Derek had given me the big bear hug.  His eyes were still squinting.  His lips were still stretched into a wide grin with his teeth  showing.  In addition now, his head and shoulders were bouncing up and down and up and down from laughing, which gave his face a kind of blurred image.

Suddenly he turned away.   An instant later all I saw was the back of his flannel shirt receding, getting smaller as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.

continued …

 

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle III: The Penis In ‘Yard Sale’ Seems To Be Getting Larger!

When I turned to remark about the penis in ‘’yeard’’ sale, the male half of my two friends Derek, a giant of a man, six feet four at least, his bald head shining in the afternoon sun, his front teeth showing from behind lips stretched back into a wide grin, loomed  larger and larger within my field of vision until only the buttons on his plaid shirt were visible.

I closed my eyes and felt a hard embrace. Since I hadn’t seen Derek in a while I returned the favor while pounding the angel bone on the right side of his back, with my open hand.

When I pulled back from his hug and looked at his smiling face,  his eyes wide and round and blue, his mouth still stretched side to side, his teeth still showing he said,  ‘’Can you believe how that guy spelled yard?”

 When I turned around Scooter Guy he was attempting to remount his scooter having tipped it right side up by himself …

Next:

The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before.  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would ... 

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: Part II

While Scooter Guy … tanned and shirtless wearing Bermuda shorts and sandals, around 75 years old … struggled to escape from beneath his scooter I took a moment to weigh my options; would Scooter Guy’s male ego assert itself with resentment if I attempted to help him get up?

When I stared down into Scooter Guy’s glazed eyes I saw no trace of male ego so I said, ’’Jeeze, are you ok?Do you need some help getting up?”

While watching Scooter Guy squirm beneath the weight of his scooter, I heard a female voice shout my name.

I turned and there sat Kathy her whole head and shoulders extended out of the drivers side window of her car, her face beaming with joy, enjoying the experience of witnessing something totally apart from the circumstances of everyday life.

Not surprisingly, instead of asking about Scooter Guy’s condition (does he look hurt, do you need help lifting the scooter?) she said, “Can you believe how that guy spelled yard sale?”

I looked over my shoulder at the sign where “yard’’ was spelled ‘’yeard’’ but my first thought was that the R on ‘yeard’ looked like a penis standing tall along side the A and D.

I looked down at Scooter Guy who was struggling. The misspelling of the word also explained why Scooter Guy’s eyes appeared to be glazed.

Since, the funniest subject in the world is sex and … well, penises are right up there too .. AND since Derek and Kathy had appeared … I started getting that giddy feeling, which tells me some crazy shit is about to happen. Wull … I wasn’t disappointed.

continued …

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … The End

 Before the cackling to died down 

i realized i had a chance 

to get the hell out of there 

IF

i didn’t say something really stupid

which would start another talk cycle …

a soft voice inside my head kept saying, 

‘’quiet, quiet, quiet … ‘’  

….. ….. …..

 o.k. so … 

if you really care

here’s what finally happened …

….. 

I played it real cool … rose and

stretched, like i had just finished

my PhD thesis …  

i walked toward the door

where i had all those thoughts about Alexander Graham Bell … 

 dropped my paperwork into the 

Inbox, turned and said, 

‘Hey, I gotta go.  

i left my car running.  have a great day …  ! 

Oh! and Carol … call me ! …

i promise i’ll check my messages … ”

…..

i glanced back as the door closed …

all three of them we wore big grins …  

jennifer’s head was twisted around

 like the girl in the 

Exorcist …

 finally, the door clicked shut and …

i was free … !

walking away, I pictured the three of them

cackling another 

G Note

 because of what a big ‘’Clyde’’ i was … 

Epilogue

For me,

life seems like a never ending

series of ridiculously funny episodes …   

of course

it can also be a huge pain in the ass …  ! 

 the end of this episode was pleasing

enough … 

i was happy to get out of there unscathed …

i didn’t even beat up on myself  

for acting really stupid …

(of course, i’m not sure what happened 

wasn’t really stupid …  !)

but i guess as long as they all had 

smiles on their faces 

everything worked out just … 

fine … 

Fini … 

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … (is it 6 or 7? oh! … sorry!)

– 6 –

… when that wall of sound washed over me me it 

knocked my head straight back … 

don’t they call that the G note, 

or something like that … ?

 (that’s not me …)

 what’s funny is … 

I wasn’t even trying to be  

funny … ! 

…..

 it was one of those moments when i found myself 

unconsciously being completely 

honest … ! almost like I was having an 

out of body experience … !

spontaneous, innocent  honesty is so 

hard to find these days … !!

 because it’s so rare … so totally unexpected  …  

it makes people laugh … ! 

