Tag: absurdity
A Night At the Lodge
It all started that night when I wasn’t sure what she was asking me!
At first I thought it had something to do with skiing!
Truth of the matter is I didn’t know WHAT she was thinking but I didn’t want to make waves.
I thought that maybe we were supposed to be meeting Dick and Jeannie for a night out at the lodge!
Or maybe it had something to do with that scheduled court date?
When you get right down to it, I didn’t really give a shit. As far as I was concerned, it was six of one and one of those bakers dozen of the other … (haha heard someone say that once … it put a smile on my face.)
So i said “OK!”
You know! I had to be positive!!
I KNOW how she is about that ‘being positive’ stuff. She’s always stressing it so much!
Well, I think I AM positive but, does a little more than 50% of the time qualify as most of the time?
I’m not sure.
So I kept my mouth shut!
I didn’t want to hurt her feelings!!
Later that evening we drove out to the lodge. continued …
The Spinning Wheel
The Spinning Wheel
… or i might come up here
and find white and dazzling, diamonds,
chicken legs, easter eggs
on the inland waterway,
sparking gems off cleavage water,
trillions of carats for hugs
and why not?
Dazzling iridescent half life
ur-anal-ium lives within
the bones where
dry spirit resides,
where clothes fit right
and everything flows down hill
and grows big and horney inside …
I might go there … .
…..
But does it matter …
what’s right or wrong?
what the others think
in the quietude of
their midnight thoughts,
through wind against
the black starlight trees?
when breeze awakens …
when full nuclear moons topped
with heads full of sight
only knowing hind sight
the proof so vainly made?
Lighthouse visions cross the bay
with diamonds pale by comparison.
Still, what difference would it make?
These ancient beasties with their
water driven motion detectors,
thousands and hundreds of million
trillions of magi millions
and scallions of spent worthless money …
they took their own filthy lucre!
Yes!! i remember completely being
loved by those weaklings
linking sausage casings,
with their joints and smokey joes
their spent crystal stones,
your heart’s treasure
spent so carelessly,
sewn within a trunk,
Make them go!
I can’t stand their betrayal!
Like it or not you say?
I’ll just stop before
my eyes burn from inside,
before it might get even worse … !
It’s useless!
They’ll just throw it all
in the shit can anyway …
since this is the stink
of all betrayers
with their kind courtesy,
the likers of no mercy,
their words spoken
from outer spice land
while they don’t even know
what to do about it
but lay around and ’round
watching the spinning
wheel …
Oops! Sorry! We’ll Do The World Series After I Tell This Tale of Horror …
It was like a scene from a cheap horror movie except … it was real! I wasn’t dreaming!
At least I didn’t think I was … it was THAT REAL!
End: Prologue
continuing …
Cuspy
It all started around five thirty you know, at the ‘cuspy’ time of day.
(Now i know why they call it the ‘crack between the worlds’. But I didn’t know it at the TIME!)
By the time it ended I was gonna call but, after two hours I still couldn’t catch my breath!
At that point I wasn’t even sure I knew who I was!
The phone wasn’t charged anyway. So, I decided to wait.
In the meantime I wiped out that salad bowl.
I KNOW I know! I know how that pisses you off but, what the hell! It looks like real wood to me!
Besides that … what could I do? I was wide awake!
(To be honest with you I was a little afraid to sleep. “That’s funny!” I thought! “Maybe i WAS sleeping.” hahaha ….. )
End: Post Prologue
continuing …
My skin was still crawling!
End
Post Post Prologue
continuing …
I was reading that book about Mars. Our Mars it’s called. Out of this world stories about canals and spires and shit like that, when I decided to make a cup of latte.
I like my latte sweet. This time it was a little too sweet but I didn’t think anything of it.
Little did I know! (Shit like that happens all the time to me.)
See, I didn’t really care. I was in one of those moods. You know how I get … kind of antsy.
So, like I said, it was ‘cuspy’ out there on the patio.
End: Chapter I
continuing …
I sat down at the little sette’. I took a couple sips of that sweet latte.
I set the latte on the glass coffee table.
I looked around.
At first I thought, “It’s pretty light out there for being ‘cuspy’,” but within seconds that passed.
I KNEW the sun had shifted because “BAMM!” Like I said, there I was in the cusp! The “Crack between the worlds!”
Or, like I like to say, ‘The butt crack between the worlds.” hahaha …. Except, at the time I didn’t realize it.
continuing …
Next:
Googling Sucubus, Incubus and Vlad the Impaler …
Kathy and Derek: The Possibility of Road Rage
Suddenly I realized I was alone standing in the middle of the left lane, the Mustang running with the door open.
I knew that the drivers behind Kathy and Derek were oblivious of the circumstances anxious to move past the Stop sign to continue along their well worn paths.
Like … even if they had seen Scooter Man trapped under his scooter they couldn’t have known about the penis on the yard sign which wouldn’t have made any difference, since the real reason traffic was being held up was, I was totally debilitated by the ridiculous absurdity of a penis on a yard sign, while Kathy and Derek were overwhelmed with laughter at the sight of me acting like an ass totally convinced that there was a penis on a yard sale sign. We were indulging ourselves with laughter. We knew that any one of us could have been playing the role I was currently playing.
As the line of incoming traffic grew I felt their resentment heating up. I figured I’d have to either get the hell out of there or face the consequences of collective road rage.
I glanced at Kathy and Derek two cars behind the Mustang.
Their body language spoke volumes.
Continued … The Exciting Conclusion (once again) of The Kathy and Derek Chronicle
The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: “There’s A Penis On That Sign Can’t You See It?”
Once again, I turned to look at the yard sign. But, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Scooter Guy who was attempting to mount and drive the scooter away from where he had fallen.
One wheel of the scooter rested on the black top of the street where I waited at the Stop sign. The other was on the shoulder of the busy cross street I had been waiting to cross over.
If things continued the way they were going, Scooter Guy would soon be driving on the shoulder of the busy street against traffic!
(Across the street, a wide gray concrete bike path watched Scooter Guy with cold indifference all the while thinking, ‘’Jeeze, what a dumb ass.”)
When I finally DID look at the yard sign all thoughts of Scooter Guy disappeared.
The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown much larger and more prominent than before! I asked myself, why in God’s name would ANYBODY insert a penis between the R and D of a yard sale sign in the first place?
I turned my head to look back at Derek. I peered into his eyes. Pointing at the sign I hollered, “There’s a penis on that sign! Can’t you see it!”
Not much had changed since Derek had given me the big bear hug. His eyes were still squinting. His lips were still stretched into a wide grin with his teeth showing. In addition now, his head and shoulders were bouncing up and down and up and down from laughing, which gave his face a kind of blurred image.
Suddenly he turned away. An instant later all I saw was the back of his flannel shirt receding, getting smaller as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.
continued …
The Kathy and Derek Chronicle III: The Penis In ‘Yard Sale’ Seems To Be Getting Larger!
When I turned to remark about the penis in ‘’yeard’’ sale, the male half of my two friends Derek, a giant of a man, six feet four at least, his bald head shining in the afternoon sun, his front teeth showing from behind lips stretched back into a wide grin, loomed larger and larger within my field of vision until only the buttons on his plaid shirt were visible.
I closed my eyes and felt a hard embrace. Since I hadn’t seen Derek in a while I returned the favor while pounding the angel bone on the right side of his back, with my open hand.
When I pulled back from his hug and looked at his smiling face, his eyes wide and round and blue, his mouth still stretched side to side, his teeth still showing he said, ‘’Can you believe how that guy spelled yard?”
When I turned around Scooter Guy he was attempting to remount his scooter having tipped it right side up by himself …
Next:
The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before. I asked myself, why in God’s name would ...
The Kathy and Derek Chronicle: Part II
While Scooter Guy … tanned and shirtless wearing Bermuda shorts and sandals, around 75 years old … struggled to escape from beneath his scooter I took a moment to weigh my options; would Scooter Guy’s male ego assert itself with resentment if I attempted to help him get up?
When I stared down into Scooter Guy’s glazed eyes I saw no trace of male ego so I said, ’’Jeeze, are you ok?Do you need some help getting up?”
While watching Scooter Guy squirm beneath the weight of his scooter, I heard a female voice shout my name.
I turned and there sat Kathy her whole head and shoulders extended out of the drivers side window of her car, her face beaming with joy, enjoying the experience of witnessing something totally apart from the circumstances of everyday life.
Not surprisingly, instead of asking about Scooter Guy’s condition (does he look hurt, do you need help lifting the scooter?) she said, “Can you believe how that guy spelled yard sale?”
