Love Is …

What Is Love?

All anyone wants is to feel loved … positive beautiful affirming of self/each other.  It doesn’t have to be anything.  It just is.  It’s a place that ‘rises above.’ 

Love touches in different ways than everyday “socialisms” between people.

You read love on paper sometimes on the screen words that kiss and caress they sooth and like and liken and hark and bring light and memory and shine with crashing wave on paper that tell stories of laugh and joy and lots of sensual pleasure.

Love remembers love hears love listens love takes fear away.  Love eats distress, chews it with gusto like swallowing cum to please even though it tastes like bleach.

Love releases dreams love creates a reality of its own shared delightful giggling it can’t contain itself sometimes it’s overwhelming in its magnetism

There are no choice words to describe it at times.  It’s not concerned with self it gives in for pleasure it shares pain gratefully it suspends time it creates visions it draws a body to a body in unique ways (for each person is unique in their own way) it matches up it magnetizes it finds and realizes it sleeps well with itself it looks beyond itself it seeks to know it revels in what it sees and hears it wraps warmth around the other it looks beyond reality it sees, it wonders, it mesmerizes at times lost in vision and fascination finding humor not because it’s funny but because it’s indescribably beautiful to see a personal representation of all you’ve ever wanted to love.

Love sees danger and looks ahead.  Loving is caring; it’s more than caring.  Love is loss of self for other self judged more important.  Love wants to give another life more life.  Love splendors itself when it sees sparkles and sunlight streaming from eyes; it reflects the same light. 

Love will do whatever it takes to make another happy.  Love wants to give and give .. Love looks for ways to give searching searching always looking for another way another reason.  Love wants love love wants to be loved love looks for other love, love loves love.

Love  strikes when you least expect it if you are lucky and it pulls you and it suspends you in time.

Love sees colors and shapes that exist for a moment and held forever.  Love wants to please.  Love wants warmth for another.  Love can touch and touch and touch and never grow tired  touch and touching.  Love gives pleasure vast amounts if possible.  Love seek beauty to see in another.

Love knows that if it knows it’s there it will find it and bring it to another embracing with eyes seeing the other, the world falls away.

Love hears and listens it celebrates the unique world that lies hidden but that it can see and only it sees

the uniqueness of the other.

Love celebrates another with its whole self it feels love gladly it wants to touch it wants to give.  Love is carried everywhere, it’s another presence in the world that’s always there even though a thousand miles away.

Love has hope galore:  hope for wellness, hope that it can heal just by thinking.  Love wants to celebrate the joy of living with another, magnificent as two can be.

Love yearns for another because it knows the secret that each one is only half so love makes people whole.  Love makes people whole with themselves.  Love feeds on the pain of another.  Love wants another’s pain .. Love thinks only of the other.  Love loves .. love loves loving .

It’s easy for love to be spellbound .. When spellbound it spellbinds with another: love binds without thinking.  This is when love just ‘’is” when it’s mutually spellbinding.  Love celebrates another life.  Love cries when its sad but it doesn’t matter, it knows another lover feels the pain ..

Love can be so surprising! It springs from unknown places for no reason.  Surprising with delight like magic from unknown places sudden treasures seen or brought to bear ..

Love loves surprises: sudden appearance face to face when least expected creating delight, that sudden intake of breath, the extra measure of others air received, a drop of unseen honey in the air that makes things funny without words or words without knowing where they spring from unknown delightfull and confounding.

Love has no beginning.  When you find it it was always there but unaware you waited unaware and when you find it glows with color.  Mine was the color blue ..

Yes, love glows with colors eyes and clothes and skin and toes and veins and birth marks in secret places no one else knows.

Love can draw a person inside another or make two people want to be another.  Love grows with time.  How could it not .. It induces knowing so the mind keeps growing and growing, you give me your light i’ll give you mine.

Love wants to give it’s light so the other shines.  Love loves to bask in loving shine.  Love is a jewell and it’s a treasure.  Love is freely given.  Love is all there is and all there is is, love that’s given.  

cd

The Gile Steele Tapes

The Further Adventures of Gile Steele; The Man Wearing A Camel Hat

images-4

Who WAS that man in the Camel hat?

 

Interview: 12/18/18 TGI Fridays

So, I guess it was a couple hours ago.  I was waiting on that table in the corner and over to my left was this guy with all the looks of a typical older guy, white haired with one of those goatees every man over fifty seems to have to have like it’s some kind of requirement that if you are a cool older dude you have white chin hairs! .. ha ha ha .

He scared me at first because I couldn’t figure him out.  He was definitely different.

So I’m talking with the customer about the shrimp on the menu and she said something funny and I’m laughing when out of the corner of my eye I see this guy … this man … signaling to me like he’s lost at sea.

I glance up and my eyes meet his and they’re pleading eyes really big and he’s pounding the palm of his hand against an imaginary ketchup bottle like it’s a HUGE ketchup bottle, kind of ridiculous looking.  He does these ketchup bottle moves then gets carried away and it looks like he’s pumping ketchup through one of those plunger type squirt guns you use in the pool.  

He’s either got a grin on his face or he’s looking like he’s pleading with me for ketchup but he looks serious and deadpan at the same time.

I know right away he wants ketchup!  Before I even nod my head he’s giving me the thumbs up and I’m so surprised because originally I was kind of afraid of him but now I realize he’s just this non obtrusive guy who doesn’t look like he could hurt a flea. I forget all about the ketchup because Matt took them their ketchup but, later when I walk past their table he collars me and he wants to talk about ketchup so we’re talking real close like our faces are two or three feet away from each other having this mock serious discussion about ketchup and I don’t know what he wants from me so I just play along because it’s fun sooo … it’s obvious he’s “putting me on” about the whole ketchup thing. 

He tells me he’s a super hero whose name is Ketchupman.  He asks me if I want to know what his super power is and it’s that and he can tell when people need ketchup before they even KNOW they want ketchup so can be there in a heartbeat.  This is so ridiculous but it’s funny because, whoever heard of a super hero named Ketchupman?

I ask why he didn’t have any ketchup on him back a little while ago and he tells me it’s a long story that he’s not feeling well these days and I say maybe you’re sick and you should see a doctor and he just fires right back like he already knew twhat I was gonna say “Yeah, I think it’s time to start taking medication.”  Which seemed a funny ass thing to say at the moment because we both gave each other that ‘look’ … 

His eyes follow me as I have to walk away but, we are both laughing because of the …. insanity of the conversation, and I have to keep walking to my table but I can’t stop laughing.   For some reason it’s the funniest thing.

And it was so funny to be with somebody who’s funny like that and … maybe, unconventional I guess you’d say.  I just can’t remember ever just …. ‘bungling’ like that.  

“Wasn’t that the guy with the camel hat?” 

So I say, “I don’t know I didn’t see no camel hat.” 

We’re both heading out the door when we run into Sharon.  

“Hey you guys,” she says.  “Who was that man wearing the camel hat?” .  

Gile Steele; The Man Wearing the Camel Hat

G-Note Decrescendo, Finale, Bump Note

Continued.  I finally realized I didn’t know WHY the telephone was invented.  I stared straight ahead at nothing.  With a pleading look on my face I said,  ‘’Beats the shit out of me.”  
When I uttered those words, all my senses shut down except my hearing.  All I remember is a wall of sound washing over me.  You know that high pitched cackling sound women make when they all start laughing at the same time?   Don’t they call that the G Note, or something like that?  
When that wall of vibrations hit me I thought my head might fly back so hard I’d re-injure an old neck injury I got when I played football.   Continued.  

What’s funny is, I wasn’t even trying to be funny.  This was one of those moments when you find yourself being honest in an unconscious way.  The experience of total honesty on an unconscious level is so far from the real world it catches people totally unaware in the real world.  

People laugh in relief after being surprised by the unexpected.   

What’s even funnier is looking back, I can still see myself continuing to ponder the question while the chorus of G Notes washed over me; maybe Alexander Graham Bell was just trying to figure out a way to let his servants know it was time to bring the soup into the dining room, when he invented the phone.  Or, maybe he didn’t know what the damn thing would be used for. he just knew someone else was trying to invent one and he wanted to be first.  

So, how could anyone really know why the phone was invented? 

I was sure those three women didn’t know that the question had taken on such large philosophical dimensions to me and no way was I going to give them even an inkling of my thoughts. 

Just before the cackling started to die down I knew the room was going to get quiet and  further comment would be expected from me.  I got nervous and tried to think what I’d say but a soft voice inside my head kept whispering, ‘’Quiet, quiet, quiet.”

So, I decided to refrain myself and shut up for a change.  

A lot of the tension in the room had been released so I figured, if I played my cards right I could slip out of there unscathed by further attacks about my other infraction, the tardiness of my paperwork but, only IF I could refrain from saying something dumb which would start the talk cycle all over again.  I needed to move straight ahead with little or no verbiage.    

I was in the cusp, so to speak. I could have disappeared to the far side of the moon at that point or laid flat on the surface of a full moon, fully exposed for all three of them to take pot shots at me, whatever in God’s name all of that means.   

I know you’re probably waiting with ‘baited breath’ to know what happened next which, I don’t even know what ‘baited breath’ means.  Baited?  Baited breath to catch what?  How could your breath be baited?  Or, maybe ‘baited breath’ has to do with being aware that someone might be telling you a fish story?

Of course I know this is all ridiculous.  But, if you really care, here’s what finally happened.  

After the laughter died down, I played it real cool.  I stretched, like I had just finished putting the finishing touches on my Ph.D. thesis and was satisfied with the results.  Then, I very nonchalantly (I had to be very careful not get too close to the waste paper basket since, within 12 inches or less it’s a ‘given’ I’ll knock it over.) moved past Carol’s desk, past all three of them, toward the same door I’d been looking at earlier while I was in LaLa Land thinking about Alexander Graham Bell and dropped my paper work into the Inbox.  

Then, I turned and before anyone could say anything I said, ‘Hey, I gotta go.  I left my car running.  Have a great day.  Call me if you’ve got something for me Carol.  I promise I’ll check my messages more often, ok?  I promise!’’   

I pushed the door open and stepped outside.  Before the door closed I snatched a quick look back into the office.  The three of them were looking at me with smiles on their faces.  Jennifer looked like the girl from the Exorcist the way her head was twisted around.  

I was trying really hard to continue being nonchalant.  I kept a pleasant smile oj my face.  Finally I heard the door click behind me and I was free! I pictured myself walking away, limping of course because of that stupid hip of mine.  I wondered if they were looking at me through the window thinking what a ‘’Clyde’’ I was?

Most of the time life is a never ending stream of ridiculously funny, unpredictable events that stream along side the river of consciousness that’s part of my real world.  I never know what’s going to happen next or, what I’ll do in response.  It’s as much of a surprise to me as it is for anyone else involved so, I get to laugh along in “third person” which, for all intents and purposes, I think I am.  

The end of this episode was pleasing, enough.  I was happy to get the hell out of there unscathed.  Therefore, I didn’t have to go back to my car and beat up on myself for saying something really dumb like I usually do AND it was reaffirming that I finally had the balls to use the car as an excuse to get out of the office thereby NOT wasting a shit load of gas. 