…..

wull … what’s even funnier still is, … 

looking back i see myself  continuing to 

ponder the question … !! .. !  

(… why WAS the telephone invented … ?)

 maybe Alexander Graham Bell was trying 

to figure out a way to let his servants know

it was time to bring the soup 

to the dining room upstairs …? 

or, 

maybe he didn’t even know what the 

damn thing would be used for … he just knew 

someone ELSE was trying to invent one 

and HE wanted to be first … !

…..

 therefore …

 how could ANYONE really 

KNOW why the telephone was invented … ?  

…..

i knew those three women had absolutely no idea 

that the question had taken on

such ridiculously high  

philosophical dimensions to me …

and i damn sure wasn’t going to give them 

even an inkling of 

what I was thinking … 

… continued …

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … 4? or is it 5?

– 5 –

Here’s how it happened …

When Carol, 

(the aggressive one) said, 

‘’Why do you think phones were invented … ?’’ 

I looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office

… on the other side of Carol’s desk …

into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the 

window on the far wall … 

I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot … 

i stared at it wondering …why WERE telephones 

invented … ?

i knew damn well they weren’t invented 

so that people could be called for 

work assignments … ! 

I was being totally over analytic 

as usual … 

coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the 

subject … 

for a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell 

calling his assistant …   

( … what was his name … Watson …? )

 to come upstairs because 

he had spilled some chemical on his 

hand …  

all of this thinking and wondering happened within a split second

 but,

I guess the timing was right …  you know …

one beat ….. two beat …..

…..

 the room got real 

quiet … 

 suddenly it dawned on me … 

I didn’t know why in hell (!)

the telephone was invented … !

…..

i think a confused or maybe concerned look

came over my face …

I said, 

‘’wull .. I don’t know …’’ (?!)

after that all of my senses shut down completely 

except my hearing … !

a wall of sound suddenly washed over me … !

you know, that high pitched cackling noise

women make when they all start laughing at the

same time … !?

don’t they call that the 

G-NOTE  

or something like that … ???

the explosion of sound practically knocked my head backward … !!

(continued … )

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … 4

– 4 –

… maybe I muttered something like, ‘’well, you know how it goes,  blah, blah, blah …. ” when suddenly the woman named Linda … ( … who’s pretty aggressive … ) says   “why do you think phones were 

invented … ?!’’  … 

continued …

the first thing I thought was, 

what the hell kind of 

attitude is this … ? 

…..

was she trying to put me on the spot to 

test my mettle or 

something … ? 

to tell you the truth I didn’t really 

care what she said

while at the same time  

some little voice inside my head 

was saying  

‘ .. fuck you bitch,’ 

AND

‘uh-oh … this could be trouble … 

all at the same time … !

on top of that … the question 

intrigued me …  !  

… it gave me ‘’pause’’ for thought …

i must have said something pretty

funny after that because … 

when I replied to Carol’s question

the three of them burst out 

laughing  … !

Here’s how it happened …

continued ,…

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny .. 3

– 3 –

if I had the balls to say ” … hey, i’ve gotta go, i left my car running … “i’d probably be just as capable of saying, ” … hey, i gotta go, I’ll see you guys 

later … ”  continued … 

 so anyway, the first thing I did when I 

got into the office was 

get stuff out of my

message 

box …

…..

then, I sat down at the table 

to check my paper work 

one last time and 

read a memo about

continuing education … 

jennifer, linda and carol were sitting on the other side of the table where I sat 

facing carol who sat behind her 

desk …  

they were discussing which one of them wanted the stray cat they’d been feeding  

outside the office for the past two 

months …

while I read the memo Carol told me 

she called yesterday for an assignment 

and 

since I didn’t call back she had to 

cancel the 

order …

she said she left me a message … 

…..

i didn’t say anything so the room got real 

quiet … 

i think that within the silence of the 

room she was questioning 

… by implication … 

why I didn’t return her 

call … 

i just sat there scanning the 

memo  … 

i thought … 

am i supposed to be feeling

guilty or something … ? 

….. for christ sake … !

you’d think it was 

common knowledge by now that 

I rarely check my

answering machine … !

doesn’t a person have the choice 

NOT 

to answer answer their answering 

machine … ?

what if something earthshaking 

happened so I couldn’t check the 

thing … ?! 

i wasn’t going to let them get

the best of

me … !

so I kept reading 

or 

maybe I muttered something like,

‘’well, you know how it goes, 

blah, blah, blah …. ” 

when suddenly 

the woman named Linda … 

( … who’s pretty aggressive … )

says 

 “why do you think phones were 

invented … ?!’’ 

continued … 

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle … End …

….. Since no one really cared about Scooter Man or the penis on the sign, I knew the drivers of all those cars were going to start getting pissed at me.