I looked over my shoulder at the sign where “yard’’ was spelled ‘’yeard’’ but my first thought was that the R on ‘yeard’ looked like a penis standing tall along side the A and D.
I looked down at Scooter Guy who was struggling. The misspelling of the word also explained why Scooter Guy’s eyes appeared to be glazed.
Since, the funniest subject in the world is sex and … well, penises are right up there too .. AND since Derek and Kathy had appeared … I started getting that giddy feeling, which tells me some crazy shit is about to happen. Wull … I wasn’t disappointed.
continued …
Mack, I’ll Take the Knife
Dr.! Dr.! Make no bones about it! I know the tune you’re singing!
The knife is a whole lot better than a lifetime of toil, carrying my body from place to place! It’s more like a full time job! What fun is that?? It’s time well wasted if you ask me!
Weren’t we humans given that special wisdom .. “To move about is the be FREE!”
If this is all about moving through space and time with another crossroad before me, a chance to get it right this time then, I’ll take the plunge so I can resume my journey!
So, give me the knife will ‘ya, Mack?
But jeeze, on my birthday!?
Wull … who knows … ?
Hogtied In Cincinatti (part 1 of The Mouse Who Thought He Gave Could Fly)
Shortly before we closed the cottage for the winter the washing machine ‘gave up the ghost’.
There wasn’t enough time to call the local repair guy so I moved it to the back deck, threw a blue tarp over it, tossed a vintage aluminum chaise lounge on top of the tarp and cinched everything together with a bungee cord stretched around the middle making it look like a really fat man wearing a blue London Fog raincoat and very cheap belt.
We hopped into the car hurried south on I-75 to Detroit Metro Airport where we caught Spirit Airlines flight 3326710 back down to Florida the land of the midday sun. .
Not five miles from the cottage, after a heated discussion about how we were going to squeeze an extra $75 from our IRA account for this year’s tax bill, all thoughts about the washing machine dropped off of the radar.
(Wull, all things being relative don’t you think that a tax burden looming up on the horizon is a lot more threatening than the thoughs of running out of clean underwear in the Spring?)
Time moves on.
It wasn’t until Christmas that I remembered the washing machine after my friend Bill’s wife bought him a washing machine for Christmas.
“OH YEAH! THE WASHING MACHING!” I shouted out loud. Everyone had a perplexed look on their face. My friend Bill leaned over and whispered (a little too close to my ear for comfort), “Are you gonna get one too?”
I reared back and looked at his face. I didn’t feel comfortable with what I saw
I began avoiding Bill after that telling him I was too tired to go watch him mud bog. I hated that yellow Pinto he drove with those ridiculously huge tires anyway.
Continued …
*Newly improved profile available.
Parental Guidance Suggested
Will the IRS keep the money and apply the $140 to the balance owed?
No? Shit! I was gonna go out for a Bloomin’Onion!
Well, good! I don’t like Bloomin’Onions anyway!
And wull, come to think of it, f–k them and f–k the ship they came as passengers on!
I can do without the so called “necessities” of life!
It doesn’t matter! In my own mind I’m a freeking hero anyway for helping people realize how NORMAL they are! You know .. Everything is the Theory of Relativity anyway.
That’s why we don’t stand a chance! Space is so BIG. The problem is; you don’t know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing?!
I’m neutral in that regard. There aren’t that many of us left. I was scratching my head thinking, “the ranks are thinning.’ Or maybe I got lost in thought while scratching my head! I guess we’ll never know.
Maybe if I …… Naahhh .. that’ll never work …hmmmm ..
So. What are you? Are you satisfied with all this shit? (I heard they caught Donald Trump with his pants down the other day! Now THAT’S some shit!)
A very costly item up for bid!
Luckily I don’t have a dime to my name! But I don’t want any of his shit anyway!
But whaddya ganja … Whoa !!… Sorry … ! GONNA do?
That’s life at its cruelest fork!
Would that be in the road? Or, does it have something to do with that Bloomin’ Onion? I guess it’s just another one of those things we’ll never know!
But, ain’t it the truth!!!!! 😥😡😕😮😯😂😁 KS
They’re Back! The Nick and Jessica Chronicles
Hey Nick! We’re going back to the ”Mall Planet” aren’t we? Yup … soooo, ok. Where were we … ? continued …
Another Chapter
Jessica Visits Carlos Castenada While Ripping Apart Arugula for her Salad
…….. oh yeah so, that night when you’re tearing up arugula for your salad, you tell the story to your sister. While you tell it, you get that hysterical edge to your voice. You’re laughing and talking at the same time and you are so tickled that, tears are forming in your eyes and you’re doing your ‘’he, he, … ” laugh.
Di doesn’t think it’s that funny but you don’t care. You just keep talking like … the story is so crystal clear to you … it’s almost like you’ve dropped back into that world again. It’s like you brought a piece of that world right into the kitchen when you started telling the story!
Ummmm … I don’t know, Nick.
Did you ever watch those Twilight Zone re-runs? I used to love those things. Do you remember that sound they used to make just before Rod Serling said, ”You are now entering the Twilight Zone”? Well, … hey ….. listen …. Nick, LISTEN!”
Under her breath she makes the sound ….. “oooooWAHAHAHAHoooooo … .” I think you’ve broughten us into the Twilight Zone, Nick!”
You tickle me Jess. Even when you’re being a jerk. Did you just make that word ‘broughten’ up Jessica? Is that the term you use when you bring something along when you go into the Twilight Zone? (Nick and Jessica look at each other with mutual grins) Well anyway, back to the kitchen …
And my dildo sister, right?
Right …
continued …
The Humor of Orthopedia
The Humor of Orthoipedia
So … yesterday I had a one o’clock appointment with my orthopedic person to have my head …er .. knee examined. (I’m not a bone head fer cryin’ out loud! I have an orthopedic neurologist for that!) .
An older guy, probably my age was waiting with a dog on his lap. To his left and right were a couple of other people one of which I assumed was his wife.
They seemed friendly enough. When i passed by I said hi and they smiled.
While standing in front of the sliding glass window looking at the clip board I thought I heard someone say, ‘’It doesn’t look like he’s limping.’’
Naturally i thought the comment pertained to me.
I smiled, knowing that my reply might make them laugh.
“I’m faking it!’’ I said while turning around with a smile on my face. All four of them stared at me with blank looks on their faces.
“Whoops,” i thought, “Have i made an ass out of myself again?”
I immediately realized I had accidentally dropped into adolescent thinking mode. I automatically changed gears and when I did I started thinking the situation was funny.
Wull, at least they stopped their idle chatter for a moment, I thought. (Maybe they were talking about Donald Trump? But they seemed like fairly happy people.)
“Jeeze,” i said, “I thought you were talking about me.’’ I touched my right knee and gave it a little rub.
The guy holding the dog says, ‘’No, we were talking about the dog.”
continued …
Overheard At the Mall One Day: Funny Shoes, Miles of Smiles, Craftsman Skill Saws, She Cracks Him Up .. The End
Was the Harley guy good looking too. Whoops, I hate those pony tails on grown men.
Suddenly you realize the world is back to normal. People are walking by. You’re standing with this guy having a friendly conversation. The guy reaches over, touches your arm and says, ‘’You have a nice face.” You’re caught off guard again. You don’t know what to say. He turns as he walks away says, ‘’But I don’t know about your taste in shoes.” He’s grinning ear to ear. He gives you one of those little side to side kid waves. Then, he’s gone.
I was hoping he’d walk down to Sears with me to buy a Craftsman skill saw that was on sale that day … ..
I bet you’ve always wanted a circular saw, haven’t you?
Hey man … you live in your world, I’ll live in mine.
But the guy was me!
Well ok. Hey! When you’re done talking, do you want to drive over to Sears with me? I hear there’s a sale on tools …
You crack me up.
Pause … thinking …
The End …
Overheard At the Mall One Day: Harley Davidsons, Pigtails and Broken High Heeled Sh ….
continued … Cool! I’m an astronaut on the Planet Mall, right?
The guy picks up the broken shoe, looks up at the Harley guy and says, ‘’Did you say you wanted to try these on?’’ The Harley guy shakes his head. He walks away smiling.
Obviously a man of few words.
There’s a nice looking middle aged woman standing by watching. The ‘crocs guy’ is still laughing. He says to the woman, ‘’Do you know anybody with one leg?” She says, ‘’Not now but, maybe later.” They both laugh. She walks away with a big smile on her face.
She didn’t say she liked my shoes?
Well, you know this scenario could go on forever. The Harley guy might tell you to go in and have a cup of coffee while he returns the shoes. Or, the guy wearing the crocs might say, ‘’You look just like a cheerleader I used to know.”
I HATE being typecast as a cheerleader!
