Category: Humor
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The Agony and the Ecstasy II
continued …. “Gosh,” I realized. “Despite the fact that she doesn’t have an enlarged prostate gland and I’ve never had the urge to commit murder we have a lot in common!” Creative Genius I compared and contrasted the motivations of the diaper clad, crazed astronaut with the agony I feel when I have…
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Gile Steele On Tape
The Gile Steele Tapes; 12:15, Thursday … She walked away from that maternal relationship with deep resentment for the way she was treated, unfairly, she was punished because she withstood the attacks on her self confidence, her self possession her intelligence. They became rivals and it was the only way she could defend herself. They…
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The Tragedy
The Tragedy Dragged along on their journey of repentance after the tragedy not kicking and screaming but depressed about losing life long friends to a new world, we ricocheted through time and space to the four corners then home again to where it all began before, hoping to put pieces back together that would never…
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The Further Adventures of Gile Steele
Further Adventures of Gile Steele So, there he was at the hospital exactly a year later at the same time, same place having the same procedure performed, by the same doctor, in the same room, next to the nurse’s station where a year earlier several factors came together in the middle of the night causing an unexpected event…
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It’s Ironic
Something funny transpired today between my nurse practitioner Matt and Me after our consultation. He ended our visit saying, “These are things you have to do when you start getting older,” and so we had touched on the subject of Life. “Men don’t live as long as women you know. “ “I know,” one of us…
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Grand Canyon Phil
Lynn started having severe headaches a year and a half after marrying Phil who considered himself a libertarian pledged to be a pain in the ass to every person he met. One summer they were on vacation at the Grand Canyon riding donkeys down a trail along the canyon wall around 200 feet above the…
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G-Note Decrescendo, Finale, Bump Note
Continued. I finally realized I didn’t know WHY the telephone was invented. I stared straight ahead at nothing. With a pleading look on my face I said, ‘’Beats the shit out of me.” When I uttered those words, all my senses shut down except my hearing. All I remember is a wall of sound washing over…
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How the G Note Gave Me A Neck Ache
continued … maybe I muttered something like, ‘’well, you know how it goes,” blah, blah blah, when suddenly the woman named Linda (who’s pretty aggressive) says rather forcefully, “Why do you think phones were invented?!’’ continued … The first thing I thought was, what the hell kind of bullshit attitude is this? Was she trying to put me on the spot to test my mettle…
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FaKakda fakakda
Heard today downtown: “Fakakda this fakakda folker spoiling far a pongha fakakda, the fakakda fun a Yiddisha fakakda? that’s me! I’m the number one fakakda fakakda best fakakda there is by far! Fakakda Me! Wooh woohwhoospuke spoof woof …. Oye veigh …. so If you don’t think this is funny then I probably need to see…
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Where’s My Passport? Look Under the Underwear You Idiot!
I was conflicted. Should I return the money or go on a spending spree? I thought about going to Brazil or Paraguay or even Chechnia but, I couldn’t find my freeking passport! I looked all over the place! I got so tired of looking I said, “Screw it! I’ll stay home and watch the Ali Foreman fight on T.V.!” The…
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Zumba My Ass Once Again?
Zumba My Ass Once again he was saddened by the thought that, “She never thinks i’m funny!“ Most of the things HE thought were funny, SHE thought were either stupid or sexually degenerate. She hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the English language! And she didn’t think sex was funny which he thought was even funnier…
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London Broil: the End Again
continued … “she’ll just have to eat her goddamned popcorn with butter tonight … ! he wondered if she’d know the difference … but, he knew better … ) Two hours later when he got home she was fast asleep in bed. “Hmmmmm”, he thought. He figured that, since the next day was Saturday (and she’d be sleeping in) he’d leave early for his appointment at Peter’s Quickie Loan Place (across the…
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London Broil: Butter or Parquay?