Truth of the matter is, I’m not even sure what happened wasn’t really stupid.  All I know is, all three of them were smiling when I left so I guess everything is just fine.  

How the G Note Gave Me A Neck Ache

continued … maybe I muttered something like, ‘’well, you know how it goes,” blah, blah blah,  when suddenly the woman named Linda (who’s pretty aggressive) says rather forcefully, “Why do you think phones were invented?!’’  
continued …

The first thing I thought was, what the hell kind of bullshit attitude is this? 

Was she trying to put me on the spot to test my mettle or something like that? 

To tell you the truth I didn’t really care what she said while at the same time  some little voice inside my head kept saying, “Fuck you bitch,” AND “Uh-oh, this could be trouble,” at the same time!

And yet, on top of all of this intrigue the question intrigued me!  On the deepest level, why was the telephone invented?

It gave me ‘’pause’’ for thought during that brief interlude.  

I must have said something pretty stupid after mulling over the question since, when I replied a wall of sound swept over me.  

Here’s how it happened …  continued ,…

When Carol, (the aggressive one) said, ‘’Why do you think phones were invented?’’ looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office, on the other side of Carol’s desk, into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the window on the far wall.

I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot. I stared at it wondering what the REAL reason telephones were invented?

I knew damn well they weren’t invented so people could be called for work assignments! I mean, did Alexander Graham Bell even consider that some day there’d be answering machines?   

I was being totally over analytic as usual mulling this stupid question over and over in my mind coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the subject.  

For a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell calling his assistant  (what was his name Watson? ) to come upstairs because he had spilled acid on his hand.

All of this thinking and wondering happened within a split second but I guess the timing was perfect  you know, one beat, two beat … . 

 The room got real quiet.  Suddenly it dawned on me.  I didn’t know why the fucking telephone was invented!

I went from being confused to concerned.  I know it showed on my face.  Maybe it looked like I had been deep in thought and was about to speak a pearl of wisdom.

So I said, ‘’Well.  I don’t know why the telephone was invented.’’ 

Suddenly it seemed like all my senses shut down completely, when wall of sound suddenly washed over me!  You know, that high pitched cackling noise groups of women make when they all start laughing at then same time!?

Don’t they call that the G-NOTE  or something like that?

That explosion of sound practically knocked my head backward!

(continued … 

The Same Strange World

And so, he did. .. (go back to his room.)

He loved the absurdity of
these kinds of situations;
the startled first time behavior and
the look of surprise, like a kid finding
an agate in the sand
excitement, wide eyed, incredibly
amused at the absurdity,
a brief return to childhood wonder,
the disappearance of self characature
a re-surfacing of
the 16 year old smile,
faces dripping smooth then
frozen in time with
white teeth and sparkling eyes,
given color by their surprise,
a little extra light to
fill a few of the voids
past memories and such … boiling it all down distilled
rendered into unadulterated … laughter.

 

Miriam

Further adventures of Gile Steel.

So, there he was at the hospital exactly a year later at the same time, same place having the same procedure in the same room, next to the nurse’s station, by the same SURGEON where,  a year earlier several factors came together in the middle of the night causing  an unexpected event to happen after his nurse gave him a tiny pain pill to alleviate the fiercest, most relentless pain of his life … then told him the next little pill would NOT be due for another four hours … (four fucking hours?)!

After the nurse left his room he thought about what had just happened then, in a drug and pain induced brain fog he pulled the tubes from his left arm and, using the food cart as a walker made a half assed attempt to escape the hospital for some unknown reason.

From that point forward the “real” world was rearranged, reconstructed and put back together again when  the strange spector of a man appeared moving down a darkened hallway at two a.m. looking very determined, pushing a food cart, wearing black shorts t-shirt and a pair of white TED hose, where he stopped and was seen telling two nurses, a CNA, a security guy (with arms crossed over golfing shirt … NOT proving that he was a bad ass),  that he had every right to leave the hospital if he wanted to.

Soon aft he returned to his room and fell asleep on a lounger that took a bunch of pain away, after the charge nurse downstairs (an Air Force Academy graduate) convinced him it would be better if he DID return to his room.

And so, he did.

As to the significance of the occasion? He told me, “When an unexpected event occurs, you get startled out of your senses and if you’re lucky unusual forces from all over the place join together, making all kinds of sparks and new connections and shit that gyrates, that sends light out crossing with other paths, pinging, making, striking all colors never seen, crossing, drawn from people normally grazing grass turned brown, bored, lonely.”  I loved the way he described it.

“Most of the time we steer ourselves along on rigidly separate flight paths, he said.

“We are all far flung variables of differing spectrum with varying degrees of heat that would NEVER have crossed paths, becoming heat/light broken/arcing/\ tapping new rhythms, twisting smoke like colors never seen/sparks and brief waves of light drawn into the void of all their dark spaces, the space of “being”, during the event,  that ends with people usually returning to their grazing.

They go back to their separate flight paths but with fundamental change.  Maybe startlingly singular unexpected conflagrations such as these, reach into our genome level,  depending on intensity,  The genome makes a recording of the event using stripes and numbers, the recordings are a measure of intensity.  They’re probably color coded constantly building, writing it’s own individual formula, building building.  Intent to reach some point in time … to ‘build out’.  Anxious to accomplish the task or just doing what’s necessary to move about?   Recording of events totaling itself within the endless array of neural connections it has been  branching off and growing ….. we see evolution as a result.”

I must have looked perplexed so he explained, “Everybody’ every day has experiences that impact and startle them awake, that affect us on a fundamental level.  A split second after surprise comes the relief of being safe.  We laugh in relief that we are still alive.  People love to be scared at least momentarily.  It’s what we call ”funny” hahaha” … it’s a part of the primal instinct not to get eaten called, self preservation.”

“War is the most powerful experience bringing about change.  Self preservation reduced to it’s fundamental boiled down to black hole level.  But war is no laughing matter.”

He loved the absurd humor of these situations; the startled first time behavior, the surprised looks, the brief return to childhood, a re-creation of the 16 year old smile, faces dripping smooth then frozen in time with white teeth and sparkling eyes, adding color, filling in a few of the voids within,  boiling it all down distilled and rendered into pure unadulterated … laughter.

He joked, “The opposite of war.  Haha ha ha ..”

Next:  Miriam

 

Nick and Jessica: TSA, Latinos, Playgrounds, Pocket Knives, Ricky Ricardo, Field Hockey and Blowing Water Out of Your Mouth Like They Do In Those Old Funny Movies

images-6…. so, the TSA guys were Cuban or whatever and we were having this bullshit conversation yukking it up about knives and shoe bombs. Everyone was Latino and they looked at me all askance probably surprised since white people are such tight asses.  Maybe they were surprised they found one who didn’t really give a shit about walking around keagling all day.

That’s quite a generalization about white people don’t you think?

Ok so, I told you about the knife right?   I didn’t even see this coming. One of the baggage agents at the check in counter … I swear he looked exactly like Ricky … what’s his name the singer …

Ricardo?

Noooooo, you dumb shit.  Whatever ….. the guy volunteers to go out to the plane with my pocket knife,  find my bag and put the knife in my bag! Wow …

And you attribute this to …

I had just arrived at that particular playground. These guys were standing around looking bored. So, we played a game and we had a good time. The cool thing is, it was just another playground in town. I might not ever go back there again but … that’s beside the point.

Ok Nick. It’s a small town … what are you trying to say … life is a small town? It’s a playing field … does this have anything to do with field hockey?  I used to play field hockey, you know.

Field hockey! Field hockey! (Nick chuckles, his stomach bumps up and down), Jeeeeezus Jessica, he says shaking his head then keening .. You make me laugh …

Pause for composure.

Aren’t you lucky stupid is funny Jessica? Like, what if you were really smart? (Nick quietly explains. A serious look on his face.) You probably wouldn’t be HALF as funny.  ……….. if you were smart I mean.

Jessica’s mouth is pulled to the side.

Nick sips water from a glass he’s holding.
Jessica’s eyes are beaming.
Turning, she slowly walks away.
Nick holds the glass to his mouth barey drinking thinking, watching wondering …
Jessics turns the corner.  Gone from sight.
Nick continues to drink water.
Jessica’s face looks around the corner at Nick.

Nick is caught totally by surprise.  His mouth full of water, unable to control himself,  he sprays water into the air:  a combination of mist and large drops and some residual dripping down his chin.

Nick and Jessica are both laughing.

“That’ll teach you to make fun of me.”

Did you see that?! I thought they only did that in movies … hahahah ….

Nick moves closer.. stops two feet away then, closer …

Nick and Jessica are nose to nose all but touching their eyes fixated, smiles on their faces

Nick whispers under his breath ….

Nick and Jessica Ask: Why Was the Telephone Invented? Was I Because Of the G Spot?

Here’s a funny one that happened at the office the other day,  Jessica..

Lay it on me Nick.  Oops!  Did that come out wrong?

I think you said, ”Lay on me?”

He he he … !  Shut up Nick .  Maybe I did but … tell the frickin’ story will you?  (Nick and Jessica smile at each other.)

Wull, one day last week there was a work assignment so they called but, I missed the call.  A little while later I showed up at the office. This is what happened.

Pause …

Ok so, the three of them were talking.  I was doing my paper work when Carol, she’s real aggressive says, ‘’Why do you think phones were invented?’’

For some reason I stared over at Suzanne’s office, behind the wall on the other side of Carol’s desk, into the space between the edge of the open door and the window on the far wall.

Don’t ask me why I looked at that particular spot. I just raised my head and fixated on that spot for a split second.

I was thinking about Linda’s question, wondering why telephones WERE invented. My first conclusion was , I knew damn well telephones weren’t invented so that people could be called for work assignments.

Well you know I was being completely over analytic …

As usual …

… coming up with all kinds of conflicting thoughts. For a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell calling his assistant, what was his name ? ….. was it Watson…? to come upstairs because he had spilled some chemical on his hand.

All of this thinking and wondering happened within a split second but, I guess the timing was just right … you know, one beat, two beat.

Pause ..

Are you waiting for me to start playing the drums on the table Nick?   Hey I never realized you’re a door peeper!

You learn something every day don’t you Jessica?

Silence …

Anyway, I guess they were waiting to hear what I was going to say so, there was some suspense in the air when suddenly I realized I didn’t know why in the hell the telephone was invented.

I felt this kind of confused or maybe it was a concerned look, come over my face. I said, ‘’Wull .. to tell you the truth I don’t know WHY the telephone was invented.’’

I guess I hit three funny bones at the same time since a wall of sound washed over me … you know, that high pitched cackling sound women make when they all start laughing at the same time? It practically threw my head back. I thought I may have aggravated an old football injury.  Don’t they call that the G note, or something like that?

I think you got it all wrong there Nick.  But it would be my pleasure to enlighten you on the difference when the time is right.  

Oh yeah … right!  Jeeze Jess, I’m pretty excited about that.  Isn’t the time at hand always right time, Jess?

Nick looks at Jessica … a sly look on his face.