For some reason this cracks you up. Your face is all red. The guy seems to have known it’d make you laugh. How in the hell did he know? He has this sly look on his face, looking straight into your eyes smiling. You feel a kind of attachment. You don’t know what this is about, but it seems like something strange and wonderful has happened.
Was the Harley guy good looking too. Whoops, I hate those pony tails on grown men.
Suddenly you realize the world is back to normal. People are …..
continued … The End In Sight (or is it??) oh yeah .. wull, what was this all about anyway … ?? ??
Overheard At the Mall One Day In Front of Starbucks … continued …
continued … The guy gets a big kick out of himself doesn’t he?
Let’s just say this guy loves it when the ordinary world turns upside down.
Pause … So what happens next?
Suddenly time stops. It seems like no one is paying attention anymore. People are like blurs or streaks of color passing by. That half of your world has just dropped away but it doesn’t really matter since you don’t need it in this new world anyway. It’s almost like you’re living inside one of those snow globes. The world is swirling around while you and the characters in your world are stationary.
Sounds like I’ve been seduced because the situation is so ‘ridiculoso’ …
Then, for some reason, you start to laugh. You realize there’s something incredibly ridiculous about the whole situation. It’s so out of the ordinary. So unique for you. And you have this super awareness! Which you love! You look at the guy you bumped into. There’s something about his face. Or his laugh. Or both. It’s so honest. Spontaneous. It seems like he’s telling you the truth about the absurdity of life without saying a word. Maybe he set the whole thing up for your enjoyment. Like it all was SUPPOSED to be funny and you’re just going along with the flow … like you’re in a Saturday Night Live routine making it up as you go along.
pause … wull, it’s pretty obvious you’re not in the same world anymore isn’t it?
Cool! I’m an astronaut on the Planet Mall, right? continued …
So, when the guy picks up the broken shoe he looks up at the Harley guy and says …..
Overheard Recently II
The big guy with a Harley t-shirt is standing there wondering what to do. The shoe box is open and the little piece of tissue paper is lying there.
I don’t want something like that to happen to me …
…. So, here’s what happens next. The guy you bumped into … he’s on all fours scrambling around for your shoes and the tissue paper when suddenly he turns his head and looks straight into your eyes. He’s studying your face and he’s grinning from ear to ear. He’s wondering if you think the situation is as funny as he does.
If I’m hip to the situation …
Right! So, you feel yourself lighten up because he’s got a nice smile and you sense what his feelings are which are that, the situation is totally ridiculous and crazy and really funny! That’s when you realize a situation like this has never happened to you before.
… So, it’s totally NOT the same shit that happens every day. I’m out of my trance, right? Tell me more about this guy who likes my eyes. Is he good looking? Is he going to buy me a cup of coffee at Starbucks for all the …..
… the guy says, ‘’Wull shit. I just bought a pair of shoes just like these.’’ And before he finishes the sentence, he starts laughing like … almost uncontrollably. He says, ‘’ .. Oh my god,’’ under his breath so you can barely hear him. He’s making this keening sound while he struggles to keep himself under control. He’s fumbling with the shoes trying to get them into the box. He forgets to put the tissue in the box which makes him laugh even more. He’s in control but barely. You expect to see him roll over and lose it completely.
The guy gets a big kick out of himself doesn’t he?
Let’s just say this guy loves it when the ordinary world turns upside down.
Pause …
So what happens next?
continued …
Going Out With A Bang: There Were Pink Panties (Revised)
A split second before Green leaped off the podium to come after me, a white dot appeared. The dot kept getting larger. When it streaked past, not six inches from my face, I realized he had thrown his baton at me!
Strange as it seems, I pictured myself wearing a black patch over my left eye while Green, a look of despair on his face, pleaded with the school board to keep his job.
While Green moved toward me Nancy’s head reappeared from beneath her chair. Startled at the mad dog look in Green’s eyes she lost her balance and tipped to the left. Her chair shot sideways from beneath her toward the percussion section.
She succeeded at cushioning her fall but her clarinet hit the floor first. She lay on her left side, her broken clarinet inches in front of her face Marilyn’s piccolo held high in her her right hand, a triumphant look on her face.
While Green struggled to squeeze between a tympani drum and the glockenspiel I made my move toward the door. On the way I saw a snare drum embedded within an open gash on the side of the bass drum. I think when Nancy’s chair shot out from beneath her it hit the snare drum with such force that it broke through the head.
Before exiting through the band room door, I looked back at the carnage.
continued …
Going Out With A Bang: There Were Pink Panties and “Nether Regions”
… she leaned forward pushing her butt off the chair extending her arm as far as she could … her head seemed to disappear between her knees.
A white dot appeared before my eyes as Green leaped off the podium. When it streaked past, not six inches from my left eye, I realized he had thrown his baton at me.
When Nancy’s head emerged from beneath her chair piccolo in hand, she jerked away from Green’s mad dog face too quickly and fell to the floor. On the way down, her chair shot from beneath her toward the percussion section.
Lying on her side, her badly damaged clarinet inches from her face, Nancy held the piccolo high a triumphant look on her face.
While Green was temporarily stuck between a tympani drum and the glockenspiel I broke for the door.
On the way I noticed a snare drum lying against the side of another snare drum embedded within a gash on the head of the bass drum.
On the floor in front of the mess sat Nancy her knees raised, struggling to cover her naked thighs and pink panties, her skirt having fallen well past the mid thigh mark. (My theory is that, when her chair shot from beneath her, it hit the first snare drum causing the chain reaction that slashed bass drum head.)
I couldn’t stand there and gawk but later Greg Spencer the oboe player told me, with a sly look on his face, her pink panties and ”nether regions” (as he put it) were visible for a long time.
continued …
(yes I’m back … ) Going Out With A Bang: There WAS Blood
“You son of a bitch,’’ I heard Bethany yell as her new coronet arched through the air. The mouthpiece cracked against first chair baritone player Greg Hay’s forehead which started bleeding at about the same instant Bethany’s cornet hit the floor.
continued …
Greg slapped the palm of his hand against his forehead then looked at it. The sight of blood startled him. When he stood his baritone hit his music stand which came to rest against bass clarinet player Candy Johnson’s back.
Candy turned her head screamed and began slapping Greg’s music stand as if some gigantic bug had landed on her shoulder.
Then she began acting crazy. She leaped up, screamed even louder and began lifting her knees as high as she could while running in place! (Maybe she thought she was at marching band practice??)
Her big bass clarinet shot forward stabbing the back of first chair flautist Marilyn B’s chair whose piccolo, since we had just finished playing the Stars and Stripes Forever, rested on her lap. She leaped to her feet with such force that the piccolo took flight.
Second chair clarinet Nancy Nancy Zielinsky’s eyes and the flying piccolo moved in unison.
When it hit the floor and rolled under her chair she leaned forward pushing her butt off the chair. Extending her arm as far as she could to retrieve the piccolo her head seemed to disappear between her thighs.
Next: A split second before Green leaped off the podium to come after me a white dot appeared …
continued …
Going Out With A Bang; There Will Be Blood
Howling with pain Ron attempted to stand up but the forward momentum of his tuba (sousaphone) caused him to slip off the end of his chair and land on both knees while at the same time the bell of his tuba barely missed dropping over the top of first chair trumpet player Tommy Cooper’s head. What a funny sight that would have been!
Instead the bell of the tuba grazed the side of Cooper’s cheek then came to rest on top of his and Bill Acheson’s, (the other first chair trumpet player’s) legs.
Acheson’s ‘fight or flight’ instincts immediately kicked in causing him to pull his body violently to the left which, when he did, his trumpet struck Bethany Steven’s prized cornet bending the second valve.
I heard Bethany yell, “You son of a bitch,” at Bill. Then somehow (i’ll never know how) Bethany’s cornet was floating through space until the mouthpiece .. with the cornet attached to it … hit Greg Hays (first chair baritone player) on his forehead.
Greg started bleeding about the same time Bethany’s cornet dropped to the floor.
For a split second the room got real quiet as everyone contemplated the the trickle of blood that had curved around Greg’s eye and was slowly running down his cheek. Greg smeared blood all over his cheek, looked at the tips of his fingers and started laughing.
continued …
Sight I
… or i might come up here and find white and dazzling, diamonds, chicken legs, easter eggs on the inland waterway, diamonds sparkling off cleavage water, trillions of carats for hugs. and why not? dazzling iridescent half life ur-anal-ium lives within the bones where dry spirit resides, where clothes fit right and everything flows down hill and grows big and horney inside … I might go there … .