continued … when he doubled over she called him a doofey unemployed jake ass. He laughed to himself. ”What the hell is a ‘jake ass?” he wondered. continued … Most nights after cleaning the kitchen he joined her in the t.v. room even though he hated that goddamned western channel … He usually curled up with a book by his favorite author Louis L’Amor. That one night she told him she wanted popcorn.…
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London Broil
They had meat for dinner almost every night. But for months he had been eating tomatoes and feta cheese each night even though he hated feta cheese! He couldn’t stand the taste and it made him sick! She insisted all along he become a vegetarian and she insisted he eat feta cheese even though he loved meat and potatoes.…
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It All Started At the Lodge That Sunday Night: The End
continued: I saw the glint she gets in her eyes when she thinks there’s a bar within reach. – II – “What are you looking at?” I asked. “Why don’t we go to the lodge so I can warm up by the fire and have a brandy?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Why not? Maybe we could have a steak afterward.” But, she…
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That Night At the Lodge II
Part II A Night At the Lodge It was a cold night! I mean, it was cold as hell! It felt like there was ice between my jacket and my shirt! She had that mink thing on but it only covered her neck! We stood outside waiting for about a half hour! Finally I said, ‘’Where in the hell are Dick and Jeannie?“ She got that…
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A Night At the Lodge
It all started that night when I wasn’t sure what she was asking me! At first I thought it had something to do with skiing! Truth of the matter is I didn’t know WHAT she was thinking but I didn’t want to make waves. I thought that maybe we were supposed to be meeting Dick and Jeannie for…
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My Conversation With the Cat
My Conversation With the Cat While my wife and I sipped morning tea I told my cat she was beautiful. She squinted her eyes, flicked one ear, dropped to the floor, walked across the back of the ottoman, her tail the only thing visible, looking like a curved round feather moving along the edge, turned right then, right again…
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I Was Just the Postman
midcenturyman February 17, 2018 at 11:29 pm Edit A comment I wrote about the poem titled, “When I Was Born.” This is one of my favorite pieces not just because it describes what childbirth might be like but, I think it’s beautifully written. I like how it flows and trips along with cadence and…
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The Creature From the Black Canal
The Creature From the Black Canal They kept warning me about the alligator they saw paddling around the canal in back of the house but, I scoffed at their advice. “I need to whack those weeds along the canal bank! They’re unsightly!” I said. I waited until mid afternoon so I could work in the shade…
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I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny Or, How A Chorus of G Notes Changed My Life
I Wasn’t Even Trying To Be Funny I wasn’t looking forward to going into the office because according to procedures, paper work is to be turned in the next day before ten o’clock and I was already one day late PLUS I’d be going in after ten o’clock. On top of that, when I’ve done…
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Miriam
Miriam He told me about the time he was at the hospital a year ago at the same time he would be at the same hospital this year, in the same room where last year he suffered the same procedure as he would be suffering this year .. exactly a year later. He told me…
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Deadbeat Amputee
Deadbeat Amputee Oh! Hi! … OH! Jeeze. Hi … Hey, you know what? I’m a bad person! I was tied up for a whole week so I couldn’t send you the money. My wife finally came home from Borneo and untied me from the hose I got wrapped up in when I fell hosing the back porch…
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#6 .. Transponding Transexual Transfers: A Detrimental Exchange Between Two Trainspotters From: Songs Heard But, Immediately Forgotten #6
#6 How are the transplants doing? I’ll send pics. By the way, I had an epiphany when I separated the word trans from plants. Maybe I understand what transgender means now. Isn’t it kind of like almost sorta like grafting a tree? There’s a series on TV called Transparent. It’s about a father who becomes a…
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Nick Makes A Funny Joke For Jessica
Nick and Jessica email each other. Jessica’s email address is niksgal@aol.com. Nick’s email address is nikoteen@gmail.com Nick types in niksgal@aol.com. Nick is chuckling because he thinks jessica”s going to think the joke he’s about to send her … is really funny … Nick doesn’t expect Jessica to have a laugh orgasm which is a common…
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Grand Canyon Phil
Grand Canyon Phil Lynn started having severe headaches a year and a half after marrying Phil who considered himself a libertarian pledged to be a pain in the ass to every person he met. One summer they were on vacation at the Grand Canyon riding donkeys down a trail along the canyon wall around 200 feet above the Rio Grande.…
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A Day In the Life
continued …… I HAPPENED TO PASS BY THE LAUNDRY ROOM ON THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM, I SAW SOME JEANS THAT NEEDED TO GO INTO THE DRYER … … so i put them into the dryer then I started to move the furniture back to where I wanted it. When I finished I remembered I was going…
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A Day In the Life
A Day In the Life Prologue Night words floated out of reach ‘till almost dawn … Then, morning, noon and night passed by, my wings still clipped; (far too many extraneous thoughts lurking in my peripheral vision kept me from taking flight …) I knew i’d get my inspiration back i just knew it … ! Next morning…
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ZUMBA MY ASS!
