Tales From A Midcentury Boy / Growing Up in Michigan

Tag: absurdity

  • Zumba My Ass Once Again?
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    Zumba My Ass Once Again?

    Zumba My Ass Once again he was saddened by the thought that, “She never thinks i’m funny!“ Most of the things HE thought were funny, SHE thought were either stupid or sexually degenerate. She hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the English language! And she didn’t think sex was funny which he thought was even funnier […]

  • A Night At the Lodge
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    A Night At the Lodge

    It all started that night when I wasn’t sure what she was asking me! At first I thought it had something to do with skiing! Truth of the matter is I didn’t know WHAT she was thinking but I didn’t want to make waves. I thought that maybe we were supposed to be meeting Dick and Jeannie for […]

  • The Spinning Wheel
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    The Spinning Wheel

    The Spinning Wheel  … or i might come up here and find white and dazzling, diamonds, chicken legs, easter eggs on the inland waterway, sparking gems off cleavage water, trillions of carats for hugs and why not? Dazzling iridescent half life ur-anal-ium lives within the bones where dry spirit resides, where clothes fit right and everything flows down […]

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    Oops! Sorry! We’ll Do The World Series After I Tell This Tale of Horror …

    It was like a scene from a cheap horror movie except … it was real! I wasn’t dreaming! At least I didn’t think I was … it was THAT REAL! End: Prologue continuing … Cuspy It all started around five thirty you know, at the ‘cuspy’ time of day. (Now i know why they call it the […]

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    Kathy and Derek: The Possibility of Road Rage

    Suddenly I realized I was alone standing in the middle of the left lane, the Mustang running with the door open. I knew that the drivers behind Kathy and Derek were oblivious of the circumstances anxious to move past the Stop sign to continue along their well worn paths.   Like …  even if they […]

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    The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: “There’s A Penis On That Sign Can’t You See It?”

    Once again, I turned to look at the yard sign.  But, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Scooter Guy who was attempting to mount and drive the scooter away from where he had fallen.   One wheel of the scooter rested on the black top of the street where I waited at the Stop sign. […]

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    The Kathy and Derek Chronicle III: The Penis In ‘Yard Sale’ Seems To Be Getting Larger!

    When I turned to remark about the penis in ‘’yeard’’ sale, the male half of my two friends Derek, a giant of a man, six feet four at least, his bald head shining in the afternoon sun, his front teeth showing from behind lips stretched back into a wide grin, loomed  larger and larger within my field of […]

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    The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: Part II

    While Scooter Guy … tanned and shirtless wearing Bermuda shorts and sandals, around 75 years old … struggled to escape from beneath his scooter I took a moment to weigh my options; would Scooter Guy’s male ego assert itself with resentment if I attempted to help him get up? When I stared down into Scooter […]

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    Mack, I’ll Take the Knife

    Dr.! Dr.!  Make no bones about it!  I know the tune you’re singing! The knife is a whole lot better than a lifetime of toil, carrying my body from place to place! It’s more like a full time job! What fun is that?? It’s time well wasted if you ask me! Weren’t we humans given […]

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    Hogtied In Cincinatti (part 1 of The Mouse Who Thought He Gave Could Fly)

    Shortly before we closed the cottage for the winter the washing machine ‘gave up the ghost’. There wasn’t enough time to call the local repair guy so I moved it to the back deck, threw a blue tarp over it, tossed a vintage aluminum chaise lounge on top of the tarp and cinched everything together […]

  • Parental Guidance Suggested
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    Parental Guidance Suggested

    Will the IRS keep the money and apply the $140 to the balance owed? No? Shit! I was gonna go out for a Bloomin’Onion! Well, good! I don’t like Bloomin’Onions anyway! And wull, come to think of it, f–k them and f–k the ship they came as passengers on! I can do without the so […]

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    They’re Back! The Nick and Jessica Chronicles

    Hey Nick!  We’re going back to the ”Mall Planet”  aren’t we?  Yup …  soooo, ok.   Where were we … ? continued …                                                Another Chapter Jessica Visits Carlos Castenada While Ripping Apart […]