Does it doesn’t matter … what’s right or wrong, what the others think in the quietude of their midnight thoughts, through trees against the black starlight trees a breeze awakens … next, full nuclear moons topped with heads with of full of sight but only knowing hind sight the proof so vainly made. Lighthouse visions cross the bay with diamonds pale by comparison. but I don’t care! mortuary johnnys come lately. what difference would it make?
Their ancient beasties water driven motion detectors, thousands and hundreds of million trillions of magi millions and scallions of spent worthless money … they took their own filthy lucre!
Yes!! i remember completely loved by those weaklings linking sausage casings, with joints and smokey joes?the spent crystal stones your heart’s treasure spent so carelessly, sewn within a trunk,
make them go! I can’t stand their betrayal!
Like it or not you say? i’ll just stop before my eyes burn me from inside, before it might get even worse …
It’s useless! They’ll just throw it all in the shit can anyway since this is the stink of all betrayers with their kind courtesy, the likers of no mercy, their words spoken from outer spice land while you don’t even know what to do about it but lay around and ’round watching the spinning wheel …
Continued …
Diary Of A Madman 2 1/2
Do you have agoraphobia sometimes? I do. But not today. I was in the city. I didn’t have to be afraid of any agriculture while i was there. Are you afraid of agriculture??
I stay inside my house for weeks at a time. The corn field out back terrifies me.
Jeeze, I’m so sleepy. I was up at two o’clock last night.
Thank god I got up. One of those small tear shaped light bulbs somehow clicked on. maybe the cat did it. it laid against the bottom of my couch on the side where it was hard to see.
When i got up at two I saw a tiny bit of smoke rising up from the couch. I thought it was temporary but it smelled really bad. I bent down to look. There was a tiny orange burning spot about the size of 4 pin heads down there on the bottom edge.
Left alone it probably would have engulfed the couch and killed us all probably including the cat too. But, I have super awareness. Things jump out at me all the time like that.
Like, one day I was listening to the radio in my car and I changed stations and the same song was playing at exactly the same spot on a different station! Weird … but that’s my life.
Wull … I’m glad I drank too much coke earlier that evening the day before before dinner when I was really thirsty after having mowed the lawn in the hot Florida sun. If I hadn’t mowed the lawn, got thirsty and drank too much coke, I wouldn’t have had all that caffein in my body, so i wouldn’t have gotten up at two a.m. by now i’d probably be dead and you wouldn’t even be reading this!
But so what? My life isn’t worth anything anyway. I’m afraid of agriculture, I’m obsessed with hosing the back porch plus lately I’ve been unsteady on my feet.
I’ve been really depressed because nobody came to the birthday party I threw. My mom wasn’t even there! But I forgave her. Being at my birth was more than enough. Plus, she hasn’t been around for a long time.
Wull … there’s one thing I know for sure Jennifer, where there’s smoke there’s fire! You better believe it!
hey! Lovers of silliness! go see little monster girl. she’s pretty and she has nice hands and she draws scary cartoons. she made me write all this looney plop! https://lmgcomic.wordpress.com
A
SOLSTICE DAYS
I THINK SOLSTICE DAYS SUCH AS OURS … RELATE TO YOUNGER MINDS IN GENERAL, THEIR MOVEMENTS SO FREE … UNANNOUNCED THEY’RE THE PERFECT HOUSE GUESTS IN OUR WORLD … AN END RESULT ..
*******
LET’S FACE IT … THE WORLD’S A BETTER PLACE FOR THEM TO CO-MINGLE ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE SOULS WHO MOVE THEIR SADNESS IN SEARCH FOR HAPPY LOVE … THE SEARCH FOR SHOES WITH A BETTER FIT … THE OTHER FOOT IN UNION WITH THEIR OWN .. TAKING THEM EVERYWHERE THROUGH MINDS DELVED INTO …THE SELFLESS WORLD OF LOVE AND affirmation ..
*******
OF COURSE THE OPPOSITE CAN BE TRUE … BASKETBALLS THROWN FROM NOWHERE TO PLACES NEVER SEEN, DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW where they’re going or what their purpose is … ? IT’S USELESS to search for a REASON SINCE … YOU’LL NEVER REALLY KNOW …
*******
IT’S ABOUT PEOPLE IN SLEEPING COMAS … ! YOU CAN SEE THEIR STASIS … NEVER ENDING; THE CONVERSION OF THAT ONE INSENCSENT FACT OF LIFE … !
IT’S OBLIVION THAT SETS US FREE … !
*******
IT’S PART OF OUR SOCIETY NOW IN EVERY DETAIL … IN EVERY GENERAL WAY ! WE MIGHT AS WELL FACE THE FACT … IT’S ABUNDANTLY CLEAR …!
*****
WHEN THINKING THROUGH CLEAR VISTAS … WE THINK THOUGHTS THAT THINK BETTER THOUGHTS THAN THOUGHTS NOT THROUGH CLEAR VISTAS … IT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS ISN’T IT … ?
*******
BUT WAIT … ! THERE’S MORE !!
BETTER AND BETTER, MORE CLEAR VISTAS … THEY’RE ON THE WAY …!
*******
WHAT COULD BE MORE OMINOUS ..? SIGNS AND THERAPIES … THE WORDS OF MONKS … PRIESTS AND HARPIES … THEIR CURLING BEARDS AND SHAVEN HEADS OF FEAR … THE BREAD WORTH TASTING … ? IF THEY ONLY KNEW THE HANDLE, THEY’D KNOW THE OPEN FRAME .. IF THEY ONLY KNEW THEY HAD KNOWN ALL ALONG … THEY’D KNOW THEY ALL KNEW THE SAME … HOW SAD
*******
THERE’S NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN AND IT’S THE SAME OLD SONG isn’t it .. IT’S HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF ..
*******
LIFE’S REALITY?
WHAT IS IT WE SEEK?
IT’S BETTER THOUGHT ! ! BETTER DANCING LOUDER SINGING
THAT’S ALL .. !!
*******
FREEDOM’S PRESS IS FREE AFTER ALL .. ! THE FREE PRESS MORNING EDITION … IT COMES DELIVERED TO THE HOUSE EACH MORNING ANNOUNCING WITH GLEE DETROIT’S DONE IT AGAIN … THEY’RE NUMBER ONE ….. IN THE MURDER CATEGORY? (THERE’S LONG ROADS YET TO TRAVEL … IT’S A DEEP, DARK SECRET … YOU KNOW IT WELL …)
… BUT SERIOUSLY ….. IT’S NOT ABOUT TAKING LIVES … IT’S ABOUT 4 SQUARE COUPLES DANCING TO AND FRO, MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE …
PLUS … IT LEADS TO HIGHER BIRTH RATES … LOVE … KS !
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … (is it 6 or 7? oh! … sorry!)
– 6 –
… when that wall of sound washed over me me it
knocked my head straight back …
don’t they call that the G note,
or something like that … ?
(that’s not me …)
what’s funny is …
I wasn’t even trying to be
funny … !
…..
it was one of those moments when i found myself
unconsciously being completely
honest … ! almost like I was having an
out of body experience … !
spontaneous, innocent honesty is so
hard to find these days … !!
because it’s so rare … so totally unexpected …
it makes people laugh … !
…..
wull … what’s even funnier still is, …
looking back i see myself continuing to
ponder the question … !! .. !
(… why WAS the telephone invented … ?)
maybe Alexander Graham Bell was trying
to figure out a way to let his servants know
it was time to bring the soup
to the dining room upstairs …?
or,
maybe he didn’t even know what the
damn thing would be used for … he just knew
someone ELSE was trying to invent one
and HE wanted to be first … !
…..
therefore …
how could ANYONE really
KNOW why the telephone was invented … ?
…..
i knew those three women had absolutely no idea
that the question had taken on
such ridiculously high
philosophical dimensions to me …
and i damn sure wasn’t going to give them
even an inkling of
what I was thinking …
… continued …
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … 4? or is it 5?
– 5 –
Here’s how it happened …
When Carol,
(the aggressive one) said,
‘’Why do you think phones were invented … ?’’
I looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office
… on the other side of Carol’s desk …
into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the
window on the far wall …
I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot …
i stared at it wondering …why WERE telephones
invented … ?
i knew damn well they weren’t invented
so that people could be called for
work assignments … !
I was being totally over analytic
as usual …
coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the
subject …
for a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell
calling his assistant …
( … what was his name … Watson …? )
to come upstairs because
he had spilled some chemical on his
hand …
all of this thinking and wondering happened within a split second
but,
I guess the timing was right … you know …
one beat ….. two beat …..
…..
the room got real
quiet …
suddenly it dawned on me …
I didn’t know why in hell (!)
the telephone was invented … !