Don’t get sidetracked Nick.  Gimme the punch line o.k.?

O.K. So, what’s funny is, I wasn’t even trying to be funny. I think it was one of those moments when you find yourself being honest in an almost unconscious way.

The words just popped out of me.  It seemed like I was having one of those out of body experiences.

The thought of total and complete honesty is so far from people’s minds … maybe because it’s so rare… it catches people totally unaware; it’s totally unexpected and… then it makes them laugh.

Gosh Nick, you’re so funny.  Even when you’re not trying to be funny ‘yer funny aren’t you?   

Pause …

Goshdarnit Nick!  You showed ’em whose boss didn’t you?  Real power comes in response to that G spot … I mean note … 

Wull, you’re damn right Jessica.  They won’t do that again! (Nick looks at Jessica, a ridiculously serious look on his face. Jessica’s eyebrows are arched in mock seriousness.)

Nick and Jessica dissolve into laughter.  Pause …

Now, what about that G thing Jess?

He he he …. 

P1010812

Revealed

Nick and Jessica Discuss College Level Sex Education

Another look at Nick and Jessica sparring about their favorite subject.  Sex!  Sex and laughing!  “Wull, they’re almost the same aren’t they,” says Nick.  Must be so.  It looked like they both were having orgasms a while ago even though they were laughing.  You be the judge ..

O.K. so, let me get this straight.  You are going to tell me some important definitive facts about male sexuality that you learned in some bogus college level sex-ed class you took, that I would have known about since, we both went to the SAME SCHOOL!

Nick stares into his coffee cup, a smile on his face.

What I really think is, you’re going tell me some bullshit story you thought of after we relived the time I fell off my chair laughing in geometry class when you told me that stupid  ‘two dogs fucking’ joke.

Nick and Jessica both chuckle.  Jessica looks at Nick.

Why don’t you share with me some of the high points you learned in this class Nick like,  maybe you learned the finer points of putting a freeking condom on or, the chemical composition of latex vs sheepskin?

In case you’re wondering Jessica, this was a real class that was held over next to the field house.  The class had mostly jocks in it.  I guess it was a pretty well kept secret so that only jocks could take it for an easy A.

That makes sense.  They could major in Fly Tying with a minor in Sex Ed. right Nick?

Pause … Nick in repose.

Nick, I don’t believe a word you’re going to tell me but … you might make me laugh so what the hell.  Let me have it.  

Wull, like I said, those jock classes were a well kept secret.  I took another class over there with all jocks called ‘Principles of Safety’.  Both classes were easy A’s for those guys.  Wull … for me too!

Principles of Safety!  Oh my God!  They should have combined the two classes into one Nick.  A lot of girls were getting knocked up back when girls got married when they got pregnant.  I pity those girls who had to marry those asshole jocks just because they didn’t know the finer points of how to put a condom on … I think they could have used a couple of those principles of safety don’t you?

Good God Jessica.  You’re ridiculous.  (Nick has a half smile on his face.)

Suddenly Nick’s eyes light up.

So, are you telling me you know a lot about about the sex life of jocks and condoms and that sort of thing?  Are you telling me you’ve had a lot of experiences with ….

You know me better than that!  NOT EXPERIENCES WITH NICK you dork ass!  It’s what I HEARD!  You forget, I’ve had a lot of female roomates who constantly astounded me with their stories about men.

Pause …

Like, did you know that men completely lose their sense of time when they have sex? They think that 3 or 4 minutes is like, a half hour.  And they think that this, (Jessica holds up her thumb and forefinger about 3 inches apart) is six inches! And they say men are better at math?

That’s not math Jessica it’s geometry.

Shut up!

That’s a pretty funny statement especially when  you’re always saying, ”Not that size matters.”

Jessica glares at Nick, her lips compressed in mock defiance.

Jessica!  Jeeze, think of all the first hand knowledge you could have brought into that class.  It’s too bad you didn’t know about it.

I was just thinking of some of the teaching aids that prof probably used.  Way too strange to even think about.  There’s this one vision I have,  it’s a large display comparing a sheep’s vag …..

It was nothing like that Jessica! It was more serious in nature than that ….

Serious in nature!  Ha ha HA .. Oh my fricking Herbie Hancock Nick!  I can just imagine a roomful of dumb ass jocks learning about condoms and sheep and space and time.

Nick looks at Jessica with a serious look on his face.

So,  now you’re telling me college level sex-ed is serious business!  Highly intellectual right?

Pause.  Nick looks down.

Or maybe you’re confused.  Maybe the learning experiences you had actually took place at your apartment that one semester you got lucky a couple of times.

Pause …

For crying out loud Nick!  Going to school for 4 years was a fucking sex ed workshop in itself wasn’t it?  Mhmmm, that’s a special way of putting it.

(Jessica’s forehead is furrowed.  she appers to be deep in thought).

Jessica turns her head to the right.  She mutters under her breath,  ”Christ almighty … the only people qualified to teach sex ed are women.  Most men don’t know shit about sex even after they find out they don’t know shit!”  Jessica shakes her head.   She moves her elbow further to her left so she can get a better view of Nick’s  face.  

Nick looks into his coffee cup.  If you look closely at the subtle expression on his face you can see he is enjoying everything Jessica says.

Look closer and it’s obvious that Nick is trying hard to suppress his laughter.

Jessica places her right elbow on the breakfast bar.  The back of her head rests on the palm of her hand so she can see Nick’s face better.

Nick!  Look a me!  You know you’re full of shit don’t you?

Does it matter Jessica? (Nick bites his lower lip to conceal his amusement.)

Jessica can tell that soon they will both start laughing.

Nick and Jessica call fits of laughter ‘laugh orgasms’.  At this point, Jessica realizes she is in the throes of experiencing a laugh orgasm.

Nick tells Jessica he seduces her into laugh orgasms.  ‘It’s the foreplay of my words that control you completely, Jessica.”  He calls her a ‘nympho-laugh-a-maniac’  which is funny to them no matter how many times he says it.

“I can always tell when you’re gonna lose control Jess.  You look like you’re going to pee your pants.  Then your face gets really red and you have this pleading look.  When you can’t talk anymore I see tears forming along the bottom of your eye lids.  That’s when know I’ve gotten into (what Nick calls) your laugh crack.”

Nick and Jessica usually cackle about the term ‘nympho-laugh-o-maniac”.   Nick shortened the term.  He calls her a ”nympho”.  Jessica usually says,

‘’ I don’t care!  I don’t give a shit if I’m a laugh nympho Nick!  Give it to me baby!  I can’t get enough! ”  

Jessica does an imitation of James Brown, “I’m proud, I’m white and i’m a nympho!  I’m white and I’m a nympho.”   

Jessica continues her diatribe.  Nick listens patiently, a smirk on his face.

 Jessica’s face is getting  red.  Her voice is starting to come from her throat but with a hysterical tone.

I know a couple of girls who had enough life experiences that they would have had their masters degree in sex-ed by the time they graduated in four years.  Don’t they call that klepping?  You know, when you get credit for a class when you’ve have enough life experience in that area?

I don’t ….

Jessica looks pensive.

Actually, these girls could have had their fucking Phd’s in Sex Ed. within 4 years.  Hey!  That’s a great name for a degree in that area, don’t you think? 

What?  Dr. of Sex Education?

No Nick, you dork ass!  A Fucking Phd!

Nick and Jessica dissolve into laughter.  Nick’s elbows rest on the breakfast bar. His head rests against the fingers and thumb of his hands on either side of his face.  His eyes are squinted shut.

Jessica’s head is thrown all the way back against the top of her spine.  Her eyes are closed while her mouth is open with laughter.  (Nick says the true measure of any orgasm,  physical or from laughter,  is when your head is thrown back and your mouth is open)

After 30 seconds or so,  Nick and Jessica embrace and sway side to side while laughing.

When their laughter subsides  they pull back and look at each other.  Jessica’s cheeks are tear stained.

“Gosh Nick.  That was really good.  That was the best I’ve had in a long time. ….. Uumm …  Let’s do it again.’’

Nick and Jessica break down while continuing to laugh.

Until the Next Time: The Kathy and Derek Chronological … The End

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I turned and walked toward the open door of the Mustang while re-running a little video inside my brain of what happened during the last 10 or 15 minutes.

I saw Scooter Guy dazed and confused,  tangled up in the wreckage of his scooter wondering how in the world he went from jamming a yard sale sign into the ground to looking at the sky with a human face staring down at him.  

But most of the scenes in my video were of Kathy and Derek.

There’s Kathy half way out of the car window chiding me about the spelling of ‘Yeard’, making me aware of the penis, knowing that I’d take the bait, wondering what crazy shit would ensue. Her teeth her smile her eyes reflecting sunlight; the light of good humor, her body a metronome inside of some internal clock, bouncing up and down in time with the music that is always there but not always felt or heard or seen. Music that the world brings to us when somehow,  the rigors of every day life fall away and true life is exposed.

I saw Derek coming at me like a soft human tank growing larger his lips stretched back his white teeth gleaming in the sun, ”getting’ the joke,  happy to be part of it, unafraid to show his affection. The last thing I remember, sight of him laughing, double visions of his face bouncing to the music of HIS internal laugh clock.

I pulled the car door shut, put the Mustang into first gear, looked both ways and slowly let out on the clutch.  A split second before moving through the intersection  I glanced into the rear view mirror.

Kathy’s head was still outside of her window. She still had that shit eating grin on her face her head bobbing up and down and up and down and up and down just like the bobble headed hula girl that my grandparents displayed on the open shelving unit that separated their tiny little living room from their tiny little kitchen.

The End …..

Kathy and Derek: The Possibility of Road Rage

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Suddenly I realized I was alone standing in the middle of the left lane, the Mustang running with the door open.

I knew that the drivers behind Kathy and Derek were oblivious of the circumstances anxious to move past the Stop sign to continue along their well worn paths.  

Like …  even if they had seen Scooter Man trapped under his scooter they couldn’t have known about the penis on the yard sign which wouldn’t have made any difference, since the real reason traffic was being held up was, I was totally debilitated by the ridiculous absurdity of a penis on a yard sign, while Kathy and Derek were overwhelmed with laughter at the sight of me acting like an ass totally convinced that there was a penis on a yard sale sign. We were indulging ourselves with laughter. We knew that any one of us could have been playing the role I was currently playing.  

As the line of incoming traffic grew I felt their resentment  heating up.  I figured I’d have to either get the hell out of there or face the consequences of collective road rage.

I glanced at Kathy and Derek two cars behind the Mustang.

Their body language spoke volumes.

Continued … The Exciting Conclusion (once again) of The Kathy and Derek Chronicle

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: “There’s A Penis On That Sign Can’t You See It?”

Once again, I turned to look at the yard sign.  But, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Scooter Guy who was attempting to mount and drive the scooter away from where he had fallen. 

 One wheel of the scooter rested on the black top of the street where I waited at the Stop sign.  The other was on the shoulder of the busy cross street I had been waiting to cross over.  

If things continued the way they were going, Scooter Guy would soon be driving on the shoulder of the busy street against traffic!