Once again he was saddened by the thought that, “She never thinks i’m funny!“ Most of the things HE thought were funny, SHE thought were either stupid or sexually degenerate. She hated the word ‘’shit’’ which he thought was the funniest word in the English language! And she didn’t think sex was funny which he thought was even funnier than the word…
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The Big Fugator From the Black Canal
They warned me about that alligator they’d seen in the canal out back. I scoffed at their advice. “But I need to weed whack along the shoreline,” I said. Later, when I turned around to whack weeds between the banana trees I felt a tug then, sharp pain. Looking down I saw teeth clamped around…
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Butter or Parkay/Or Is It Parkay Or Butter??
continued … when he doubled over she called him a doofey fake vegetarian unemployed jack ass. He smiled. “What’s a jake ass,” he thought? Part II Most nights after cleaning the kitchen he joined in the t.v. room even though he hated that western channel. He usually curled up with a book by favorite author Louis…
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The Case of the Missing Furniture
The Case of the Missing Furniture Chapter I Thursday morning I think I awoke from what I thought was a dream; doors banging open and shut echoed throughout the house/the four walls devoid of shadows looked strange and naked. The outlets seemed bored without their plugs. I knocked on every door and looked inside. Nothing! Was it a…
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Flip the Bird
Flip the Bird I was driving south on U.S. 41 in the middle lane around five thirty, hungry as hell, anxious to get home but not looking forward to another microwave chicken pot pie (I hate to cook when i have to eat by myself) when I spotted my favorite Italian restaurant so I thought,…
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Knowing That We Knew It All Along!
it slowly started appearing for a long time but I didn’t realize it until it appeared all the time then I thought back and realized that it HAD been appearing … and i knew it had been appearing even when it slowly started appearing a long time ago when I didn’t realize it! way back when it first…
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All Things Good and Wonderful
Overheard at Motel 6. “I slept like a log and pooped like a logger pooping out a log! I feel I could eat my weight in sawdust!”
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Me and I and Myself
I hadn’t seen myself in a while. We had a lot of catching up to do. There was non stop talking! I wished I’d shut up sometimes but ……. I understand … Most of the time we’re ‘buds’ but well … there WAS a lot of catching up to do and sometimes it’s so fun! And here’s…
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Coney
So … you and Coney made two … right? Well I mean like, how can you resist Coney’s charms? Ummmmm …. have you had Coney and chardanodweez …! The perfect red wine to go with Coney to … to PONY!! … BOOGEDY SHOOP! Yeeeeeeeee … Haaaa … ! Boy howdy, I bet that Coney was good ……. wasn’t…
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Wasted Away … Again …
Slush keeps ya’ from bein’ in a rush … if ‘ya don’t want to be crushed don’t rush through slush in a rush … Winds gusting 35 to 40 buffeting … This ain’t no Margaritaville … !!/I don’t care what Jimmy declares … i’m wasted away … I’m down to my last jigger … ! WHERE’S THE…
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Life Is A Mirage
… But! I have the words so why shouldn’t I use them while I still have the time?!.. That said. You’d think I’d consider the sensibility of the subject totally incoincidental of its meaning don’t you? But, I don’t. I was after all, “laced up in the shoes of indistinct possibilities wading over a river…
Tales From A Midcentury Boy / Growing Up in Michigan 
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