…..
i think a confused or maybe concerned look
came over my face …
I said,
‘’wull .. I don’t know …’’ (?!)
after that all of my senses shut down completely
except my hearing … !
a wall of sound suddenly washed over me … !
you know, that high pitched cackling noise
women make when they all start laughing at the
same time … !?
don’t they call that the
G-NOTE
or something like that … ???
the explosion of sound practically knocked my head backward … !!
(continued … )
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny .. 3
– 3 –
if I had the balls to say ” … hey, i’ve gotta go, i left my car running … “i’d probably be just as capable of saying, ” … hey, i gotta go, I’ll see you guys
later … ” continued …
so anyway, the first thing I did when I
got into the office was
get stuff out of my
message
box …
…..
then, I sat down at the table
to check my paper work
one last time and
read a memo about
continuing education …
jennifer, linda and carol were sitting on the other side of the table where I sat
facing carol who sat behind her
desk …
they were discussing which one of them wanted the stray cat they’d been feeding
outside the office for the past two
months …
while I read the memo Carol told me
she called yesterday for an assignment
and
since I didn’t call back she had to
cancel the
order …
she said she left me a message …
…..
i didn’t say anything so the room got real
quiet …
i think that within the silence of the
room she was questioning
… by implication …
why I didn’t return her
call …
i just sat there scanning the
memo …
i thought …
am i supposed to be feeling
guilty or something … ?
….. for christ sake … !
you’d think it was
common knowledge by now that
I rarely check my
answering machine … !
doesn’t a person have the choice
NOT
to answer answer their answering
machine … ?
what if something earthshaking
happened so I couldn’t check the
thing … ?!
i wasn’t going to let them get
the best of
me … !
so I kept reading
or
maybe I muttered something like,
‘’well, you know how it goes,
blah, blah, blah …. ”
when suddenly
the woman named Linda …
( … who’s pretty aggressive … )
says
“why do you think phones were
invented … ?!’’
continued …
Shot In The Face! Ending …
The Coke shot out of the bottle like a liquid bullet hitting me square in the face. It shot up my nose and dripped down the back of my throat so quickly I didn’t have time to think! I felt Coke spray hitting all parts of my body like it was being spit out of a clogged paint gun. At the same time I felt Coke foam rolling over the knuckles of my fist onto the carpet.
Within thirty seconds the chaos ended. I pictured myself holding a crushed piece of plastic with a red label and a bit of brown liquid at the bottom, Coke dripping off of the end of my nose, my t-shirt beginning to stick to my body while standing in an ever expanding pool of Coke soaking into the carpet.
A half second after feeling at peace with the world I had shot myself in the face with an exploding bottle of Coca Cola with a whole new set of problems I could never have imagined.
Looking back?
Despite the fact that I had to spend the next forty minutes scrubbing Coke stain from my carpet in the middle of the night, I felt grateful.
Wull … why not? How many people get to shoot themselves in the face with a litre of Coca Cola fired from a bottle gun at close range and live to write about it?
Zumba My Ass – Part II
continued … ‘’call 911 yourself you clumsy idiot … it’s all your fault … ! ’’ she said
he had to fish the phone out of his back pocket …
(which isn’t an easy task when you’re lying on the floor with a broken shoulder) …
but the battery was dead … !
…..
a moment later she came back into the kitchen …
…..
she began picking the groceries up
but
she ignored him …
…..
‘’but you’ve never used that thing,” he said … ! it’s bleached out from lying outside in the sun for TWO YEARS … !
for crying out loud!
i made a landscape ornament out of that thing
after the first year … !”
…..
she said, “i was thinking of joining that zumba class
starting next week…!”
she got huffy again and said,
“why don’t you just put the damned groceries away yourself?”
she stormed out of the kitchen a second time …
…..
despite the pain he yelled,
‘’but zumba doesn’t USE exercise balls … !’’
…..
the last thing he heard before the door slammed was…
’’Good!
I didn’t want to take that
stupid class anyway … !
…..
Later …
he had to drive the Mustang in first gear
all the way to the hospital
five miles away … !
(the pain was too intense to shift gears)
…..
while it seemed strange to him at the time …
(and despite the pain)
he laughed all the way to the
hospital …
Zumba My Ass … !
Once again he was saddened by the thought that,
“She never thinks i’m funny … !“
…
most of the things HE thought were funny … SHE thought were either stupid or sexually degenerate …
she hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the english language … !
…..
… and she didn’t think sex was funny which he thought was even funnier than the word shit … !
she used to say, “i don’t appreciate your barnyard humor,’’ …
…..
he remembered the time she stormed out of the room after he said, ’i’d love to be able to fly like a bird but,
i wouldn’t want to BE a bird because when birds have sex it’s over after a couple of quick thrusts … !“
she said something over her shoulder as she stormed out of the room …all he heard was … ‘’compared to you … ‘’
he didn’t catch the rest …
…..
(strange as it seems, … he chuckled at the craziness of the situation … )…..
“BUT IT’S OK she doesn’t get it most of the time … !’’ he thought … !
“for crying out loud
you can’t connect on everything … !”
…..
… still, he hoped that occasionally she’d laugh at
what he DID or SAID to BE funny instead of the
unintentional things that happened
which
she thought were hilarious … !
…..
like the time he was carrying the groceries in from the car,
tripped over that stupid exercise ball she never used, fell and
broke his shoulder … !
…..
she laughed so hard she didn’t even hear his pleas to
call 911 … !
…..
(the next day she told him she laughed so hard she peed her pants … !) …..
through the haze of pain he was thinking, ‘’well, at least she’s laughing ..”
…..
but then she got pissed because the exercise ball
hit a nail and went flat …
…..
as she walked out of the room the last thing he heard was …
‘’call 911 yourself you clumsy idiot … it’s all your fault … !
continued …
Where’s My Passport … ? Look Under the Underwear You Idiot … !
I was conflicted …
should i return the money or go on a spending spree … ?
…..
i could have gone to Brazil or
Paraguay or even
Chechnia but …
i couldn’t find my passport … !
…..
i looked all over the place … !
…..
i got so tired of looking i said
‘screw it! i’ll stay home and watch the
Ali Foreman fight on t.v.’ … !
…..
… the fight was cancelled which
really pissed me off … but,
i found a Looney Tunes cartoon festival which was
even better … !
i wasn’t two minutes into the first
Woody Woodpecker cartoon when
the door bell
rang …
…..
… two guys told me they were from the
IRS …
they asked me if i knew a certain woman
on the 5th floor …
i told them i did then …
“whew!” i said,
”i thought you were looking for me … !”
…..
they started asking me questions …
…..
they said they liked me and everything but
they had to take me to
headquarters for
processing … !
…..
the younger guy on the left smiled,
“It won’t take long …”
the older guy, on the right
stared hard at me …
his eyes slightly squinted …
the left to right movement of his head …
barely visible …
…..
i asked if i could take a few
things with me …
the guy on the right said, “no … !‘’
the younger guy smiled and said, ‘’why not?”
the older guy said … ”well, ok …
… but make it quick … (!)
we haven’t got all day!’’
…..
i grabbed my Detroit Tigers souvenir program (when they
beat St. Louis for the world series … )
my favorite t-shirt and
an extra pair of
jeans …
…..
that’s when i discovered my passport
(‘’oh shit,’’ … i thought .. “there’s my frickin’ passport … !!”)
under my underwear where i
put it for safe
keeping … !
…..
after i locked the apartment door …
(as we were leaving)
i said, ‘’… what about the woman on the fifth floor?’’
they looked at each other … then
back at me …
the older agent who stared at me
smiled and said,
’’she’s an IRS agent … we were
meeting her for
lunch … !’’
…..
the younger guy who earlier had smiled
barely shook his head from side to
side …his eyes
piercing
mine …
London Broil IV – Redux – End
continued … “she’ll just have to eat her goddamned popcorn with butter tonight … ! he wondered if she’d know the difference … but, he knew better … )
When he got back home she was fast asleep in bed … …..
hmmmmm, he thought …
…..
he figured, since the next day was saturday
(… and she’d be sleeping in … )
he’d leave early for his appointment at
Peter’s Quickie Loan Place
(… across the street from the Piggly Wiggly … ),
pick up a couple tubs of margarine for the popcorn AND a couple pounds of butter, just in case … !
…..
he knew he’d have hell to pay if
there wasn’t any butter in the house …
since she preferred butter on her
toast … !
The End ..
London Broil – Redux – Part III
continued … when he doubled over she called him a doofey unemployed jake ass ….. he laughed to himself … ”what the hell is a ‘jake ass … ?” continued …
….. most nights after cleaning the kitchen he joined her in the t.v. room even though he hated that goddamned western channel …
…..
he usually curled up with a book by his favorite author louis l’amor …
…..
that one night she told him she wanted popcorn …
…..