(Across the street, a wide gray concrete bike path watched Scooter Guy with cold indifference all the while thinking, ‘’Jeeze, what a dumb ass.”)

When I finally DID look at the yard sign all thoughts of Scooter Guy disappeared. 

The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown much larger and more prominent than before!  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would ANYBODY insert a penis between the R and D of a  yard sale sign in the first place?

I turned my head to look back at Derek.  I peered into his eyes.  Pointing at the sign I hollered, “There’s a penis on that sign!  Can’t you see it!”

Not much had changed since Derek had given me the big bear hug.  His eyes were still squinting.  His lips were still stretched into a wide grin with his teeth  showing.  In addition now, his head and shoulders were bouncing up and down and up and down from laughing, which gave his face a kind of blurred image.

Suddenly he turned away.   An instant later all I saw was the back of his flannel shirt receding, getting smaller as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.

continued …

 

More Sex Talk Between Nick and Jessica/Jessica and Nick

Jee-sus Jessica!  Woody had had a smaller body than your dad didn’t he, for crying out loud, why wouldn’t he have a smaller dick?

I guess I was pretty stupid but what do you expect from a four year old brain? If you’ve only seen one c_ ck for the first four years of your life … not that i saw it that often … you tend to generalize.  You think that all c..ks are the same size … not that size matters of course … .  Well anyway … I don’t think there’s that much difference between the genitalia  of women, unlike your species with it’s wide variation of penile personalities and looks.  

Oh, is that right Jessica  …?

Here’s something I just realized Nick.  

Hey .. a penile epiphany?!

 Listen to me .… it amazes me that with all the variation among men’s c_ _ks that they all have the same first name …… you know ………. , Peter! (Jessica is laughing but only her stomach laughs and little puffing sounds are coming out of her nose)     I guess their last names are  what distinguish each different c_ ck  from all the others.  (Nick’s mouth is agape.)   Like your _ _ck would be named Peter Michaels.  Don’t you think that having a name for your c_ck makes it so much more personal,  Nick?  Like, if I was screwing around with you all afternoon .. i said IF I was … and when I got home my mom asked me what i did all afternoon all I’d have to say is,  I was with Peter Michaels, right Nick?  How do you think that would work out.  

That’s a funny thought isn’t it?  

Well yes Jessica.  That is a funny thought but, don’t you think she’d be dubious no matter what name you used? Or wouldn’t your mom think it strange that every date you had was with a guy named Peter but they all had different last names?

So, don’t tell me any jokes I don’t already know. I’m not that kind of girl and you know that … 

Yes I do know that Jessica.  Jessica Harvey, you are beautiful in every way.   Well listen, I got a question for you, miss smarty pants …. what about families where there are a couple of brothers with the same last name?  How would you work out the problem of giving their d_ _ks names?

… in cases like that you could use Dick or Rick or even Richard.  hmmmm ,.. i bet they have special problems in China Nick.  You know … there’s a laaaatt a Dongs over there Nickey boy!

Nick and Jessica dissolve into laughter.  Jessica is making her hehehe sound, her face is red and a vein down the middle of her forehead is visible.  She looks at Nick with a pleading look on her face.  Her eyes are about to overflow with tears.

A lot’a dongs over there!!  hahahaha …. ..  Oh my God Jerssica.  That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time. You’ve had a loooong dry spell there Jess.  This one was a real ”topper”.    hahaha ….

You are so goddamned funny sometimes … jeesus.  The rest of the time you don’t know shit but … no no I didn’t mean it that way.  You know that.  Ok so let’s look at it this way. First of all,  i can’t imagine a guy’s c_ _k named Dick Dick but .. that’s something we can talk about later. What i wanted to say was .. shit Jess … let’s face it, you haven’t seen that many male genitalia …  as you call them … to know hardly anything about men’s c_cks.  …….. And where do you get off making statements about women’s p_ _sys Jessica?  You’ve probably seen fewer p_ _ seys then you’ve seen c_ cks.

Wull, I’ve seen my dad’s and  well … a couple more maybe … and i  ….

Oh yeah!  That’s a huge random sample Jessica.  You’ve seen your dad’s c_ _ck and several on the internet so I guess through extrapolation that makes you an expert on every man’s dick in the whole world, right?

….  got a lot of information off the internet.  and of course i know what yours ….

Hey!  I can see where this conversation’s going.  I wanted to relive the time i saw you beating the shit out of Terry Scrivner that day he shot you in the face with his b.b. gun.  But as long as we’re going down the yellow brick road of penis’ and vaginas …. continued …

Tragedy Fall

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continued …

Jim and June

June and Jim lived in one of those two story mission style houses built during the thirties, three dormer windows on the second floor facing the street seven or eight steps up to the front porch, past a tapered column supporting the wide porch ceiling another 15 feet to the front door.  A big house that filled a whole residential sized lot.

June was tiny like my mom, below five feet tall with dark auburn hair. The perfectly proportioned body of a budding school girl.  Round hips, breasts that were neither too small or too large.  The same age as my mom which would have put them both in their late twenties early thirties. Not beautiful, maybe not even pretty but cute with a constant smile on her face.  She wasn’t a giggler, she had infectious laughter that came from some place deeper in her throat.

June’s husband Jim, six feet two broad shoulders a good looking guy on the order of Rock Hudson or even George Clooney with an extra few pounds of muscle looked like he could kick the shit out of just about anyone but he didn’t impose his size on people so, when you were talking to him with the sun at his back you didn’t realize you were standing in the shadow of a small tree.

He didn’t constantly interact with people in a humorous way like June.  Most of the time he was content to watch constantly smiling, occasionally chuckling, amused at the sight of everyone’s drunken revelry especially when the action became kinetic and loud.

When he WAS funny his exaggerations or slightly sarcastic comments came as a complete surprise to everyone delivered as they always were, in a low key manner at the precisely the moment everyone else’s laughter had almost died down.   You might say he had perfect timing.

It took a moment of silence for his comments to sink in but when they did, everyone howled with amusement practically rolling on the ground with laughter while the contented smile of amusement never left his face.    continued …

If Stupid Is Funny Then Donald Trump Is A ……….. ck!

UnknownSo anyway … .  Before my doctor’s appointment I was listening to Terry Gross interview the cartoon editor from New York magazine.  When Terry asked what role embarrassment plays in humor, my ears pricked up.   His answer was a life changer!

“Embarrassment is the mothers milk of humor,”  he said.  Wow! Suddenly I felt liberated. Self actualized!  If only I would have known this years ago.  Think of all the unnecessary angst I’ve felt over the years not knowing it was actually OK to act stupid in public as long as people are laughing in your wake!

I felt energized.  Full of myself.  I thought, “I wonder if there’s something beyond ‘self actualization I could reach for?  Maybe sainthood?’’

I had  heard that Mother Theresa had a good sense of humor.  But hmmm … humor  wasn’t her strong suit.  And Saint Nicholas?  Wull … he wasn’t such a jolly ‘ole soul until the marketing department at Coca Cola depicted him laughing while drinking a rum and coke.  You didn’t know that?

Whoa!!  Suddenly I was afraid that if I got too cocky I’d lose my newly found sense of self esteem. It’d be like making a short trip to the outhouse only to discover I was constipated!

(Shit of course, being the funniest word in the English language.  oh! .. sorry!)

Well, you know acting stupid does not automatically qualify you as a funny person.  That’s ridiculous!  If this were true Donald Trump would be one of the funniest people on the planet!

Which brings me to the second most funny word in the English language ‘dumbfuck’.

Oh! … Sorry again!  I’m embarrassed … hahahahahaha …

Truth of the matter is, it’s OK to use a funny word like dumbfuck to describe a not so funny person as long as you end up laughing at that person for being the dumbfuck that they are.

Dontcha’ think?

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Christmas Stories

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Don’t you think those unexpected, unique events that sometimes occur during Christmas are presents more memorable than any single gift received?  

Maybe the memories are more powerful because  they’re shared by everyone at the same time.  

Like that one Chrisrtmas Eve, the air crisp and cold, the sky crystal clear, snow falling the size of fat cotton balls, sparkling like diamonds on the ground each flake reflecting a different star (or so our ten year old minds thought), the entire family gathered at our house (aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents) when my grandfather who worked for the Grand Trunk Railroad brought a lady home from Canada who had been stranded at the depot, to join us for our Christmas Eve celebration.

The addition of a person we had never seen or met before added an element of excitement to the gathering.  We treated her like an honored guest.

Knowing the rules would be more lax in her presence we gave little effort toward restraining our laughter and sense of mirth reveling in the sense of joy we created as our gift to her.

I can still see her sitting in the blue ‘Naugahyde’ chair her head thrown back, mouth wide open laughing along with all of us when uncle Bill lost his balance while bouncing around on a pogo stick in the middle of the living room, knocked over a lamp then rolled onto the shade after losing his balance and falling.

That was the same year we discovered several of my cousins gifts went up in smoke when her pajamas and other girly things were gathered together along with the gift wrappings, thrown into the fireplace and burned.

Everyone was so sympathetic while she cried.  My brother and I thought it was hilarious.

continued …

The Humor of Orthopedia

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The Humor of Orthoipedia

So … yesterday I had a one o’clock appointment with my orthopedic person to have my head …er .. knee examined.  (I’m not a bone head fer cryin’ out loud! I have an orthopedic neurologist for that!)  .

An older guy, probably my age was waiting with a dog on his lap.  To his left and right were a couple of other people one of which I assumed was his wife.

They seemed friendly enough.  When i passed by I said hi and they smiled.

While standing in front of the sliding glass window looking at the clip board  I thought I heard someone say, ‘’It doesn’t look like he’s limping.’’

Naturally i thought the comment pertained to me.

I smiled, knowing that my reply might make them laugh.

“I’m faking it!’’  I said while turning around with a smile on my face.  All four of them stared at me  with blank looks on their faces.

“Whoops,”  i thought, “Have i made an ass out of myself again?”

I immediately realized I had accidentally dropped into adolescent thinking mode.  I automatically  changed gears and when I did I started thinking the situation was funny.

Wull,  at least they stopped their idle chatter for a moment, I thought.  (Maybe they were talking about Donald Trump? But they seemed like fairly happy people.) 

“Jeeze,”  i said,  “I thought you were talking about me.’’  I touched my right knee and gave it a little rub.

The guy holding the dog says, ‘’No, we were talking about the dog.”

continued …

I Laughed So Hard I Almost Died II

continued … But, what the hell could I do to help?

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When she started bouncing up and down I started to lose control.  I put my head on the desk to try to escape the mayhem.  It didn’t help.   When I started bouncing she started poking  me in the ribs.  She always did that when I least expected it!

While she poked I heard her, ‘’He, he, heing … .” I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that every person in the room  was looking at us and I KNEW that Austin was probably pissed and soon he’d be getting in my face.  He was such an asshole.

She kept on nudging and nudging me in the ribs.  And I could hear her laughing and I didn’t know what to do and it seemed like I was going to explode when the unthinkable happened.