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    The Humor of Orthopedia

    The Humor of Orthoipedia So … yesterday I had a one o’clock appointment with my orthopedic person to have my head …er .. knee examined.  (I’m not a bone head fer cryin’ out loud! I have an orthopedic neurologist for that!)  . An older guy, probably my age was waiting with a dog on his lap. […]

  • Overheard At the Mall One Day: Funny Shoes, Miles of Smiles, Craftsman Skill Saws, She Cracks Him Up .. The End

    Was the Harley guy good looking too. Whoops, I hate those pony tails on grown men. Suddenly you realize the world is back to normal. People are walking by. You’re standing with this guy having a friendly conversation. The guy reaches over, touches your arm and says, ‘’You have a nice face.” You’re caught off guard […]

  • Overheard At the Mall One Day: Harley Davidsons, Pigtails and Broken High Heeled Sh ….

    continued … Cool!  I’m an astronaut on the Planet Mall, right?   The guy picks up the broken shoe, looks up at the Harley guy and says, ‘’Did you say you wanted to try these on?’’  The Harley guy shakes his head.  He walks away smiling. Obviously a man of few words.   There’s a nice […]

  • Overheard At the Mall One Day In Front of Starbucks … continued …

    continued … The guy gets a big kick out of himself doesn’t he?  Let’s just say this guy loves it when the ordinary world turns upside down. Pause … So what happens next? Suddenly time stops. It seems like no one is paying attention anymore.  People are like blurs or streaks of color passing by.  That half of your world […]

  • Overheard Recently II

    The big guy with a Harley t-shirt is standing there wondering what to do. The shoe box is open and the little piece of tissue paper is lying there. I don’t want something like that to happen to me …  …. So, here’s what happens next. The guy you bumped into … he’s on all […]

  • Going Out With A Bang: There Were Pink Panties (Revised)

    A split second before Green leaped off the podium to come after me, a white dot appeared.  The dot kept getting larger.  When it streaked past, not six inches from my face, I realized he had thrown his baton at me! Strange as it seems, I pictured myself wearing a black patch over my left […]

  • Going Out With A Bang: There Were Pink Panties and “Nether Regions”

    …  she leaned forward pushing her butt off the chair extending her arm as far as she could … her head seemed to disappear between her knees.   A white dot appeared before my eyes as Green leaped off the podium.  When it streaked past, not six inches from my left eye, I realized he […]

  • (yes I’m back … ) Going Out With A Bang: There WAS Blood

    “You son of a bitch,’’ I heard Bethany yell as her new coronet arched through the air. The mouthpiece cracked against first chair baritone player Greg Hay’s forehead which started bleeding at about the same instant Bethany’s cornet hit the floor.   continued …  Greg slapped the palm of his hand against his forehead then […]

  • Going Out With A Bang; There Will Be Blood

    Howling with pain Ron attempted to stand up but the forward momentum of his tuba (sousaphone) caused him to slip off the end of his chair and land on both knees while at the same time the bell of his tuba barely missed dropping over the top of first chair trumpet player Tommy Cooper’s head.  What a  funny sight […]

  • Sight I

     … or i might come up here and find white and dazzling, diamonds, chicken legs, easter eggs on the inland waterway, diamonds sparkling off cleavage water, trillions of carats for hugs.  and why not? dazzling iridescent half life ur-anal-ium lives within the bones where dry spirit resides, where clothes fit right and everything flows down hill and grows big and horney […]

  • Diary Of A Madman 2 1/2

    Do you have agoraphobia sometimes? I do.  But not today.  I was in the city.  I didn’t have to be afraid of any agriculture while i was there.  Are you afraid of agriculture?? I stay inside my house for weeks at a time.  The corn field out back terrifies me.  Jeeze, I’m so sleepy. I […]

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    SOLSTICE DAYS I THINK SOLSTICE DAYS SUCH AS OURS … RELATE TO YOUNGER MINDS IN GENERAL,  THEIR MOVEMENTS SO FREE … UNANNOUNCED THEY’RE THE PERFECT HOUSE GUESTS IN OUR WORLD … AN END RESULT  .. ******* LET’S FACE IT … THE WORLD’S A BETTER PLACE FOR THEM TO CO-MINGLE ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE SOULS WHO MOVE THEIR SADNESS IN SEARCH […]

  • I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … (is it 6 or 7? oh! … sorry!)