… he took great pride in his popcorn making skills … but on that one night they had run out of margarine ….. !
…..
… it was a mystery to him why she didn’t like butter on her popcorn … he loved buttered popcorn … !
maybe that was the reason why … ?
…..
“… wull … ,” he told her, ”there isn’t any margarine … ”
…..
but she insisted,
… ”the car’s got plenty of gas,” she said, …
” … and i could use some quiet time.
so why don’t you just leave … ” ?
…..
so, he drove 8 miles to
the Piggly Wiggly in town
but it was closed for the annual inventory …
…..
so he drove around the corner to
Charlies Convenience Store
but it must have burned down …
the walls were charred black
and the roof was missing …
…..
‘’ … i’ll be damed if i’ll drive another three miles over to Plank City for a tub of frickin’ Parkay … ,” he said, out loud to himself …
…..
“… she’ll just have to eat her goddamned popcorn with butter tonight … ” !
…..
( … he wondered if she’d know the difference …
but
he knew better … )
continued …
London Broil Redux
continued … why feta cheese, he wondered ?? … she said it had something to do with goats milk and the symbyotic relationship goats have with tomatoes ..??
*****
she gloated it over him …
the meat thing, i mean …
and the fact that he wasn’t working …
…..
naturally, he didn’t want to make waves
so he ate the damned feta cheese ..
(after all … he WAS unemployed) …
…..
but he would NOT give in when she asked if he
liked the feta cheese … !
…..
she always laughed,
‘i can tell by the look on your face it sickens you!!!”
…..
one night he had to leave the table after eating
a piece with green mold … !
…..
after that,
he hated bleu cheese more than ever … !
…..
she followed him to the bathroom
chortling the whole way,
‘’i know why you’re sick you flack ass,’’ she said …
“it’s that cheese you liar … ! you hate it … !’’
…..
he told her he thought it was
something he ate at the unemployment office …
she laughed again …
’’probably one of those meaty hot dogs you like so much you
meat eating, in denial vegetarian … !”
she said it with a
shit eating grin on her face …
…..
she put her arms around him which
he though was kind of nice for a change but
she faked one of those knee jabs to his crotch …
…..
when he doubled over she called him a
doofey unemployed jake ass …
…..
he laughed to himself …
”what the hell is a ‘jake ass … ?”
continued …
If You Liked ‘… It All Happened That Night” You’ll Love This ….. London Broil
They had meat for dinner almost every night …
but for months he had been eating tomatoes and feta cheese for dinner even though he hated feta cheese …
he couldn’t stand the taste and it made him sick …
she insisted all along he become a vegetarian and she insisted he eat feta cheese even though he loved meat and potatoes …
” .. honey ,” she said, “as long as you bring home the bacon you can have whatever you want … !”
which …. this was the problem … !
he hadn’t worked for months and
tomatoes with feta cheese is a LOT cheaper than
two people eating london broil … !
(even though they had plenty of money … )
it was her idea he only eat feta cheese and tomatoes …
he just shook his head …
why feta cheese, he wondered ??
… she said it had something to do with goats milk and the symbyotic relationship goats have with tomatoes …. ???
continued …
It All Happened That Night IV
“truth of the matter is …” she said, ” i wasn’t paying attention to a word you said … !” i had other things on my mind … ” continued …..
Then she says, “Why don’t we go inside where the fireplace is and have a brandy?”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“Why not? Maybe we could have a steak afterward.”
She said the food at the lodge was lousy.
I thought “Won’t she be surprised?!
I didn’t even think there was a fireplace over there! It’s one of the worst lodges in town! And it’s not that big of a town!”
Then i remembered it was Sunday!
I was pretty sure they weren’t serving liquor on Sunday!
Boy was she mad!
That was about the funniest thing that happened all day!
You should have seen the look on her face!
It was pure irony!
continued …
…..
It All Happened That Night III
I told her I wasn’t really trying to be rude which didn’t seem to satisfy her at all so i said it again, hoping she’d understand!
But she didn’t.
She got mad as hell!
“I hate that Dick … !!” she said. “He’s so goddamn irresponsible!”
I noticed she was looking over my shoulder at the bright lights of the lodge.
I could see that glint she gets in her eyes when she thinks there’s a bar within reach.
“What are you looking at?” i asked.
She said she was sorry she was so mean.
“You weren’t being rude!” she said. “But i still think it’s your fault!”
“Truth of the matter is,” she said, “I wasn’t paying attention to a word you said!”
Pause …
“I had other things on my mind!”
continued …
It All Started That Night
It was a cold night! I mean, it was cold as hell! It felt like there was ice between my jacket and my shirt!
She had that mink thing on but it only covered her neck!
We stood outside waiting for about a half hour!
Finally i said, ‘’Where in the hell are Dick and Jeannie?“
She got that quizzical look on her face! “UH-OH,”I thought. “Here comes another one of her zingers!”
“I’m freezing my tukkus off … !” she said. “You told me it wouldn’t be that cold!”
I knew I had done no such thing. So i said, “I did no such thing!’’
So she says, “Well, that’s what i’m talking about!!”
She was so angry she spit the words right out out at me!!
I didn’t want to be rude. So i took the blame.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “If I would have known … ”
Pause …
“I thought Dick and Jeannie were going to meet us here anyway!”
“Dick and Jeannie ! For christ’s sake they’re the last people i want to see on a night like this!”
It All Happened That Night … A Re-post
It all started that night when I wasn’t sure what she was asking me … !
At first i thought it had something to do with skiing!
Truth of the matter is … I didn’t know WHAT she was thinking but I didn’t want to say anything.
I thought, that maybe we were supposed to be meeting Dick and Jeannie for a night out at the lodge!
Or maybe it had something to do with that scheduled court date?
When you get right down to it, it didn’t make any difference to me. As far as I was concerned, it was six of one and one of those bakers dozen of the other … (i heard someone say that once … it put a smile on my face …)
So i said “OK!”
You know … ! I had to be positive … !
I KNOW how she is about that ‘being positive’ stuff. She’s always stressing it so much … which, well … most of the time I think I AM positive but, does a little more than 50% of the time mean most of the time? I’m not sure.
So I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings … !!
Later that evening we drove out to the lodge.
continued …
A Day In the Life … V
decided not to go to Wall Mart to exchange the water purifier and furnace filter until later so …
maybe i’ll just mess around with the mower to see if i can fix it so i don’t have to buy a new one … i’m torn now … should i go outside, get some fresh air and work on the mower or stay here, take some measurements and weigh the magazine rack so i can get them both posted to ebay? … or, maybe i should just keep writing because that’s what i really want to do anyway …..
so, there it is …. my day … a day in the life of one person … it hasn’t been a BAD day … fairly normal by my standards … i have to go out for food later … i have to go to WAL mart to exchange that stuff i bought but i hate to shop at Wal mart for food (even though they have better produce) or go to Neiman’s because they have great bagels .. i figure i’ve got plenty of time to make a decision … meanwhile i’ll type and maybe in a few minutes i’ll know whether to go work on the mower .. i guess i’ll try to post at least one item then go to Wal mart AND go to Neiman’s … but i have no idea what i want for dinner … not another bag dinners please !! but what???
well … like i said .. it’s been fairly normal … i hope you all have had a healthy happy day full of wonder and surprise and magic moments and the feeling of accomplishment .,.. if that’s something that turns you on … i hope you love and were loved and i hope you read a great book or learned a lesson in life … maybe had an epiphany about something and this is what i want for everyone reading this for i love you all and i am astonished by you reading these words and my heart is full but most of all i hope you laughed and laugh and will laugh and laugh and laugh … ks
The End Of A Day In the Life ,,,,,
A Day In the Life …
… i happened to pass by the laundry room on the way to the bathroom, i saw some jeans that needed to go into the dryer …
… so i put them into the dryer then i started to move the furniture back to where i wanted it … when i finished i remembered i was going to take a shower so i went in and took all the tools out of the tub, put them where they needed to be … oh! there was the sandwich ! i hadn’t eaten it all … so i continued eating the sandwich while walking around looking for my camera (so i could take a before and after picture of the tub) … when i remembered taking some cool pictures a couple of days ago … i decided to take a look a them … so i sat down, logged in, started to peruse when i looked over and saw two globs of grape jelly on the floor … shit! after considering my options i grabbed an old wash cloth, wet it down in the bathroom and wiped up the jelly … ummm i wonder if i should throw the washcloth in the laundry basket … hell yes, so i threw it into the laundry basket then, i remembered there was dirt in the tub from when i was doing my problem solving, so while i was in the laundry room i grabbed the shop vac went into the bathroom and and sucked it up …
continued ….. while sucking i noticed how lousy the baseboards looked so ,,,,, continued
Sweet Susan’s Battle Shoes/ Stocks and Foreclosure’s Innocent Whore Wars
I
… or i might come up here and find white and dazzling, diamonds, chicken legs, easter eggs on the inland innersoles, sparkling off beverage water, trillions of carats for hugs and what not … dazzling iridescent half life ur-anal-ium penetrating the bones of dry spirit tides where clothes fit right and everything flows down hill and glows big and horney inside … i might do that … among other things …
II
but, it doesn’t matter … what’s right or wrong, what the others think stinks … in the quietude of pine sole comet’s trees, topped with coke head oafs big as gel but barely pee-wee’s dandy … and more leading the way … i’d say his lighthouse visions crossed the bay with her diamonds pale compared but, .. who cares! her snare drum hair beating, her breast fed mortuary johnny come lately money policy … so what?
