The Big Fugator From the Black Canal

They warned me about that alligator they’d seen in the canal out back. I scoffed at their advice.

“But I need to weed whack along the shoreline,” I said.

Later, when I turned around to whack weeds between the banana trees I felt a tug then, sharp pain.

Looking down I saw teeth clamped around my ankle.

The last thing I remember was water forced into my nostrils and a sense of hopelessness.

I woke from my nap on the hammock sputtering, thinking I was drowning! Then I realized I had poured an entire bottle of Fuji water onto my face most of it having drained into my nose.

Hacking violently, I looked down at the canal where I saw two giant marbles slightly smaller than tennis balls floating on the surface.

When a warty snout began moving up the bank I knew I had come face to face with an alligator! A big fugator!

I looked for a limb to throw at the big fucker when the hammock flipped. I was trapped! Wrapped up in canvas like an ear of corn!!

I swayed like a pendulum before coming to rest, my head 12 inches above ground, arms clenched against my body, the Fuji bottle pressed against my crotch, watching the Gator creep up the bank, feeling totally helpless.

Between howls of laughter I heard, “Would some cheese and crackers improve your standard of living?”

Her appearance startled the gator. Quick as a lick it slid into the water; white froth and small whirlpools the only evidence it existed.

She thought turtles made the froth.

Once again she warned me about the gator.

A half hour later, free from the hammock’s grip I ate two crackers with cheese and threw up.

The Creature From the Black Canal

They warned me about the alligator floating around the canal in back of the house. I scoffed at their advice.

I needed to whack the weeds on the bank leading down to the canal. I waited until the sun dropped below the tree line to start the job. Who wants to whack weeds in ninety nine degree heat?

 

At the shoreline I turned away from the water to get the weeds under the banana tree when I felt a tug on my leg then, sharp pain!

I looked down. My leg was between its teeth! The last thing I remember was water being forced into my nostrils and a sense of hopelessness.

I woke up sputtering!! I thought I was drowning! Then I realized I had poured an entire bottle of Fuji water onto my face most of it having drained into my nose.

While coughing violently, I happened to look down at the canal where I saw two giant marbles a little smaller than tennis balls floating on the surface.

When a paddle shaped, warty snout with two puncture holes at the end and what appeared to be thousands of teeth (although there could have been more) began to rise out of the water, I knew I had come face to face with a big alligator! A big fugator!

Still coughing violently I scanned the area for a limb to throw at the big fucker when the hammock I’d been sleeping on flipped me!

The canvas had wrapped itself around me. I was trapped like an ear of corn!!

I swayed like a pendulum for around 30 seconds before coming to rest my head 12 inches or so above ground.  I stared down at the Gator, my world turned completely upside down, my arms clasped along both sides of my body feeling totally helpless.

What made matters worse was, the Fuji bottle had lodged itself below my waist at a very bad place which was causing me a lot of pain!

The gator took two steps onto land its beakey snout with all those teeth leading the way.

The reticular area of my brain was thoroughly confused. Since fight or flight was not an option I struggled.

“Would you like some cheeze and crackers?” she said.

Her appearence or the sound of her voice startled the gator. Quick as a slippery bean pole on the Fourth of July the only things left to see were white water froth, little whirl pools and eddies and the yaw of its rounded beak and those teeth (!)slinking down below the inky surface of that canal.

She didn’t look down quickly enough to see its teeth before they disappeared. She thought the movement of the water was caused by turtles. She warned me again about the gator.

A half hour later, finally free from the clutches of the hammock I ate two cracker and cheezes and threw up.