So, I figured it’s time to get the hell out of there.

continued …

I made eye contact with my laughing friend, felt the common bond of friendship and shared mirth between us, shrugged my shoulders and walked three steps left  toward my car door which was still open.

…..

I slid into the black leather of the Mustang but, before slamming the door, craned my neck and looked back at my friend … her head still visible outside the window, the rear view mirror of her car obscuring the bottom half of her face.

…..

When I had her in my sights, I pointed at the yard sign and … for the last time … yelled, ’’BUT THERE’S A PENIS IN THAT SIGN!’’

…..

I pulled the car door shut, put the Mustang into first gear, looked both ways and slowly let out on the clutch.  A split second before moving through the intersection  I looked into the left side, rear view mirror.

…..

My friend’s head was still

outside of her

window …

She still had that

shit eating grin

on her face but

now

her head bobbed up and down and

up and down and up and down …

Just like one of those

bobble headed

hula girl statues I

remember when I was a

boy

that my grandparents displayed

on the shelving unit that

separated their tiny little

living room

from their

tiny little

kitchen …

The End …..

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle Part VI

… his head and shoulders bounced up and down from giggling laughter, he suddenly turned and an instant later all I saw was his back receding away as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.

Meanwhile, six or seven cars had lined up behind my friend’s car oblivious to the circumstances at hand, their passengers anxious to move past the stop sign and continue along on their various well worn paths.

I looked at the face of the female half of my friends relationship, her head still outside of the passenger side window.

With a shit eating grin still on her face she yelled,  ‘’So, whaddya been doing with yourself these days!’’ then laughed hysterically, while I stood on the black top with a grin on my face.

Suddenly, I realized I was all alone, my car running without me in it … facing a line of incoming traffic growing longer by the minute. I started to feel their resentment ratchet up.

Like …  even if they knew what was happening because they’d seen Scooter Man trapped under his scotter … they still wouldn’t have known about the penis on the sign … which wouldn’t have made any difference anyway, because the real reason traffic was being held up was, I was totally debilitated by the absurdity of the penis on the sign and my friends were debilitated by the sight of me being debilitated by the penis on the sign.

So … how were all those people  supposed to know that?

Since no one really cared about Scooter Man or the penis on the sign, I knew the drivers of all those cars were going to start getting pissed at me.

So, I figured it’s time to get the hell out of there.

continued …

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle V

… all thoughts of Scooter Guy evaporated.  The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before.  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would Scooter Guy insert a penis between the R and D of his yard sale sign in the first place?

I pointed at the sign, turned to look at my friend and while looking into his eyes shouted,  ’’But there’s a penis on that sign!  Can’t you see it!”

My friend’s eyes were squinting … his teeth still showed.  While his head and shoulders bounced up and down from laughing, he suddenly turned and an instant later all I saw was his back receding away as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.

continued …

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle IV

I turned my head again to look at the yard sign where I saw Scooter Guy attempting to saddle his scooter having tipped it right side up by himself … 

One wheel of the scooter rested on the shoulder, the other on the black top of the busy “connector” street I had been stopped at, when I first noticed Scooter Guy fall (becoming trapped beneath his scooter),  where soon he would soon be driving  … against traffic.

(Across the street, a wide gray concrete bike path watched Scooter Guy with cold indifference all the while thinking, ‘’Jeeze, what a dumb ass.”)

When I looked at the sign again, all thoughts of Scooter Guy evaporated.  The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before.  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would Scooter Guy insert a penis between the R and D of his yard sale sign in the first place?

continued ….

The Derek and Kathy Chronicle

When I turned to remark about the penis in ‘’yeard’’ sale, the male half of my two friends Derek, a giant of a man, six feet four at least, his bald head shining in the afternoon sun, his front teeth visible  behind lips stretched into a wide smile, loomed  larger and larger within my field of vision until only the buttons on his plaid shirt were visible.

I closed my eyes and felt a hard embrace. Since I hadn’t seen Derek in a while I returned the favor while pounding the right side angel bone of his back with my open hand.

When I pulled back from his hug and looked up at his smiling face,  his eyes wide and round and blue, his mouth still stretched side to side, his teeth still showing  I heard him say,  ‘’Can you believe how that guy spelled yard?”

I turned my head again to look at the yard sign where I saw Scooter Guy attempting to saddle his scooter having tipped it right side up all by himself …

More ….