III
Yeah ….. ancient beasties water driven motion detectors, thousands and hundreds of million trillions of magi millions and scallions of spent worthless money … filthy lucre. Yes!! i remember well, the spent crystal aquiline stasis of your heart’s treasure spent succinctly, sewn completely, loved with weaklings linking sausage casings, the joints of smokey joes.
IV
so go! ‘cause i can’t stand it! or your betrayal, like it or not you say. so i’ll just stop before my eyes burn me inside, before it might get worse and then i’ll have to throw up on my shoes!
V
i’ll just throw this in the shit can anyway since it stinks all betrayers of kind courtesy, the likers of no mercy where words speak from outer spice land and you don’t even know what to do about it but lay around and round watching the spinning the wheel you lazy bum.
VI
they say YES of life! Well i say NO and NO AND NO . and i don’t care anymore … I feel their breadth and width within my sternum’s access … my ribs too! but, i WILL adore the annals of the floor where i parked naked shoes awaiting distant travel, voyages abroad, before coming home to mama … her manna … from the dead zone before i died outside the window of my soul .. where i saw it all ..!
VII
there’s a place where life is never bare of mice and madness, where the world will come again flogging itself with delight every step of the way … that dusty old road from the time i thought i’d see it end and saw it once again … then could i never see again … blind from day one … born with massive hydroseals below the breasts of women’s madness …
… but, they couldn’t help themselves! the poor sweet things, they wanted love but made more evil by men who besieged them, held them prisoner in bonds of deepest despair their love warped and cruel and rotten and usury to the core … unstable men, mean mother fuckers users abusers confusers bastard misers thwarted useless pliers, lovers of pain scorn hurters driven to kill savannah beasts on parade. then? … the end in sight? Never!! i knew it wouldn’t last. the end will never end … never … i knew it never could … i knew it never would … they’ll always be the same … no matter …
all in all three times work made it pay, but it never paid so well as the day that i was born, gone on my way but never older .. not one day older, not one day older not one day. so sad.
VIII
nor will i climb that wall of desire between the sheets and the knot holes i found in the layers of my mind functions lost. It’s layered spaces!
IX
my summers lost till spring when you are me and i am we when we ran together, when we drank our fill. you know what I’m talkin about!!
all i know is, there’s killers out there the likes of which you’ve never seen, who lie their likes and dislikes, their false revenue spent on selfish lust while nevermore have i seen such platittdes of ridiculous loneliness and pain. NEVER!!!!!
The End
The Kathy and Derek Chronicle … End …
….. Since no one really cared about Scooter Man or the penis on the sign, I knew the drivers of all those cars were going to start getting pissed at me.
So, I figured it’s time to get the hell out of there.
continued …
I made eye contact with my laughing friend, felt the common bond of friendship and shared mirth between us, shrugged my shoulders and walked three steps left toward my car door which was still open.
…..
I slid into the black leather of the Mustang but, before slamming the door, craned my neck and looked back at my friend … her head still visible outside the window, the rear view mirror of her car obscuring the bottom half of her face.
…..
When I had her in my sights, I pointed at the yard sign and … for the last time … yelled, ’’BUT THERE’S A PENIS IN THAT SIGN!’’
…..
I pulled the car door shut, put the Mustang into first gear, looked both ways and slowly let out on the clutch. A split second before moving through the intersection I looked into the left side, rear view mirror.
…..
My friend’s head was still
outside of her
window …
She still had that
shit eating grin
on her face but
now
her head bobbed up and down and
up and down and up and down …
Just like one of those
bobble headed
hula girl statues I
remember when I was a
boy
that my grandparents displayed
on the shelving unit that
separated their tiny little
living room
from their
tiny little
kitchen …
The End …..
The Kathy and Derek Chronicle Part VI
… his head and shoulders bounced up and down from giggling laughter, he suddenly turned and an instant later all I saw was his back receding away as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.
Meanwhile, six or seven cars had lined up behind my friend’s car oblivious to the circumstances at hand, their passengers anxious to move past the stop sign and continue along on their various well worn paths.
I looked at the face of the female half of my friends relationship, her head still outside of the passenger side window.
With a shit eating grin still on her face she yelled, ‘’So, whaddya been doing with yourself these days!’’ then laughed hysterically, while I stood on the black top with a grin on my face.
Suddenly, I realized I was all alone, my car running without me in it … facing a line of incoming traffic growing longer by the minute. I started to feel their resentment ratchet up.
Like … even if they knew what was happening because they’d seen Scooter Man trapped under his scotter … they still wouldn’t have known about the penis on the sign … which wouldn’t have made any difference anyway, because the real reason traffic was being held up was, I was totally debilitated by the absurdity of the penis on the sign and my friends were debilitated by the sight of me being debilitated by the penis on the sign.
So … how were all those people supposed to know that?
Since no one really cared about Scooter Man or the penis on the sign, I knew the drivers of all those cars were going to start getting pissed at me.
So, I figured it’s time to get the hell out of there.
continued …
The Kathy and Derek Chronicle V
… all thoughts of Scooter Guy evaporated. The penis inserted between the A and D seemed to have grown larger and much more prominent than before. I asked myself, why in God’s name would Scooter Guy insert a penis between the R and D of his yard sale sign in the first place?
I pointed at the sign, turned to look at my friend and while looking into his eyes shouted, ’’But there’s a penis on that sign! Can’t you see it!”
My friend’s eyes were squinting … his teeth still showed. While his head and shoulders bounced up and down from laughing, he suddenly turned and an instant later all I saw was his back receding away as he rushed toward the passenger side of his car.
continued …
To Pee Is To Be … Oh No! Not Again …
i’ve been reading these blogs
this person writes
that are pretty inspirational …
…..
and they’re funny … !
they make me laugh … !
i mean,
they make me laugh really
hard … !
…..
one time i laughed so
hard i peed my pants … !
…..
i have to be careful about that
sort of thing …
…..
i was at Radio Shack
the other day walking down the
“Used Tube” aisle
when i saw chris rock
on one of their display tv’s …
…..
i laughed so hard
i wet myself …
…..
i asked the manager if i could use the bathroom
but he said it was for
paying customers
only .,..
so i had to buy that t.v. i was
telling you about …
…..
too bad …
the blower in the bathroom was broken
so i could’t dry my pants
and
the manager refused to give me
a refund …
…..
eventually
i had to put my ‘man panties’ on and
walk the walk …
…..
i’m sure that if i would have read
that one post that really
inspired me
(… before all of this happened …)
i would have had the inspiration to
turn my head away from
chris rock …
…..
as it was ..
when i tried to put the t.v.
it in the trunk of the mustang
it flipped out of my
arms and
broke ….
Anger … By K.S. Part II
Seriously! This is not some serious shit!!
Depending on your level of passion anger can be great creative fuel!
The best way to sublimate anger … other than creating your own personal masterpiece … is through humor!!
If you turn anger into being funny you can deflate its destructive tendencies while creating your personal masterpiece AT THE SAME TIME!
Think what would happen if you took all the bullets away from terrorists, gave them plastic guns and made them believe they were shooting invisible bullets! Now THAT’S funny! Isn’t it??
Wull, maybe that’s not a great example. I can’t imagine a bunch of terrorists running around laughing because of the absurdity of shooting invisible bullets!!!
Eventually you’d probably get shot … or killed! That wouldn’t be funny but who knows … maybe this is the creative humor that terrorists have!?
The point is … sublimating anger can deflate other anger if you express it creatively!!
The same thing can be said about Truth … oh, and Love.
When I finished writing my comment, I told her … that’s all i have to say otherwise i’ll go on ad nauseum (sp) … and i don’t want to make myself sick … !!