For some reason she threw her arm out.  It was so unexpected and I was so startled that I flipped off the chair onto the floor!

By  then, the silliness of the situation had completely overwhelmed me.  Laughing so hard I could hardly breathe, the embarrassment of rolling around on the floor in front of everybody was the furthest thing from my mind.  I was completely lost in the moment.

While pitching around down there I fixated on Nancy Tilson’s (the girl who sat in front of us) feet!  She was wearing those white sox girls used to wear,  rolled down around her ankles.  And I can still see that grain of that ancient pine wood floor,  as if I was seeing it through a microscope.  

Rolled down socks, grains of wood, saddle oxford shoes!  It’s amazing what you remember when you’re in a near hysterical state.

continued …  .. The next thing I knew …. 

She Laughed Until She Almost Died

images-2I remember the first time we realized we both thought raunchy humor was hilarious.

We were Juniors in high school in Austin’s geometry class.  We were sitting in the back row like we always did so we could make each other laugh without getting caught.

Austin was talking about vectors or something that had to do with lines.   He was slapping that stick he had with the rubber point against the blackboard like he always did.

I had just told her the story about the kid who got named Two Dogs F___ing because of the tradition that, after giving birth the mother names the kid after the first thing she sees.

She thought it was so funny she couldn’t stop laughing.  Her laughter kept getting more intense.  She couldn’t help herself.   

She started losing control so she put her hand over her mouth.

Her face got red.  She had this pleading look on her face.  I could see tears forming in her eyes.  She looked so funny!  Like she was going to explode.

She started moving her head from side to side.  Her eyes got real wide.  A look of fear, actually.   Like she was afraid she was going to lose control.  So she put BOTH hands over her mouth and nose (she was a notorious nose snorter).

All I could see were her teary, frantic looking eyes looking at me over the top of both thumbs crossed over the bridge of her nose.

Then her eyes got buggy, like she had a goiter.  Her hands were clamped so tightly against her face that she started blowing fart sounds between her fingers.

Her eyes were so red and bugged out you could almost see the veins.  A birthmark in the middle of her forehead that you could only see when her face got red, was bulging.  And those squeaky fart sounds!  Oh my God!

Continued …  She started moving her head from side to side while she had a pleading look in her eyes.  Like she was pleading with me to do something but, what the hell could I do?  

Overheard At the Mall One Day: Funny Shoes, Miles of Smiles, Craftsman Skill Saws, She Cracks Him Up .. The End

Was the Harley guy good looking too. Whoops, I hate those pony tails on grown men.

images-1Suddenly you realize the world is back to normal. People are walking by. You’re standing with this guy having a friendly conversation. The guy reaches over, touches your arm and says, ‘’You have a nice face.” You’re caught off guard again. You don’t know what to say.  He turns as he walks away says, ‘’But I don’t know about your taste in shoes.”  He’s grinning ear to ear.  He gives you one of those little side to side kid waves.  Then, he’s gone.

I was hoping he’d walk down to Sears with me to buy a Craftsman skill saw that was on sale that day … ..

I bet you’ve always wanted a circular saw, haven’t you?

Hey man … you live in your world, I’ll live in mine.

But the guy was me!

Well ok. Hey! When you’re done talking, do you want to drive over to Sears with me? I hear there’s a sale on tools …

You crack me up.

Pause … thinking …

The End …

 

Overheard At the Mall One Day In Front of Starbucks … continued …

continued … The guy gets a big kick out of himself doesn’t he? 

Let’s just say this guy loves it when the ordinary world turns upside down.

Pause … So what happens next?

Suddenly time stops. It seems like no one is paying attention anymore.  People are like blurs or streaks of color passing by.  That half of your world has just dropped away but it doesn’t really matter since you don’t need it in this new world anyway.  It’s almost like you’re living inside one of those snow globes.  The world is swirling around while you and the characters in your world are stationary.

Sounds like I’ve been seduced because the situation is so ‘ridiculoso’ …

Then, for some reason, you start to laugh. You realize there’s something incredibly ridiculous about the whole situation.  It’s so out of the ordinary.  So unique for you.  And you have this super awareness!  Which you love!  You look at the guy you bumped into.  There’s  something about his face.  Or his laugh. Or both.  It’s so honest. Spontaneous.  It seems like he’s telling you the truth about the absurdity of life without saying a word.  Maybe he set the whole thing up for your enjoyment. Like it all was SUPPOSED to be funny and you’re just going along with the flow … like you’re in a Saturday Night Live routine making it up as you go along.

pause … wull,  it’s pretty obvious you’re not in the same world anymore isn’t it?

Cool!  I’m an astronaut on the Planet Mall, right?  continued … 

So, when the guy picks up the broken shoe he looks up at the Harley guy and says ….. 

Overheard Recently II

The big guy with a Harley t-shirt is standing there wondering what to do. The shoe box is open and the little piece of tissue paper is lying there.

I don’t want something like that to happen to me … 

…. So, here’s what happens next. The guy you bumped into … he’s on all fours scrambling around for your shoes and the tissue paper when suddenly he turns his head and looks straight into your eyes.  He’s studying your face and he’s grinning from ear to ear.  He’s wondering if you think the situation is as funny as he does.

If I’m hip to the situation …

Right!  So, you feel yourself lighten up because he’s got a nice smile and you sense what his feelings are which are that, the situation is totally ridiculous and crazy and really funny!  That’s when you realize  a situation like this has never happened to you before.

So, it’s totally NOT the same shit that happens every day.  I’m out of my trance, right? Tell me more about this guy who likes my eyes. Is he good looking? Is he going to  buy me a cup of coffee at Starbucks for all the …..

…  the guy says, ‘’Wull shit. I just bought a pair of shoes just like these.’’ And before he finishes the sentence, he starts laughing like … almost uncontrollably.  He says, ‘’ .. Oh my god,’’ under his breath so you can barely hear him.  He’s making this keening sound while he struggles to keep himself under control.  He’s fumbling with the shoes trying to get them into the box.  He forgets to put the tissue in the box which makes him laugh even more. He’s in control but barely.  You expect to see him roll over and  lose it completely.

The guy gets a big kick out of himself doesn’t he?

Let’s just say this guy loves it when the ordinary world turns upside down.

Pause …

So what happens next?

continued …

Going Out With A Bang: There Were Pink Panties (Revised)

A split second before Green leaped off the podium to come after me, a white dot appeared.  The dot kept getting larger.  When it streaked past, not six inches from my face, I realized he had thrown his baton at me!

Strange as it seems, I pictured myself wearing a black patch over my left eye while Green, a look of despair on his face, pleaded with the school board to keep his job.

While Green moved toward me Nancy’s head reappeared from beneath her chair.  Startled at the mad dog look in Green’s eyes she lost her balance and tipped to the left.  Her chair shot sideways from beneath her toward the percussion section.

She succeeded at cushioning her fall but her clarinet hit the floor first.  She lay on her left side, her broken clarinet inches in front of her face Marilyn’s piccolo held high in her her right hand, a triumphant look on her face.

While Green struggled to squeeze between a tympani drum and the glockenspiel I made my move toward the door.  On the way I saw a snare drum embedded within an open gash on the side of the bass drum.  I think when Nancy’s chair shot out from beneath her it hit the snare drum with such force that it broke through the head.

Before exiting through the band room door, I looked back at the carnage.

continued …

Going Out With A Bang: There Were Pink Panties and “Nether Regions”

…  she leaned forward pushing her butt off the chair extending her arm as far as she could … her head seemed to disappear between her knees.  

A white dot appeared before my eyes as Green leaped off the podium.  When it streaked past, not six inches from my left eye, I realized he had thrown his baton at me.

When Nancy’s head emerged from beneath her chair piccolo in hand,  she jerked away from Green’s mad dog face too quickly and fell to the floor.  On the way down, her chair shot from beneath her toward the percussion section.

Lying on her side,  her badly damaged clarinet inches from her face, Nancy held the piccolo high  a triumphant look on her face.

While Green was temporarily stuck between a tympani drum and the glockenspiel I broke for  the door.

On the way I noticed a snare drum lying against the side of another snare drum embedded within a gash on the head of the bass drum.

On the floor in front of the mess sat Nancy her knees raised, struggling to cover her naked thighs and pink panties, her skirt having fallen well past the mid thigh mark.  (My theory is that, when her chair shot from beneath her, it hit the first snare drum causing the chain reaction that slashed bass drum head.)

I couldn’t stand there and gawk but later Greg Spencer the oboe player told me, with a sly look on his face, her pink panties and ”nether regions” (as he put it) were visible for a long time.

continued …

images

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … (is it 6 or 7? oh! … sorry!)

– 6 –

… when that wall of sound washed over me me it 

knocked my head straight back … 

don’t they call that the G note, 

or something like that … ?

images-8

 (that’s not me …)

 what’s funny is … 

I wasn’t even trying to be  

funny … ! 

…..

 it was one of those moments when i found myself 

unconsciously being completely 

honest … ! almost like I was having an 

out of body experience … !

spontaneous, innocent  honesty is so 

hard to find these days … !!

 because it’s so rare … so totally unexpected  …  

it makes people laugh … ! 

…..

wull … what’s even funnier still is, … 

looking back i see myself  continuing to 

ponder the question … !! .. !  

(… why WAS the telephone invented … ?)

 maybe Alexander Graham Bell was trying 

to figure out a way to let his servants know

it was time to bring the soup 

to the dining room upstairs …? 

or, 

maybe he didn’t even know what the 

damn thing would be used for … he just knew 

someone ELSE was trying to invent one 

and HE wanted to be first … !

…..

 therefore …

 how could ANYONE really 

KNOW why the telephone was invented … ?  

…..

i knew those three women had absolutely no idea 

that the question had taken on

such ridiculously high  

philosophical dimensions to me …

and i damn sure wasn’t going to give them 

even an inkling of 

what I was thinking … 

… continued …

images

London Broil IV – Redux – End

continued …  “she’ll just have to eat her goddamned popcorn with butter tonight  … !  he wondered if she’d know the difference … but, he knew better … )

When he got back home she was fast asleep in bed … …..

hmmmmm, he thought … 

…..

he figured, since the next day was saturday 

(… and she’d be sleeping in … ) 

he’d leave early for his appointment at 

Peter’s Quickie Loan Place

(… across the street from the Piggly Wiggly … ), 

pick up a couple tubs of margarine for the popcorn AND a couple pounds of butter, just in case … !

…..

he knew he’d have hell to pay if 

there wasn’t any butter in the house … 

since she preferred butter on her

toast … !

The End ..

London Broil – Redux – Part III

continued … when he doubled over she called him a doofey unemployed jake ass ….. he laughed to himself …  ”what the hell is a ‘jake ass … ?”  continued …

….. most nights after cleaning the kitchen he joined her in the t.v. room even though he hated that goddamned western channel …

…..

he usually curled up with a book by his favorite author louis l’amor …

…..

that one night she told him she wanted popcorn …

…..

… he took great pride in his popcorn making skills … but on that one night they had run out of margarine ….. !

…..

it was a mystery to him why she didn’t like butter on her popcorn … he loved buttered popcorn … !

maybe  that was the reason why … ?