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle … II

While Scooter Guy …  tanned and shirtless wearing bermuda shorts and sandals, around 75 years old,  struggled to escape from beneath his scooter I took a moment to weigh my options; would Scooter Guy’s male ego assert itself with resentment if I attempted to help him get up?

When I stared down into Scooter Guy’s glazed eyes I saw no trace of male ego so I said, ’’Jeeze, are you ok?Do you need some help getting up?”

While watching Scooter Guy squirm beneath the weight of his scooter,  I heard a female voice shout my name.

I turned and there sat the female half of the couple I hadn’t seen in a year, her whole head and shoulders extended out of the drivers side window of her car, her face beaming with joy, enjoying the experience of witnessing something totally apart from the circumstances of everyday life.

Not surprisingly, instead of asking about Scooter Guy’s condition (does he look hurt, do you need help lifting the scooter?) she said,  “Can you believe how that guy spelled yard sale?”

I looked over my shoulder at the sign where “yard’’ was spelled ‘’yeard’’ but my first thought was that the R on ‘yeard’ looked like a penis standing tall along side the A and D.

I looked down at Scooter Guy who was struggling.  The misspelling of the word also explained why Scooter Guy’s eyes appeared to be glazed.

Since, the funniest subject in the world is sex and … well, penises are right up there too .. and because Derek and Kathy had appeared … I started getting that giddy feeling, which tells me some crazy shit is about to happen.  Wull … I wasn’t disappointed.

continued …

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !

– 5 –

Here’s how it happened …

When Carol,

(the aggressive one) said,

‘’Why do you think phones wereinvented … ?’’

I looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office

… on the other side of Carol’s desk …

into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the

window on the far wall …

I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot …

i stared at it wondering …why WERE telephones

invented … ?

i knew damn well they weren’t invented

so that people could be called for

work assignments … ! 

I was being totally over analytic

as usual … 

coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the

subject …

for a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell

calling his assistant …   

( … what was his name … Watson …? )

 to come upstairs because

he had spilled some chemical on his

hand …  

all of this thinking and wondering happened

within a split second but,

I guess the timing was right …  you know …

one beat ….. two beat …..

 the room got real

quiet …

 suddenly it dawned on me … 

I didn’t know why in hell (!)

the telephone was invented … !

i think a confused or maybe concerned look

came over my face …

I said,

‘’wull .. I don’t know …’’ (?!)

after that all of my senses shut down completely 

except my hearing … !

a wall of sound suddenly washed over me … !

you know, that high pitched cackling noise

women make when they all start laughing at the

same time … !?

don’t they call that the

G-NOTE  

or something like that … ???

the explosion of sound practically threw my head backward … !!

(continued … )

The Cathy and Derek Chronological …. II

While Scooter Guy …  tanned and shirtless wearing bermuda shorts and sandals, around 75 years old,  struggled to escape from beneath his scooter I took a moment to weigh my options;

… would Scooter Guy’s male ego assert itself with resentment if I attempted to help him get up?

When I stared down into Scooter Guy’s glazed eyes I saw no trace of male ego so I said, ’’Hey, do you need some help with that thing?”

While watching Scooter Guy squirm beneath the weight of his scooter,  I heard a female voice shout my name.

I turned and there sat the female half of the couple I hadn’t seen in a year, her whole head extended out of the drivers side window of her car, her face beaming with joy, enjoying the experience of witnessing something totally apart from the circumstances of everyday life.

Not surprisingly, instead of asking about Scooter Guy’s condition (does he look hurt, do you need help lifting the scooter?) she said,  “Can you believe how that guy spelled yard sale?”

I looked over my shoulder at the sign where “yard’’ was spelled ‘’yeard’’ but my first thought was that the R on ‘yeard’ looked like a penis standing tall along side the A and D which struck me,  along with the misspelling of the word, as being pretty funny.

The misspelling also explained why Scooter Guy’s eyes appeared to be glazed.

When I turned to remark about the penis in ‘’yeard’’ sale, the male half of my two friends …  a giant of a man, six feet four inches tall at least, his bald head shining in the afternoon sun, his front teeth showing from behind lips stretched back into a wide grin … loomed  larger and larger within my field of vision until only the buttons on his plaid shirt were visible before I closed my eyes and felt a hard embrace which, because I hadn’t seen him in a while, I responded to by throwing my arms around him while slapping him hard, on the right side angel bone of his back,  with my right hand.

When I pulled back from his hug and looked up at his smiling face …  his eyes wide and round and blue, his mouth still stretched side to side, his teeth still showing …  I heard him say,  ‘’Can you believe how that guy spelled yard?”

I turned my head again to look at the yard sign where I saw Scooter Guy attempting to saddle his scooter having tipped it right side up all by himself …

More ….