I thanked her for reading my two blog postings; “The Gray of Darkest Night” and “Life … Knowledge” part II and said good bye.
Thanks for reading this. ks
I’ll Have London Broil With My Popcorn
(for ‘sis … )
they had meat for
dinner almost every
night …
…..
but for
months
he had been eating
tomatoes and
feta cheese
for dinner
even though he
hated feta
cheese …
…..
he couldn’t stand the
taste
and
it made him sick …
…..
she insisted all along he become a
vegetarian
and she
insisted he eat feta cheese
even though he
loved
meat and
potatoes …
…..
” .. honey ,”
she said,
“as long as you bring home the
bacon
you can have whatever you
want … !”
…..
which ….
…..
this was the problem … !
…..
he hadn’t worked for
months
and
tomatoes with feta cheese is a
LOT
cheaper than
two people eating
london broil … !
…..
(even though
they had plenty of
money … )
…..
it was her idea he only
eat
feta cheese and tomatoes …
…..
he just shook his
head …
…..
why feta cheese, he wondered ??
…..
( … she said it had something to do with goats milk and
the symbyotic relationship goats have with
tomatoes …. ) ???
…..
she gloated it over him …
…..
… the meat thing, i mean …
and
the fact that he wasn’t
working …
…..
naturally,
he didn’t want to make
waves so
he ate the damned
feta cheese …
(after all … he WAS unemployed) …
…..
but he would NOT
give in
when she
asked if he
liked the
feta cheese … !
…..
she always
laughed,
‘i can tell by the look on your face it sickens you.!!!”
…..
one night he had to leave the
table
after eating a piece with
green
mold …
…..
(… he hated bleu cheese even more … !)
…..
she followed him to the
bathroom
chortling the whole way,
‘’i know why you’re
sick you
flack ass,’’
she said …
…..
“it’s that
cheese you
liar … !
you hate it … !’’
…..
he told her he thought it
was something he
ate at the
unemployment
office …
…..
she laughed again …
’’probably one of those
meaty hot dogs you like so much
you
meat eating, in denial
vegetarian … ,” she said with
a
shit eating
grin on her
face …
…..
she put her arms around him which
he though was
kind of
nice
(for a change)
but she
faked one of those
knee jabs to his
crotch …
…..
when
doubled over she called him a
doofey
unemployed jake ass …
…..
he laughed …
(what’s a ‘jake ass’ he wondered …. )
continued …
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !
– 8 –
if you really care,
here’s what finally
happened …
continued …..
after the laughter died down,
I played it real
cool …
…..
i stretched, like i had just
finished putting the
finishing touches on my
Ph.D. thesis and was
satisfied with the
results …
…..
i stood up …
(… very nonchalantly of course …)
(being careful not to
knock over a nearby
wastepaper
basket … )
and
walked by Carol’s
desk …
(passing in front of all three of them)
toward the edge of the
door
i
fixated on when
i had
all those thoughts about
Alexander Graham Bell …
…..
I dropped my
paperwork into the
Inbox,
(attached to the
door) …
turned around and before anyone could
say anything
I said,
‘Hey, I gotta go.
I left my car
running …
have a great day … ! ‘
…..
‘Oh! and
carol (!) …
call me if you’ve got
an assignment for me
O.K (?) …
i promise i’ll check my
messages … ’
and walked
away …
…..
before the door closed i
turned my head and
looked back
into the
office …
…..
the three of them were
looking at me with
smiles on their
faces …
jennifer
(the aggressive one)
looked like the
girl from the
Exorcist
the way her
head
was twisted
around …
…..
i was trying really hard to
continue being
nonchalant …
.…..
i heard the door
click
behind me and
finally (!)
i was
free … !
…..
I pictured myself
walking away ..
limping (of course)
because of that
stupid hip of
mine …
…..
i wondered if they were
looking at me through the
window
thinking
what a ‘’Clyde’’ I
was …
…..
*****
to tell you the
truth …
sometimes Life seems like a
never ending series of
funny episodes …
…..
but
a lot of the
time
it’s a
pain in the ass … !
…..
*****
the end of this episode was
pleasing
enough …
…..
i was happy to get the
hell
out of there
unscathed …
able to go
back to my
car without
beating up on
myself
(… like i usually do …)
for doing something really
stupid …
…..
i’m not even sure if
what happened wasn’t really
stupid … !
…..
but i
guess as long as they
all had
smiles
on their
faces …
everything
worked out
just …
fine …
Fini …
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !
– 7-
Just before the cackling started to
die down I knew the room was
going to get
quiet …
…..
I knew a further comment
would be
expected …
…..
i got
nervous …
…..
i tried to
think of something to
say …
…..
a soft voice inside my
head kept saying,
‘’quiet, quiet,
quiet … ‘’
…..
I decided to
refrain myself and
shut up for a
change …
…..
I realized that
in the
aftermath
of their
laughing fit
I had an
opportunity to
get the hell out of there
unscathed
by any
criticism for turning in
my paper work
late
IF
I could seize the
moment without
saying something stupid
thereby …
starting the talk cycle
all over
again …
…..
I was in the
cusp
so to
speak …
…..
I could have
disappeared to the
far side of the
moon
at that point in time
or
laid flat on the
surface of a
full moon
fully exposed for
all three of them to
take pot shots
at …
(whatever in god’s name that means) …
…..
I know you’re probably waiting with
‘baited breath’ to
know what happened next
which…
I don’t even know what
‘’baited breath’’
means …
…..
does it mean you’re trying to
catch some part of another
person in your
mouth … ?
…..
does it mean you’re going to
reel them in with your
tongue … ?
…..
baited … ummmmm ..
baited to catch
what … ?
…..
the tiny morsels of
thought that
escape from my pea
brain … ?
…..
Or, maybe baited breath has to do with
being aware that
someone might be
trying to tell you a
fish story … ?
…..
Well …
I know this is all
ridiculous …
…..
but,
if you really care,
here’s what finally
happened …
continued
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !
– 6 –
… when that wall of sound washed over me me it
knocked my head straight back …
don’t they call that the G note,
or something like that … ?
……………
what’s funny is …
I wasn’t even trying to be
funny … !
…..
it was one of those moments when i found myself
unconsciously being completely
honest … ! almost like I was having an
out of body experience … !
spontaneous, innocent honesty is so
out of the realm people’s lives … !!
because it’s so rare … so totally unexpected …
it makes people laugh … !
…..
wull … what’s even funnier still is, …
looking back i see myself continuing to
ponder the question … !! .. !
like, maybe Alexander Graham Bell was trying
to figure out a way to let his servants know
it was time to bring the soup
to the dining room upstairs …?
…..
or, maybe he didn’t even know what the
damn thing would be used for … he just knew
someone ELSE was trying to invent one
and HE wanted to be first … !
so therefore … how could ANYONE really
KNOW why the telephone was invented … ?
…..
i knew those three women had absolutely no idea
that the question had taken on such ridiculously high
philosophical dimensions to me …
…..
and i damn sure wasn’t going to give them
even an inkling of
what I was thinking …
… continued …
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !
– 5 –
Here’s how it happened …
When Carol,
(the aggressive one) said,
‘’Why do you think phones wereinvented … ?’’
I looked up and stared over at Suzanne’s office
… on the other side of Carol’s desk …
into the tiny space between the edge of the open door and the
window on the far wall …
I don’t know why I fixated on that particular spot …
i stared at it wondering …why WERE telephones
invented … ?
i knew damn well they weren’t invented
so that people could be called for
work assignments … !
I was being totally over analytic
as usual …
coming up with all kinds of thoughts on the
subject …
for a split second I even saw Alexander Graham Bell
calling his assistant …
( … what was his name … Watson …? )
to come upstairs because
he had spilled some chemical on his
hand …
all of this thinking and wondering happened
within a split second but,
I guess the timing was right … you know …
one beat ….. two beat …..
the room got real
quiet …
suddenly it dawned on me …
I didn’t know why in hell (!)
the telephone was invented … !
i think a confused or maybe concerned look
came over my face …
I said,
‘’wull .. I don’t know …’’ (?!)
after that all of my senses shut down completely
except my hearing … !
a wall of sound suddenly washed over me … !
you know, that high pitched cackling noise
women make when they all start laughing at the
same time … !?
don’t they call that the
G-NOTE
or something like that … ???
the explosion of sound practically threw my head backward … !!
(continued … )
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny … !
– 3 –
if I had the balls to say
” … hey, i’ve gotta go, i left my car
running … “
i’d probably be just as
capable of saying,
” … hey, i gotta go, I’ll see you guys
later … ”
continued … from -2-
Kurt Struble Writing 
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