G-Note Decrescendo, Finale, Bump Note

Continued.  I finally realized I didn’t know WHY the telephone was invented.  I stared straight ahead at nothing.  With a pleading look on my face I said,  ‘’Beats the shit out of me.”   When I uttered those words, all my senses shut down except my hearing.  All I remember is a wall of sound washing overContinue reading “G-Note Decrescendo, Finale, Bump Note”

The Same Strange World

And so, he did. .. (go back to his room.) He loved the absurdity of these kinds of situations; the startled first time behavior and the look of surprise, like a kid finding an agate in the sand excitement, wide eyed, incredibly amused at the absurdity, a brief return to childhood wonder, the disappearance ofContinue reading “The Same Strange World”

A Day In the Life III

continued  …  So i grabbed the shop vac went into the bathroom and and sucked it up … While I was sucking I noticed how lousy the baseboards looked so I decided I’d tape them off and paint them … BUT NOT TODAY .. !  I had enough on my platter!  (and the list was growing …Continue reading “A Day In the Life III”

ZUMBA MY ASS!

Once again he was saddened by the thought that, “She never thinks i’m funny!“ Most of the things HE thought were funny, SHE thought were either stupid or sexually degenerate. She hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the English language! And she didn’t think sex was funny which he thought was even funnier than the wordContinue reading “ZUMBA MY ASS!”

Nick and Jessica Ask: Why Was the Telephone Invented? Was I Because Of the G Spot?

Here’s a funny one that happened at the office the other day,  Jessica.. Lay it on me Nick.  Oops!  Did that come out wrong? I think you said, ”Lay on me?” He he he … !  Shut up Nick .  Maybe I did but … tell the frickin’ story will you?  (Nick and Jessica smile atContinue reading “Nick and Jessica Ask: Why Was the Telephone Invented? Was I Because Of the G Spot?”

The Bean Soup Chronicles: For LMG. (You Know Who You Are …)

12:18 p.m. Wednesday Hey!  I did something I’ve never done before.  I bought a package of those navy beans with the little packet of seasoning.  I’m going to make bean soup!  I’m soaking the beans overnight as we speak. Wull … But I had a helluva time finding a ham hock at Wal Mart soContinue reading “The Bean Soup Chronicles: For LMG. (You Know Who You Are …)”

Nick and Jessica Discuss College Level Sex Education

Another look at Nick and Jessica sparring about their favorite subject.  Sex!  Sex and laughing!  “Wull, they’re almost the same aren’t they,” says Nick.  Must be so.  It looked like they both were having orgasms a while ago even though they were laughing.  You be the judge .. O.K. so, let me get this straight.Continue reading “Nick and Jessica Discuss College Level Sex Education”

Reflections

One day, two and a half weeks after the swelling in my knee had lessened I found myself looking through the six foot wide slider opening to our pool area /at the hundred degree world outside/wondering what to do with my time.   I remembered a phrase I’d heard long ago/on the hottest days of summer/when I worked outdoors forContinue reading “Reflections”

Kathy and Derek: The Possibility of Road Rage

Suddenly I realized I was alone standing in the middle of the left lane, the Mustang running with the door open. I knew that the drivers behind Kathy and Derek were oblivious of the circumstances anxious to move past the Stop sign to continue along their well worn paths.   Like …  even if theyContinue reading “Kathy and Derek: The Possibility of Road Rage”

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: “There’s A Penis On That Sign Can’t You See It?”

Once again, I turned to look at the yard sign.  But, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Scooter Guy who was attempting to mount and drive the scooter away from where he had fallen.   One wheel of the scooter rested on the black top of the street where I waited at the Stop sign.Continue reading “The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: “There’s A Penis On That Sign Can’t You See It?””

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: Part II

While Scooter Guy … tanned and shirtless wearing Bermuda shorts and sandals, around 75 years old … struggled to escape from beneath his scooter I took a moment to weigh my options; would Scooter Guy’s male ego assert itself with resentment if I attempted to help him get up? When I stared down into ScooterContinue reading “The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: Part II”

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle Part I: It Was So Much Fun the First Time, Why Not?

I hadn’t seen Kathy and Derek for a long time. I like them because they are the kind of people who like me,  think ”stupid is funny.” In other words, they don’t mind letting … or even making … everyday experiences become ridiculous.  Life can be pretty entertaining when stupid stuff happens all the time. This story isContinue reading “The Kathy and Derek Chronicle Part I: It Was So Much Fun the First Time, Why Not?”