…..

“… wull  … ,” he told her, ”there isn’t any margarine … ”

…..

but she insisted,

… ”the car’s got plenty of gas,” she said,  …

” … and i could use some quiet time. 

so why don’t you just leave  … ” ?

…..

so, he drove 8 miles to

the Piggly Wiggly in town 

but it was closed for the annual inventory …

…..

so he drove around the corner to 

Charlies Convenience Store 

but it must have burned down …

the walls were charred black

and the roof was missing …

…..

‘’ … i’ll be damed if i’ll drive another three miles over to Plank City for a tub of frickin’ Parkay … ,” he said, out loud to himself …

…..

“… she’ll just have to eat her goddamned popcorn with butter tonight … ” !

…..

( … he wondered if she’d know the difference … 

but

he knew better … )

continued … 

London Broil Redux

continued … why feta cheese, he wondered ??  … she said it had something to do with goats milk and the symbyotic relationship goats have with tomatoes ..??

*****

she gloated it over him …

the meat thing, i mean … 

and the fact that he wasn’t working …

…..

naturally, he didn’t want to make waves

so he ate the damned feta cheese .. 

(after all … he WAS unemployed) …

…..

but he would NOT give in when she asked if he 

liked the feta cheese … !

…..

she always laughed, 

‘i can tell by the look on your face it sickens you!!!”

…..

one night he had to leave the table after eating

a piece with green mold … !

…..

after that, 

he hated bleu cheese more than ever … ! 

…..

she followed him to the bathroom 

chortling the whole way, 

 ‘’i know why you’re sick you flack ass,’’ she said … 

it’s that cheese you liar … !  you hate it … !’’

…..

he told her he thought it was

something he ate at the unemployment office …

she laughed again … 

’’probably one of those meaty hot dogs you like so much you 

meat eating, in denial vegetarian … !” 

she said it with a 

shit eating grin on her face …

…..

she put her arms around him which 

he though was kind of nice for a change but

she faked one of those knee jabs to his crotch …

…..

when he doubled over she called him a 

doofey unemployed jake ass …

…..

he laughed to himself … 

”what the hell is a ‘jake ass … ?”  

continued …

If You Liked ‘… It All Happened That Night” You’ll Love This ….. London Broil


They had meat for dinner almost every night …

but for months he had been eating tomatoes and feta cheese for dinner even though he hated feta cheese …

he couldn’t stand the taste and it made him sick …

she insisted all along he become a vegetarian and she insisted he eat feta cheese even though he loved meat and potatoes …

” .. honey ,” she said, “as long as you bring home the bacon you can have whatever you want … !”

which ….  this was the problem  … !  

he hadn’t worked for months and 

tomatoes with feta cheese is a LOT cheaper than 

two people eating london broil … !  

(even though they had plenty of money … )

it was her idea he only eat feta cheese and tomatoes …

he just shook his head …

why feta cheese, he wondered ??

 … she said it had something to do with goats milk and the symbyotic relationship goats have with tomatoes ….  ???  

continued …

It All Happened That Night V … End

4

We got home around nine thirty.

She was angry and wouldn’t speak to me.

“You knew all along didn’t you!” she said …

“Well kind of.  But i was hoping.”

Pause …

“Well, you know how it is!” But she didn’t believe me!

To make matters worse, the pilot light had blown out and we didn’t have any god forsaken matches!  The ones we had were wet!!

Then she got sick!

I thought at first she might be pregnant!

I asked her but as soon as the words spilled out of my mouth I realized we hadn’t had sex in over a year!

5

She cried after that.

“I wasn’t going to tell you,” she said in between sobs and retching.

“I’m pregnant with Dick’s baby!”

“What a relief,” I thought!

I’d been wanting to break up with her for almost five years!

That son of a bitch Dick had actuality done me a favor!

It All Happened That Night IV

truth of the matter is …” she said, ” i wasn’t paying attention to a word you said … !”  i had other things on my mind … ”  continued …..

Then she says, “Why don’t we go inside where the  fireplace is and have a brandy?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Why not? Maybe we could have a steak afterward.”

She said the food at the lodge was lousy.

I thought “Won’t she be surprised?!

I didn’t even think there was a fireplace over there! It’s one of the worst lodges in town! And it’s not that big of a town!”

Then i remembered it was Sunday!

I was pretty sure they weren’t serving liquor on Sunday!

Boy was she mad!

That was about the funniest thing that happened all day!

You should have seen the look on her face!

It was pure irony!

continued …

…..

It All Started That Night

It was a cold night! I mean, it was cold as hell! It felt like there was ice between my jacket and my shirt!

 She had that mink thing on but it only covered her neck!

 We stood outside waiting for about a half hour!

Finally i said, ‘’Where in the hell are Dick and Jeannie?“

 She got that quizzical look on her face!  “UH-OH,”I thought.  “Here comes another one of her zingers!”

 “I’m freezing my tukkus off … !”  she said. “You told me it wouldn’t be that cold!”

 I knew I had done no such thing.  So i said, “I did no such thing!’’

 So she says, “Well, that’s what i’m talking about!!

 She was so angry she spit the words right out out at me!!

 I didn’t want to be rude.  So i took the blame.

 “I’m sorry,” I said.   “If I would have known … ”

 Pause …

 “I thought Dick and Jeannie were going to meet us here anyway!”

 “Dick and Jeannie !  For christ’s sake they’re the last people i want to see on a night like this!”

A Day In The Life IV

continued …. some barn shots to put in the barn file …then i said … fuck … i’ve got to take a shower and get the hell out of here …

images

 … so finally i took a shower … and got dressed … i wanted to go out but i looked at that sunburst mirror, remembered i hadn’t taken the measurements then i looked over at that great vintage bentwood magazine rack … shit …, i’d better get these fakers posted on ebay … when i picked up the magazine rack that was on the couch … i noticed a few tiny little mice turds on the cushions … son of a bitch … ! i took all the cushions off set them aside, got the flashlight to see if the little fuckers had maybe made a nest in there … they hadn’t but i had to vacuum up the tiny little turds … there weren’t that many and it was no big deal but … wull jeeze … little mice turds??…….. i decided to keep moving forward … ! … i needed the dimensions of the starburst mirror to determine shipping costs …  looked for the tape measurer but i couldn’t find it so i went to the computer … (going to the computer is my ‘default’) as soon as a blank space enters my mind i’m pulled to it) ! … i sat there thinking for a minute then, went to the blog site … i read that Little Monster Girl (lmgcomics.com)  said it was ok for me to use her name in the title of the piece i posted … she said she thought it was cool … so, whew … i didn’t want to offend her by assuming i could just use her name … so now i’m stuck sitting here … i decided not to go to Wall Mart to exchange the water purifier and furnace filter until …..

continued …

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle … End …

….. Since no one really cared about Scooter Man or the penis on the sign, I knew the drivers of all those cars were going to start getting pissed at me.
So, I figured it’s time to get the hell out of there.
continued …

Unknown-2

I made eye contact with my laughing friend, felt the common bond of friendship and shared mirth between us, shrugged my shoulders and walked three steps left  toward my car door which was still open.

…..

I slid into the black leather of the Mustang but, before slamming the door, craned my neck and looked back at my friend … her head still visible outside the window, the rear view mirror of her car obscuring the bottom half of her face.

…..

When I had her in my sights, I pointed at the yard sign and … for the last time … yelled, ’’BUT THERE’S A PENIS IN THAT SIGN!’’

…..

I pulled the car door shut, put the Mustang into first gear, looked both ways and slowly let out on the clutch.  A split second before moving through the intersection  I looked into the left side, rear view mirror.

…..

My friend’s head was still

outside of her

window …

She still had that

shit eating grin

on her face but

now

her head bobbed up and down and

up and down and up and down …

Just like one of those

bobble headed

hula girl statues I

remember when I was a

boy

that my grandparents displayed

on the shelving unit that

separated their tiny little

living room

from their

tiny little

kitchen …

The End …..

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle Part VI

… his head and shoulders bounced up and down from giggling laughter, he suddenly turned and an instant later all I saw was his back receding away as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.

Unknown-1

Meanwhile, six or seven cars had lined up behind my friend’s car oblivious to the circumstances at hand, their passengers anxious to move past the stop sign and continue along on their various well worn paths.

I looked at the face of the female half of my friends relationship, her head still outside of the passenger side window.

With a shit eating grin still on her face she yelled,  ‘’So, whaddya been doing with yourself these days!’’ then laughed hysterically, while I stood on the black top with a grin on my face.

Suddenly, I realized I was all alone, my car running without me in it … facing a line of incoming traffic growing longer by the minute. I started to feel their resentment ratchet up.

Like …  even if they knew what was happening because they’d seen Scooter Man trapped under his scotter … they still wouldn’t have known about the penis on the sign … which wouldn’t have made any difference anyway, because the real reason traffic was being held up was, I was totally debilitated by the absurdity of the penis on the sign and my friends were debilitated by the sight of me being debilitated by the penis on the sign.

So … how were all those people  supposed to know that?

Since no one really cared about Scooter Man or the penis on the sign, I knew the drivers of all those cars were going to start getting pissed at me.

So, I figured it’s time to get the hell out of there.

continued …

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle V

… all thoughts of Scooter Guy evaporated.  The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before.  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would Scooter Guy insert a penis between the R and D of his yard sale sign in the first place?

images-6

I pointed at the sign, turned to look at my friend and while looking into his eyes shouted,  ’’But there’s a penis on that sign!  Can’t you see it!”

My friend’s eyes were squinting … his teeth still showed.  While his head and shoulders bounced up and down from laughing, he suddenly turned and an instant later all I saw was his back receding away as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.

continued …

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle IV

I turned my head again to look at the yard sign where I saw Scooter Guy attempting to saddle his scooter having tipped it right side up by himself … 

images-5

One wheel of the scooter rested on the shoulder, the other on the black top of the busy “connector” street I had been stopped at, when I first noticed Scooter Guy fall (becoming trapped beneath his scooter),  where soon he would soon be driving  … against traffic.

(Across the street, a wide gray concrete bike path watched Scooter Guy with cold indifference all the while thinking, ‘’Jeeze, what a dumb ass.”)

When I looked at the sign again, all thoughts of Scooter Guy evaporated.  The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before.  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would Scooter Guy insert a penis between the R and D of his yard sale sign in the first place?

continued ….

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle … II

images copy 38

While Scooter Guy …  tanned and shirtless wearing bermuda shorts and sandals, around 75 years old,  struggled to escape from beneath his scooter I took a moment to weigh my options; would Scooter Guy’s male ego assert itself with resentment if I attempted to help him get up?

When I stared down into Scooter Guy’s glazed eyes I saw no trace of male ego so I said, ’’Jeeze, are you ok?Do you need some help getting up?”

While watching Scooter Guy squirm beneath the weight of his scooter,  I heard a female voice shout my name.

I turned and there sat the female half of the couple I hadn’t seen in a year, her whole head and shoulders extended out of the drivers side window of her car, her face beaming with joy, enjoying the experience of witnessing something totally apart from the circumstances of everyday life.

