The Agony and the Ecstasy II

 

 

 

continued …. “Gosh,” I realized.  “Despite the fact that she doesn’t have an enlarged prostate gland and I’ve never had the urge to commit murder we have a lot in common!”

Creative Genius

I compared and contrasted the motivations of the diaper clad, crazed astronaut with the agony I feel when I have to pee while speeding along the interstate at 85 mph trying to get from point A to point B without getting killed, put it all into a neat little package, mulled it over in my head for a couple weeks, discussed the situation with Jodi and made a decision.  

“Yes!” I thought.  Being an adventurous type I declared, “I’ll wear the damn Dependz and be a better person for it!  I’ll be a super hero .  I’ll be …  Dependz Man!”

Look, I don’t feel embarrassed about “coming out of the closet” as a diaper clad older dude because of the solid reasoning behind my decision.  And, like I’ve always said, “form follows function,” or to put another way if it’s not fixed don’t break it again.”  

I Have Choices! 

I mean, I DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS!  I’m not a doddering old incontinent fool Goshdarnit!  On the contrary I’m thinking about changing my name to Benjamin Button!  

Seriously, other than an abundance of titanium and ceramics at various ball and socket joint locations throughout my body I have no organ miscreants within me at all.

All systems are running smoothly.  Everything is a GO.  A-OK.  With the exception of …my bladder.  

continued …

Flip the Bird

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Flip the Bird

I was driving south on U.S. 41 in the middle lane around five thirty, hungry as hell, anxious to get home but not looking forward to another microwave chicken pot pie (I hate to cook when i have to eat by myself) when I spotted my favorite Italian restaurant so I thought, why not have Italian tonight?

When I veered out of the middle lane a whole series of sights and sounds followed; the deafening blast of a diesel horn, the sight of rubber flapping behind four huge spinning tires, the blaring horn of a car growing louder as bright blue LED lights filled the passenger side window, followed by the sight of a boy riding a bicycle veering off the side of the road flashing me the bird while disappearing down a steep embankment.

As my tires dropped onto the gravel parking lot I glanced to the right just as the boy and his bicycle disappeared into the thick growth of cat tails at the bottom of the swale.

I looked up just in time to avoid side swiping a black Mustang. The owner, his body extended half way out of the car window his lip curled into a snear, his face not 18 inches from mine shouting, “Why don’t you learn how to drive you dumb fuck!” looked like he wanted to kick my ass.

I cut the wheel avoiding the back panel by about six inches, kept my eye on the rear view mirror to see if the guy would get out of his car while at the same time wondering if I had enough room to hang a U turn and get the hell out of there when I remembered a GT emblem on the front of his car and realized it would be impossible to outrun the guy.

When I heard the rumble of the GT’s 425 horses I looked back just in time to see a cloud of rocks, pebbles and stones shot like grapeshot from beneath the Mustang’s spinning tires against the passenger side and back window of the Aztec.

The guy fish tailed out of the parking lot, hit the concrete, squealed his tires for about 100 yards, his middle finger visible above the roof line before veering into the maze of traffic.

Safely inside the restaurant I was finally able to place my order but decided to ‘take out’ since i was pretty shook up.

Back home I flipped on Orphan Black, sat down to eat then got so freeking pissed off I completely lost my appetite!

Dammit!  This was the second time in a year they forgot to put extra pepperoni on my Domino’s Pizza!