Gile Steele On Tape

The Gile Steele Tapes; 12:15, Thursday
… She walked away from that maternal relationship with deep resentment for the way she was treated, unfairly, she was punished because she withstood the attacks on her self confidence, her self possession her intelligence.
 They became rivals and it was the only way she could defend herself.  They were her tools of battle.  They played their games overt and covert the old lady never really ‘lost’ and She never won but, she was as adversarial as a child can be without full scale abuse the result and anyway, their’s was more covert …. warfare.
What results is, firm imprinting on the purpose of life lived every day a war of wits and the knack for closing the door on black feelings as the closet or bedroom door were locked with her inside the dark where fears were meant to grow.
Maybe when we are under assault from any power we have to identify with the power of the power that threatens us even if we don’t use the same THRUST,  or for the same purpose, it becomes part of a person physically by constant imprint when those moments came to pass and those critical, nasty, intentionally hurtful feelings are in the air …. Seldom if ever were there tender words of kindness from a mother figure more to show how it’s done and how it feels.
And yet, she parlayed her upbringing by being an fantastic mother despite the lack of leadership along those lines.
I’m beginning to believe that the strongest motivator is the desire/need impulse or whatever to ‘compensate’ for the opposite of the things that plagued us when we were growing up developing self awareness … seeing ourselves as people for the first time though fucking skewed as hell because we were seeing ourselves  through the broken lens of our parents eyes.
Perhaps this realization deep below the surface is the driving force … the little voice that is determined to win that battle, discovering by steps and increments that, the energy that drives that desire is the propelling force toward acquiring more knowledge to move forward.  Using that energy energizes.  It feels so good.
About sharing your laughter?  I shouldn’t feel alone when I tell a funny story even if it doesn’t do much more than cause another person to smile.
I tell her I have a new look it’s wearing a baseball cap with the Camel cigarette logo.
Why is that funny?  It’s the irony of wearing a hat that promotes smoking multiplied by the fact that Camel is perceived as the strongest cigarette.
I laugh while presenting the idea.  The laughter that’s generated brings energy to people rescuing them from the lonely doldrums.
LONELY DOLDRUMS … Who WAS that guy wearing the Camel hat?
She doesn’t see the irony.  I make an analogy to the Lone Ranger and “Who Was That Man Wearing the Camel Hat?”
It’s easy to deny the existence of another person when they tell you a story they think is funny.  We smile and listen and make remark to acknowledge the humor.
If you don’t laugh it’s as if the words didn’t exist.  She tells me to leave her alone before I’m finished telling the story.  There’s no laughter.  No sharing.  In essence, nothing you’ve said, or done has made a personal impact.
Two people laughing means, you’ve penetrated the personal barrier on a highly personal level even when it happens with a perfect stranger.  Sharing laughter is the highest form of ‘connection’.  Laughter is the bodies release of tension.  The relief of feeling safe.
It’s feeling safe with another person or a whole bunch of people.
I tell her I’m finally getting a haircut at ten thirty.  The reply, ‘’Aren’t you lucky.’’ I respond with humor, “No, I’m the lucky one, you’ve had at least two haircuts during the time I’ve had none.’’
She turns and with resentment attempts to disprove my claim.
I raise my hands!  It’s supposed to be funny!
She turns, without a word and walks away.  Not a word about me personally .  My long, unkempt hair doesn’t exist.
Gile Steele

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