Not surprisingly, instead of asking about Scooter Guy’s condition (does he look hurt, do you need help lifting the scooter?) she said,  “Can you believe how that guy spelled yard sale?”

I looked over my shoulder at the sign where “yard’’ was spelled ‘’yeard’’ but my first thought was that the R on ‘yeard’ looked like a penis standing tall along side the A and D.

I looked down at Scooter Guy who was struggling.  The misspelling of the word also explained why Scooter Guy’s eyes appeared to be glazed.

Since, the funniest subject in the world is sex and … well, penises are right up there too .. and because Derek and Kathy had appeared … I started getting that giddy feeling, which tells me some crazy shit is about to happen.  Wull … I wasn’t disappointed.

continued …

I Love Sugar I Love Sugar …

… Seconds later I watched them fly over the tops of the trees cawing as they flew away … 

DSC_1060

Shortly after saying good bye to the crows,  I walked through the front door just in time for dinner; tender strips of chicken thighs pounded into cutlets and  a vegetable salad made with these tiny nuts called quinoa.

At one point, while eating, I took a breath to say something and sucked one of the little nuts way back into the sinus regions of my head.  I knew I was going to start retching so I threw both hands over my face and ….. retched!

In between the gagging noises, I heard laughter so I peeked between my hands.  Ellie and Lisa were both laughing pretty hard.  Ellie had thrown her head back.  With her mouth wide open, she was laughing hysterically at the ceiling.

Finally,  I coughed so hard I had to leave the table.  I continued to cough and gag in the bathroom around the corner.

When I returned, they were grinning at me. Hugh’s chin rested on the palm of his hand, index finger curled over his upper lip.  Jodi looked up at me through the tops of her eyes.  It looked like Ellie and Lisa would burst out laughing at any second.

I don’t know what that was all about. I told them the nut I coughed up, was about the size of the kidney stone  I passed earlier that summer.  No one said a word.  I guess they didn’t make the connection.

After the dishes were washed we sat around the table talking about music.  Elli played the music of whatever artists we talked about … the Beatles, Frank Zappa, music from the musical Annie, a little Zepelin and Kaskade.

She danced and everyone was entertained.  But, she wouldn’t let me move my chair so that I could watch her.  I think she thought I might make fun of her even though at one point I showed her how to do The Jerk and The Pony.

After that, we sat around eating platters of homemade chocolate chip cookies.  Lisa kept saying .. I love sugar, I love sugar!

To Pee Is To Be … Oh No! Not Again …

Unknown-1Unknown-2

i’ve been reading these blogs

this person writes

that are pretty inspirational …

…..

and they’re funny … !

they make me laugh … ! 

i mean,

they make me laugh really

hard … !

…..

one time i laughed so

hard i peed my pants … !

…..

i have to be careful about that

sort of thing …

…..

i was at Radio Shack

the other day walking down the

“Used Tube” aisle

when i saw chris rock

on one of their display tv’s …

…..

i laughed so hard

i wet myself …

…..

i asked  the manager if i could use the bathroom

but he said it was for

paying customers

only  .,..

so i had to buy that t.v. i was

telling you about …

…..

too bad …

the blower in the bathroom was broken

so i could’t dry my pants

and

the manager refused to give me

a  refund …

…..

eventually

i had to put my ‘man panties’ on and

walk the walk …

…..

i’m sure that if i would have read

that one post that really 

inspired me  

(… before all of this happened …)

i would have had the inspiration to

turn my head away from

chris rock …

…..

as it was ..

when i tried to put the t.v.

it in the trunk of the mustang

it flipped out of my

arms and

broke ….

The First Marshmallow

Unknown-3

One evening just after sunset I saw a fire at the beach house to cottages  to mine.

I went over to watch the people … two boys, a teen aged sister and their  parents …  who were standing around the fire having a great time laughing and talking.

They knew me so when they saw me standing in the shadows they invited me over to enjoy the fire with them.

So I went to the fire and stood with the boys and watched everyone talk and laugh and pretty soon I found himself laughing along whenever anyone said something funny or acted silly.

After a while I felt like I was almost part of the family.   I relaxed and sat down on a big log  next to the fire.

I looked around at everyone smiling while ripples of orange and black and  gray continually moved across their faces mirroring the flames of the fire.  And the night was cool, because it was early summer, and the fire felt warm, so the goose bumps on my arms disappeared and I felt warm and comfortable.

And the breeze blew through my hair and since I wasn’t cold anymore the cool breeze felt refreshing on my first sunburn of the summer and I heard the waves swish against the shore and when I turned and looked at the lake I saw small white caps briefly sparkle from the firelight then lap against the shoreline.

And I looked up at the sky and I saw so many stars and between the fire and the laughter and the night sky and the swish of  the waves and the white caps and the laughing orange faces on everyone, it seemed the cool breeze wrapped itself around and joined everything together and it all added up to some special new feelings within me.

continued …

Anger … By K.S. Part II

Seriously!  This is not some serious shit!!

images-5

Depending on your level of passion anger can be great creative fuel!

The best way to sublimate anger … other than creating your own personal masterpiece … is through humor!!

If you turn anger into being funny you can deflate its destructive tendencies while creating your personal masterpiece AT THE SAME TIME!

Think what would happen if you took all the bullets away from terrorists, gave them plastic guns and made them believe they were shooting invisible bullets!   Now THAT’S funny!  Isn’t it??

Wull, maybe that’s not a great example.  I can’t imagine a bunch of terrorists running around laughing because of the absurdity of shooting invisible bullets!!!

Eventually you’d probably get shot … or killed!  That wouldn’t be funny but who knows … maybe this is the creative humor that terrorists have!?

The point is … sublimating anger can deflate other anger if you express it creatively!!

The same thing can be said about Truth … oh, and Love.

When I finished writing my comment, I told her … that’s all i have to say otherwise i’ll go on ad nauseum (sp)  … and i don’t want to make myself sick … !!

I thanked her for reading my two blog postings; “The Gray of Darkest Night” and “Life … Knowledge” part II and said good bye.

Thanks for reading this.  ks

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !

– 8 –

if you really care, 
here’s what finally 
happened …
continued …..

images-10

after the laughter died down, 

I played it real 

cool … 

…..

i stretched, like i had just 

finished putting the 

finishing touches on my 

Ph.D. thesis and was 

satisfied with the 

results …  

…..

i stood up … 

(… very nonchalantly of course …)

(being careful not to 

knock over a nearby 

wastepaper 

basket … ) 

and

 walked by  Carol’s 

desk … 

(passing in front of all three of them) 

toward the edge of the 

door

fixated on when

i had

all those thoughts about  

Alexander Graham Bell …  

…..

I dropped my 

paperwork into the 

Inbox, 

(attached to the 

door) … 

 turned around and before anyone could 

say anything

I said, 

‘Hey, I gotta go. 

I left my car 

running …  

have a great day …  ! ‘

…..

‘Oh! and

carol (!) … 

call me if you’ve got 

an assignment for me 

O.K (?) …

i promise i’ll check my 

messages … ’ 

and walked 

away …

…..

before the door closed i 

turned my head and 

looked back 

into the 

office …  

…..

the three of them were 

looking at me with 

smiles on their 

faces …  

jennifer

(the aggressive one)

looked like the 

girl from the 

Exorcist 

the way her 

head  

was twisted 

around …  

…..

i was trying really hard to 

continue being 

nonchalant …  

.…..

i heard the door 

click 

behind me and 

finally (!)

i was 

free … ! 

…..

I pictured myself 

walking away .. 

limping (of course)

because of that 

stupid hip of 

mine …

…..

i wondered if they were 

looking at me through the 

window 

thinking 

what a ‘’Clyde’’ I 

was …  

….. 

*****

to tell you the 

truth …

sometimes Life seems like a 

never ending series of 

funny episodes …   

…..

but

a lot of the 

time 

it’s a  

pain in the ass …  ! 

….. 

*****

the end of this episode was 

pleasing

enough … 

….. 

i was happy to get the 

hell 

out of there 

unscathed …

able to go 

back to my 

car without 

 beating up on 

myself  

(… like i usually do …) 

for doing something really

stupid …

…..

i’m not even sure if 

what happened wasn’t really 

stupid …  !

….. 

but i

 guess as long as they 

all had

smiles 

on their 

faces …

everything

worked out 

just … 

fine … 

Fini … 

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !

– 7-

 

images-9

Just before the cackling started to 

die down I knew the room was 

going to get 

quiet …

….. 

I knew a further comment 

would be 

expected …

…..

i got 

nervous …

…..

i tried to 

think of something to 

say …    

…..

a soft voice inside my 

head kept saying, 

‘’quiet, quiet, 

quiet … ‘’  

…..

 I decided to 

refrain myself and 

shut up for a 

change …

…..

I realized that 

in the 

aftermath

of their 

laughing fit

I  had an 

opportunity to 

get the hell out of there 

unscathed

by any 

criticism for turning in

my paper work 

late 

IF 

I could seize the 

moment without 

saying something stupid

thereby … 

starting the talk cycle 

all over 

again …

….. 

I was in the 

cusp

so to 

speak …

…..

I could have 

disappeared to the 

far side of the

moon

at that point in time 

or

laid flat on the 

surface of a 

full moon

fully exposed for 

all three of them to 

take pot shots

at … 

(whatever in god’s name that means) …

…..

I know you’re probably waiting with 

‘baited breath’ to 

know what happened next 

which… 

I don’t even know what 

‘’baited breath’’ 

means …

…..

does it mean you’re trying to 

catch some part of another 

person in your 

mouth … ?  

…..

does it mean you’re going to 

reel them in with your 

tongue … ?  

…..

baited … ummmmm ..

baited to catch 

what … ?  

…..

the tiny morsels of 

thought that 

escape from my pea 

brain … ?  

…..

Or, maybe baited breath has to do with 

being aware that 

someone might be 

trying to tell you a 

fish story … ?

…..

Well …

I know this is all 

ridiculous …  

…..

but, 

if you really care, 

here’s what finally 

happened …

continued 

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny

– 4 –

maybe I muttered something like, ‘’well, you know how it goes,  blah, blah, blah …. ” when suddenly the woman named Linda … ( … who’s pretty aggressive … ) says   why do you think phones were 

invented … ?!’’  …

continued …

images-2

the first thing I thought was,

what the hell kind of

attitude is this … ?

…..

was she trying to put me on the

spot to

test my

mettle or

something … ?

…..

to tell you the truth I didn’t

really

care what she said

while … 

some little

voice

inside my head 

was saying  

‘ .. fuck you bitch,’

AND

‘uh-oh … this could be

trouble …

all at the same time … !

…..

on top of that … the

 question

intrigued

me …  !  

…..

… it gave me ‘’pause’’ for thought …

…..

i must have said something pretty

funny

after that because …

…..

when I replied to Carol’s

question

the

three of them

burst out 

laughing  … !

…..

Here’s how it happened …

continued ,…

images-6 images-5

The Preacher’s Son

Unknown

The diversion worked!