    – 6 – … when that wall of sound washed over me me it  knocked my head straight back …  don’t they call that the G note,  or something like that … ?  (that’s not me …)  what’s funny is …  I wasn’t even trying to be   funny … !  …..  it was one of those moments when i found myself  unconsciously being completely  honest … ! almost like I was […]

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    I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … 4? or is it 5?

    – 5 – Here’s how it happened … When Carol,  (the aggressive one) said,  ‘’Why do you think phones were invented … ?’’  I looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office … on the other side of Carol’s desk … into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the  window on the far wall …  I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot …  i stared […]

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    I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny .. 3

    – 3 – if I had the balls to say ” … hey, i’ve gotta go, i left my car running … “i’d probably be just as capable of saying, ” … hey, i gotta go, I’ll see you guys  later … ”  continued …   so anyway, the first thing I did when I  got into the office was  get stuff out of my message  […]

  • Shot In The Face! Ending …

    The Coke shot out of the bottle like a liquid bullet hitting me square in the face.  It shot up my nose and dripped down the back of my throat so quickly I didn’t have time to think!  I felt Coke spray hitting all parts of my body like it was being spit out of a clogged […]

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    Zumba My Ass – Part II

    continued … ‘’call 911 yourself you clumsy idiot … it’s all your fault … !  ’’ she said  he had to fish the phone out of his back pocket … (which isn’t an easy task when you’re lying on the floor with a broken shoulder)  … but the battery was dead … ! ….. a moment  later she came back into the […]

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    Zumba My Ass … !

    Once again he was saddened by the thought that, “She never thinks i’m funny … !“ … most of the things HE thought were funny … SHE thought were either  stupid  or sexually degenerate … she hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the english language … ! ….. … and she didn’t think sex […]

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    Where’s My Passport … ? Look Under the Underwear You Idiot … !

    I was conflicted … should i return the money or go on a spending spree … ? ….. i could have gone to Brazil or Paraguay or even Chechnia but … i couldn’t find my passport … ! ….. i looked all over the place … ! ….. i got so tired of looking i said […]

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    London Broil IV – Redux – End

    continued …  “she’ll just have to eat her goddamned popcorn with butter tonight  … !  he wondered if she’d know the difference … but, he knew better … ) When he got back home she was fast asleep in bed … ….. hmmmmm, he thought …  ….. he figured, since the next day was saturday  (… and she’d be sleeping in … )  he’d leave early for his appointment at  Peter’s […]

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    London Broil – Redux – Part III

    continued … when he doubled over she called him a doofey unemployed jake ass ….. he laughed to himself …  ”what the hell is a ‘jake ass … ?”  continued … ….. most nights after cleaning the kitchen he joined her in the t.v. room even though he hated that goddamned western channel … ….. he usually curled up with a book by his favorite author louis l’amor … ….. that one night she […]

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    London Broil Redux

    continued … why feta cheese, he wondered ??  … she said it had something to do with goats milk and the symbyotic relationship goats have with tomatoes ..?? ***** she gloated it over him … the meat thing, i mean …  and the fact that he wasn’t working … ….. naturally, he didn’t want to make waves so he ate the damned feta cheese ..  (after all … he […]

  • If You Liked ‘… It All Happened That Night” You’ll Love This ….. London Broil

    They had meat for dinner almost every night … but for months he had been eating tomatoes and feta cheese for dinner even though he hated feta cheese … he couldn’t stand the taste and it made him sick … she insisted all along he become a vegetarian and she insisted he eat feta cheese even though he loved meat and potatoes … ” .. honey ,” she said, “as long as you bring home the bacon you can have whatever […]

  • It All Happened That Night IV

    “truth of the matter is …” she said, ” i wasn’t paying attention to a word you said … !”  i had other things on my mind … ”  continued ….. Then she says, “Why don’t we go inside where the  fireplace is and have a brandy?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Why not? Maybe we could have a steak afterward.” She said the food at the […]

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    It All Happened That Night III