Mack, I’ll Take the Knife

Dr.! Dr.!  Make no bones about it!  I know the tune you’re singing! The knife is a whole lot better than a lifetime of toil, carrying my body from place to place! It’s more like a full time job! What fun is that?? It’s time well wasted if you ask me! Weren’t we humans givenContinue reading “Mack, I’ll Take the Knife”

The Case of the Missing Furniture

Chapter I Thursday morning I think I awoke from what I thought was a dream/doors banging shut echoed throughout the house/the four walls devoid of shadows looked strange and naked; the outlets seemed bored without their plugs. I knocked on every door and looked inside. Nothing! Was it a dream?   Chapter 2 I drank my coffee on theContinue reading “The Case of the Missing Furniture”

Nick and Jessica: The Birth of Jessica’s Sarcasm

… I guess it’s a little like remembering  my fight with that dick head Rob Steiner. What’s that got to do with anything?   I don’t know.  I forgot what we were talking about for a second when you said, “boom’’ and Rob Steiner popped into my head. Jessica is smiling at Nick, the corners ofContinue reading “Nick and Jessica: The Birth of Jessica’s Sarcasm”

They’re Back! The Nick and Jessica Chronicles

Hey Nick!  We’re going back to the ”Mall Planet”  aren’t we?  Yup …  soooo, ok.   Where were we … ? continued …                                                Another Chapter Jessica Visits Carlos Castenada While Ripping ApartContinue reading “They’re Back! The Nick and Jessica Chronicles”

If Stupid Is Funny Then Donald Trump Is A ……….. ck!

So anyway … .  Before my doctor’s appointment I was listening to Terry Gross interview the cartoon editor from New York magazine.  When Terry asked what role embarrassment plays in humor, my ears pricked up.   His answer was a life changer! “Embarrassment is the mothers milk of humor,”  he said.  Wow! Suddenly I felt liberated.Continue reading “If Stupid Is Funny Then Donald Trump Is A ……….. ck!”

The Humor of Orthopedia

The Humor of Orthoipedia So … yesterday I had a one o’clock appointment with my orthopedic person to have my head …er .. knee examined.  (I’m not a bone head fer cryin’ out loud! I have an orthopedic neurologist for that!)  . An older guy, probably my age was waiting with a dog on his lap.Continue reading “The Humor of Orthopedia”

I Laughed So Hard I Cracked Up All Over Again III

… Later she told me she didn’t want me to be all alone when I got busted for rolling around on the floor making an ass out of myself.  “After all,” she said, “it was my fault.” She pretended to fall while bending down to help me stand up landing across my legs.  Later she’d say, “But I was only trying toContinue reading “I Laughed So Hard I Cracked Up All Over Again III”

(yes I’m back … ) Going Out With A Bang: There WAS Blood

“You son of a bitch,’’ I heard Bethany yell as her new coronet arched through the air. The mouthpiece cracked against first chair baritone player Greg Hay’s forehead which started bleeding at about the same instant Bethany’s cornet hit the floor.   continued …  Greg slapped the palm of his hand against his forehead thenContinue reading “(yes I’m back … ) Going Out With A Bang: There WAS Blood”

Going Out With A Bang; There Will Be Blood

Howling with pain Ron attempted to stand up but the forward momentum of his tuba (sousaphone) caused him to slip off the end of his chair and land on both knees while at the same time the bell of his tuba barely missed dropping over the top of first chair trumpet player Tommy Cooper’s head.  What a  funny sightContinue reading “Going Out With A Bang; There Will Be Blood”

Going Out With A Bang!!

A couple of weeks had gone by without any problems between Green  and me. But then, one ordinary day on the way back to the percussion section I noticed an anvil perched on a flimsy looking table against the back wall.  “What the hell is that for?’’ i asked Ron, the second chair drummer. He toldContinue reading “Going Out With A Bang!!”

Green Day: Going Out With A Bang

One day, James Brown singing “Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag” kept running through my head so naturally I played along with it. I thought everything was o.k.  But then, all of the sudden things weren’t. continued … Oddly enough the incident that brought about my demise was not the result of something I had done.  It was because another percussionistContinue reading “Green Day: Going Out With A Bang”

Green Day: My Descent To Band Outcast, II

When I wasn’t slamming my sticks against my leg practicing drum rudiments like paradiddles, flams, radamacues and the like,  I played along with Motown or rock songs that constantly flowed through my brain …  Inevitably  one of my flailing sticks would tap against a music stand or a cymbal or worse, fall to the wooden floor bouncing from tip to endContinue reading “Green Day: My Descent To Band Outcast, II”

I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … 4? or is it 5?