He must have thought we were

having a friendly discussion about

friuit as he passed through carrying his canvasses

barely glancing before

entering his

so called studio where he

drew and painted …

***

We drove an old two seat Nash Metropolitan stickshift to the

driven in; I think the

Reverend thought that car was

one of a limited number of birth control

devices available at that time; one, being the

‘french safe’ …

as our fathers called them … We called them rubbers, they’re

condoms now.

wull … a horse by any other name,

I guess.

***

The big guys carried them in black

wallets hauled out of back pockets at

opportune times for us to glimpse the

silver dollar O form of the things clearly visible

on the outside of those wallets they

flashed around us when they were sure

we were looking as if they were

trophies on display …

***

We’d say, ‘’Man, he must be getting it all the time,’’ with

shock and awe!

They were real

men, to us.  Macho, you’d say

today,  their illusions

indisputable …

 

 

 

Esoterica

Thrown out shit, ridiculous, almost worthless works combined into one stupid, bullshit and not a LITTLE fricking  brilliant (occasionally, very occasionally) collection; poems, incomplete thoughts and ideas .. very brief stories all told in the most esoteric way.

images-2

ESOTERICA

They lived in one of those big mission style houses with the dormer windows out front.  Just inside the front door you walked up creaky steps, to the second floor where two bedrooms to the right, a short distance down a hallway,  sat next to each other … where death changed my life.  

Downstairs just inside the front door at the end of the hall, the kitchen looked like a lighted rectangular picture with yellow walls, a red melmac table with curved chrome legs and the shadows of moving mothers.  

Halfway down the hallway to the right you entered what we would call the living room where the best birthday party I ever attended, happened.  

We played a boys version of spin the bottle and we dropped clothes pins into milk bottles and we played pin the tail on the donkey and it was all boys and we were very much in tune with what boys do best which is to cavort around, while something has given it’s attention to us, for brief periods of time until whatever it was we were doing became the least bit boring (you wonder why we channel surf?) … when we dropped what we were doing and continued the search.  

On this day, we all channel surfed around the room at a pretty good pace!  

It was fun and we didn’t get bored because games and things carried us along when suddenly … the cake appeared with candles burning and we all stood around watching it get cut, every one of us hoping at the same time, that we would be lucky enough to get the corner piece.  

Within seconds cake was in my hands and I was eating it.  

That party;  one continuous strand of low level activity drawn through a crowd at a very lackadaisical pace, moving forward .. always moving forward.  

So I was familiar with the house downstairs and I may have gone upstairs to go to the bathroom so I was familiar with where it happened upstairs .. beginning to end.  

Behind the Green Door – Two (of Three)

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Scissors and Chair lady both chimed in,  “Nooo … .  It’s in that other door.”  It looked like they were curving their fingers to the left.

“Ohhh …. sorry,” I said as I turned left.

When I opened the left door I saw a sink and to my right, what appeared to be a brown canvas tent around three feet high.   I couldn’t see a toilet or urinal anywhere.

I poked my head around the corner and said, “Is this brown thing some new kind of urinal?”

I heard a chorus of five or six people over to my left,  getting closer to a unified G note.

I looked back at the brown tent then poking just my head around the corner again said,  “Wull .. if that’s not the urinal then, do people come in here so they’ll know what it’s like to sleep out in a tent?”

The laughter began to spread as more people took notice of my stupid commets.

“Noooo,  it’s there!”  Once again, Scissors and Chair Person pointed in my general direction.

I still wasn’t sure where they were pointing.  It HAD to be behind the third door in front of me.  So, after exiting the ‘tent room’ I opened the third door, where I was surprised to find shelves lined with beauty salon products.

“This can’t be!” I thought.  “They don’t know where the bathroom is?   Where do they go if they have to pee?”  (I pictured three or four of them nervously walking around because they couldn’t hold their pee any longer then, a mass exodus to the Highway Holiness Church in the storefront next door.)

“NOOoooo …,”they both chimed in.  “It’s there,” they pointed,  “Around the corner.”

Pause …

“Wull geez you guys, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?”

By now,  the G note had ratcheted up to a pretty good level.  I mumbled my way around the corner and disappeared behind the bathroom door.

Part Three, The End: Wasn’t Her Name Marilyn Chambers?

 

Behind the Green Door – One (of Three)

Unknown

While waiting for my stylist to finish the customer ahead of me, my attention was drawn away from People Magazine because I had to pee.

I rose and walked toward three doors where I thought the bathroom was probably located.  Just to make sure I asked which of the three doors was the bathroom.

The lady in the chair and the one with the scissors (who I will call Scissors Lady and Chair Lady) both pointed straight ahead.  It was unclear which door they pointed to so, I opened the door facing me where I was surprised to see the air conditioning air exchange unit crammed between two narrow walls.

A PVC pipe at the front of the apparatus evoked the memory of a similar PVC pipe on my AC unit at home; the one that needs to be shocked with chlorine occasionally to kill algae that can build up and stop condensed waste water from flowing outside, away from the condenser unit, where it’s supposed to go.

Since my attention was focused on that pipe i said, loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear, “Am I supposed to pee into that little pipe?” I heard some chatter to my left … the familiar sound of the G Note ratcheting up.

Scissors and Chair lady both chimed in,  “Nooo … .  It’s in that other door.”  It looked like they were curving their fingers to the left.

“Ohhh …. sorry,” I said as I turned left.

 Next: The Door to the Left

Central Time, Bible Bread, Crows, Midday Sun, Retching Orzo, Laughter and More …..

images copy 42

I worked from six thirty eastern time (Tennessee is in the Central Time Zone) until around eleven o’clock.  Then I showered and rested until around noon.

After resting I drank a cup of coffee and talked to Hugh about computers.  Elli came into the kitchen to make sandwiches.  Hugh asked if I liked avocados.  I said yes but wasn’t prepared for the fabulous sandwich she made: swiss cheese with sliced avocado, mayo and mustard on that thick dark bread made from a recipe they found in the Bible.  Unique … like nothing I’d eaten before.  Strong muenster cheese made in Israel.  Very tasty.  Then I went back to work.

DSC_1042I finished the back of the house, took another shower and laid down for a half hour or so.  Then, I grabbed my camera and walked a quarter of a mile or so along the curving country road in front of their house taking pictures of the incredibly beautiful rolling countryside, surrounding Thompson Station Tennessee, thick with trees and pasture land.  The air, clear and clean and calm felt cool against the overworked skin on my face and neck and arms.  You could see a speck of pollen pass before your eyes if you stopped and waited long enough.

The rolling land and trees seemed to glow much like pictures of Tuscany that I have seen where sunlight has a magical quality … and so it was there …..

On the way back I approached an area where a noisy group of crows were having an argument in the thick vegetation near the side of the road left of where I walked.  They were fun to listen to … like listening to a bunch of guys argue about which NFL team would win the Super Bowl but, you could’t understand a word they said.  I couldn’t understand what the crows were arguing about either but I understood their sentiments.

DSC_1059I didn’t want to interfere with their angry exchanges.  I thought that if I surprised them, they might attack me.  Seriously!  So, I  crossed to the other side of the road.  After a few steps I think they sensed my presence and stopped “hollering” at each other.   Maybe they suddenly realized that, because of their incessant squawking they may have allowed a human to get too close to them.

After they quieted down I made caw, cawing sounds and laughed at them, as if to make fun of their squabbling and fighting.  A few steps later I hurled a couple of epithets at them for being so rude and stupid then laughed at them again.  Stupid crows!  Seconds later I watched them fly over the tops of the trees cawing as they flew away.

Shortly after that,  I walked through the front door just in time for dinner; tender strips of chicken thighs pounded into cutlets and  a vegetable salad made with small nuts the consistency of ‘orzo’.

At one point, when I took a breath to talk, I sucked one of the little nuts back into the sinus region of my head. I knew I was going to start retching so I threw my hands over my face and ….. retched!  (and retched and retched) I heard Elli and her mom … Lisa … laughing hysterically.  I peeked through my hands and saw Elli with her head back laughing.  Finally,  I coughed so hard I had to leave the table.

When I came back from the bathroom I told everyone that the nut I coughed up was as big as the  kidney stone  I had passed a couple of months ago.  The four of them were still laughing pretty hard.  I don’t know why.

After the dishes were cleared and stored away, we talked about music.  Elli left the table and, played the music of whatever artists we talked about … the Beatles, Frank Sinatra, music from the musical Annie.  (no Zeppelin, Cream or drum and bass)

Elli danced and everyone was entertained but she wouldn’t let me watch her.  I think she thought that because I had been funny,  I might make fun of her even though at one point I got up and showed her how to do The Jerk and The Pony.

After that, we sat around eating platters of homemade chocolate chip cookies.  Lisa kept saying .. I love sugar, I love sugar …  L

The Cathy and Derek Chronological Ending – III

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I turned my head again to look at the yard sign where I saw Scooter Guy attempting to saddle his scooter having tipped it right side up all by himself … 

One wheel of the scooter rested on the shoulder, the other on the black top of a much busier “through” street, ninety degrees left of the street he was on, where he’d soon be driving his scooter against traffic.

(Across the street, a wide concrete bike path watched Scooter Guy with cold indifference all the while thinking, ‘’Jesus, what a dumb shit.”)

When I looked back again at the sign all thoughts of Scooter Guy evaporated.  The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before.  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would Scooter Guy insert a penis between the R and D of his yard sale sign?

I pointed at the sign, turned to look at my friend and while looking into his eyes shouted,  ’’But there’s a penis on that sign!  Can’t you see it!”

My friend’s eyes were squinting … his teeth still showed.  While his head and shoulders bounced up and down from giggling laughter, he suddenly turned and an instant later all I saw was his back receding away as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.

Meanwhile, six or seven cars had lined up behind my friend’s car oblivious to the circumstances at hand, their passengers anxious to move past the stop sign and continue along on their various well worn paths.

I looked at the face of the female half of my friends relationship, her head still outside of the passenger side window.   With that shit eating grin still on her face she yelled,  ‘’So, whaddya been doing with yourself these days!’’ then laughed hysterically, while I stood on the black top with a grin on my face.

Suddenly, standing in the left lane all by myself facing a line of incoming traffic growing longer by the minute, I felt embarrassed.

I made eye contact with my laughing friend, felt the common bond of friendship and shared mirth between us, shrugged my shoulders and walked three steps to the left  toward my car door which was still open.

I slid into the black leather of the Mustang but, before slamming the door, craned my neck to look back at my friend … her head still visible outside the window, the rear view mirror obscuring  the bottom half of her face.

When I had her in my sights, I pointed and yelled. ’’BUT THERE’S A PENIS IN THAT SIGN!’’

I slammed the car door, put the Mustang into first gear, looked both ways and slowly let out on the clutch.  A split second before moving through the intersection  I looked into the left side, outside, rear view mirror.

My friend’s head was still outside of her window.  She still had that shit eating grin on her face but now her head bobbed up and down and up and down and up and down … like one of those bobble headed hula girl statues I remembered (from when I was a boy), that my grandparents displayed on the shelving unit that separated their tiny little living room from their tiny little kitchen.