    I told her I wasn’t really trying to be rude which didn’t seem to satisfy her at all so i said it again, hoping she’d understand! But she didn’t. She got mad as hell! “I hate that Dick … !!” she said.  “He’s so goddamn irresponsible!” I noticed she was looking over my shoulder at the bright lights of the lodge. I could see that glint she gets in […]

  • It All Started That Night

    It was a cold night! I mean, it was cold as hell! It felt like there was ice between my jacket and my shirt!  She had that mink thing on but it only covered her neck!  We stood outside waiting for about a half hour! Finally i said, ‘’Where in the hell are Dick and Jeannie?“  She got that quizzical look on her face!  “UH-OH,”I thought.  “Here […]

  • It All Happened That Night … A Re-post

    It all started that night when I wasn’t sure what she was asking me … ! At first i thought it had something to do with skiing! Truth of the matter is … I didn’t know WHAT she was thinking but I didn’t want to say anything. I thought, that maybe we were supposed to be meeting Dick […]

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    A Day In the Life … V

    decided not to go to Wall Mart to exchange the water purifier and furnace filter until later so …   maybe i’ll just mess around with the mower to see if i can fix it so i don’t have to buy a new one … i’m torn now … should i go outside, get some fresh air and work on the […]

  • A Day In the Life …

    … i happened to pass by the laundry room on the way to the bathroom, i saw some jeans that needed to go into the dryer …  … so i put them into the dryer then i started to move the furniture back to where i wanted it … when i finished i remembered i was going to take […]

  • Sweet Susan’s Battle Shoes/ Stocks and Foreclosure’s Innocent Whore Wars

    I … or i might come up here and find white and dazzling, diamonds, chicken legs, easter eggs on the inland innersoles, sparkling off beverage water, trillions of carats for hugs and what not … dazzling iridescent half life ur-anal-ium penetrating the bones of dry spirit tides where clothes fit right and everything flows down hill and glows big […]

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    The Kathy and Derek Chronicle … End …

    ….. Since no one really cared about Scooter Man or the penis on the sign, I knew the drivers of all those cars were going to start getting pissed at me. So, I figured it’s time to get the hell out of there. continued … I made eye contact with my laughing friend, felt the common […]

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    The Kathy and Derek Chronicle Part VI

    … his head and shoulders bounced up and down from giggling laughter, he suddenly turned and an instant later all I saw was his back receding away as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car. Meanwhile, six or seven cars had lined up behind my friend’s car oblivious to the circumstances at hand, their passengers anxious to move […]

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    The Kathy and Derek Chronicle V

    … all thoughts of Scooter Guy evaporated.  The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before.  I asked myself,  why in God’s name would Scooter Guy insert a penis between the R and D of his yard sale sign in the first place? I pointed at the […]

  • To Pee Is To Be … Oh No! Not Again …

    i’ve been reading these blogs this person writes that are pretty inspirational … ….. and they’re funny … ! they make me laugh … !  i mean, they make me laugh really hard … ! ….. one time i laughed so hard i peed my pants … ! ….. i have to be careful about that sort […]

  • Anger … By K.S. Part II

    Seriously!  This is not some serious shit!! Depending on your level of passion anger can be great creative fuel! The best way to sublimate anger … other than creating your own personal masterpiece … is through humor!! If you turn anger into being funny you can deflate its destructive tendencies while creating your personal masterpiece AT THE SAME TIME! Think what […]

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    I’ll Have London Broil With My Popcorn

    (for ‘sis … ) they had meat for dinner almost every night … ….. but for months he had been eating tomatoes and feta cheese for dinner even though he hated feta cheese … ….. he couldn’t stand the taste and it made him sick … ….. she insisted all along he become a vegetarian and she insisted […]

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    I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !

    – 8 – if you really care,  here’s what finally  happened … continued ….. after the laughter died down,  I played it real  cool …  ….. i stretched, like i had just  finished putting the  finishing touches on my  Ph.D. thesis and was  satisfied with the  results …   ….. i stood up …  (… very […]

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    I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !

    – 7-   Just before the cackling started to  die down I knew the room was  going to get  quiet … …..  I knew a further comment  would be  expected … ….. i got  nervous … ….. i tried to  think of something to  say …     ….. a soft voice inside my  head […]