– 5 – Here’s how it happened … When Carol,  (the aggressive one) said,  ‘’Why do you think phones were invented … ?’’  I looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office … on the other side of Carol’s desk … into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the  window on the far wall …  I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot …  i staredContinue reading “I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … 4? or is it 5?”

Screw the Studs !!

Over all i think i’m in pretty good shape … …..  as soon as i can  i’ll screw in those studs then water proof and insulate the headers and plates … where those damned termites have infested me for weeks …. ! ….. DAMN ! …..  i hate it when that happens … ! ….. but, i’m hopeful … !Continue reading “Screw the Studs !!”

Zumba My Ass … !

Once again he was saddened by the thought that, “She never thinks i’m funny … !“ … most of the things HE thought were funny … SHE thought were either  stupid  or sexually degenerate … she hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the english language … ! ….. … and she didn’t think sexContinue reading “Zumba My Ass … !”

Where’s My Passport … ? Look Under the Underwear You Idiot … !

I was conflicted … should i return the money or go on a spending spree … ? ….. i could have gone to Brazil or Paraguay or even Chechnia but … i couldn’t find my passport … ! ….. i looked all over the place … ! ….. i got so tired of looking i saidContinue reading “Where’s My Passport … ? Look Under the Underwear You Idiot … !”

London Broil IV – Redux – End

continued …  “she’ll just have to eat her goddamned popcorn with butter tonight  … !  he wondered if she’d know the difference … but, he knew better … ) When he got back home she was fast asleep in bed … ….. hmmmmm, he thought …  ….. he figured, since the next day was saturday  (… and she’d be sleeping in … )  he’d leave early for his appointment at  Peter’sContinue reading “London Broil IV – Redux – End”

It All Happened That Night V … End

4 We got home around nine thirty. She was angry and wouldn’t speak to me. “You knew all along didn’t you!” she said … “Well kind of.  But i was hoping.” Pause … “Well, you know how it is!” But she didn’t believe me! To make matters worse, the pilot light had blown out and we didn’t have any god forsaken matches!  The ones we had were wet!! Then sheContinue reading “It All Happened That Night V … End”

It All Happened That Night IV

“truth of the matter is …” she said, ” i wasn’t paying attention to a word you said … !”  i had other things on my mind … ”  continued ….. Then she says, “Why don’t we go inside where the  fireplace is and have a brandy?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Why not? Maybe we could have a steak afterward.” She said the food at theContinue reading “It All Happened That Night IV”

It All Happened That Night III

I told her I wasn’t really trying to be rude which didn’t seem to satisfy her at all so i said it again, hoping she’d understand! But she didn’t. She got mad as hell! “I hate that Dick … !!” she said.  “He’s so goddamn irresponsible!” I noticed she was looking over my shoulder at the bright lights of the lodge. I could see that glint she gets inContinue reading “It All Happened That Night III”

It All Started That Night

It was a cold night! I mean, it was cold as hell! It felt like there was ice between my jacket and my shirt!  She had that mink thing on but it only covered her neck!  We stood outside waiting for about a half hour! Finally i said, ‘’Where in the hell are Dick and Jeannie?“  She got that quizzical look on her face!  “UH-OH,”I thought.  “HereContinue reading “It All Started That Night”

It All Happened That Night … A Re-post

It all started that night when I wasn’t sure what she was asking me … ! At first i thought it had something to do with skiing! Truth of the matter is … I didn’t know WHAT she was thinking but I didn’t want to say anything. I thought, that maybe we were supposed to be meeting DickContinue reading “It All Happened That Night … A Re-post”

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle … End …

….. Since no one really cared about Scooter Man or the penis on the sign, I knew the drivers of all those cars were going to start getting pissed at me. So, I figured it’s time to get the hell out of there. continued … I made eye contact with my laughing friend, felt the commonContinue reading “The Kathy and Derek Chronicle … End …”

The Kathy and Derek Chronicle Part I

I hadn’t seen my married friends for quite a while. I like them because they aren’t afraid to laugh at ridiculously stupid experiences. Since they and I both think that, ”stupid is funny,” we don’t mind letting … or even making … everyday experiences become stupid.  Life can be pretty entertaining when stupid stuff happensContinue reading “The Kathy and Derek Chronicle Part I”