Of Men and Mice

i’m perfectly aware that those sticky mouse traps are cruel.  but i figure the captured mice die alone.  me?  i decided the sticky side of some vinyl strips i recently used on the floor would be more humane and maybe i could find a humane way to dispose of them far enough from the cottage they wouldn’t return.   here’s what happened … so far … 

So … last night i got up to pee around three a.m.

(i don’t turn on the light so sitting to pee increases my chances of hitting the water unless i sit and the seat is down which can be painful.)

while waiting, i glanced to the left just as a tiny mouse scurried past the door opening. i jumped up and went after the sucker with all the sticky tiles i could find. then, while wiping up the dribbled pee between the toilet and the door i saw either the same little ‘mickey’ or another one, i’m not sure.

i picked up a sticky tile and threw it at the little bastard. it happened to be next to a quart can of paint. when the tile hit the paint can it formed a little tee pee under which, was the little guy.

lucky little bastard, i thought …  BUT, part of the sticky vinyl touched its tail. momentarily delayed, its little feet running in place, it managed to escape the sticky grip disappearing between the washer and dryer.

i used the sticky side of the vinyl to fish for the mother, waving it under the washer and dryer but … no stick.

i said to the little invader … ‘don’t worry you bastard, you’re an uninvited guest and your ass is grass.”

i stripped a couple vinyl tiles, dropped on some trail mix making sure there were a couple of m and m’s on the strip along with some choice pecans and a couple p nuts and laid it across the entrance to the laundry room calling it out for a little snack.

before retiring i used another vinyl strip … with some nice crunchies on it … along the baseboard behind the couch since mice like to hug the walls and the couch was a good place to hide in wait.

i put another strip on the floor between the end of the breakfast bar and the front wall thinking if there was another one, it might want to check to see if there were any crumbs laying around in the kitchen.

i didn’t know if mice can climb that well so, i covered the dirty dishes in the sink with the glass cutting board thinking … ha ha … i’ll get you you little vermin bubonic plague carrier!  (this part if fictionalized i would never leave dirty dishes in the sink.  it sounded entertaining so i wrote it.)

this morning i went on a small game hunt first checking the strip behind the couch. i found traces of hair stuck to the vinyl strip by the couch. could it have fallen on its side?

while feeling some concern that it was able to escape i laughed … maybe i’ll recognize the little bastard by missing patches of hair on its hind quarters!

i look the strip outside in the daylight to look as closely as i could, for any tiny little mousey toe prints. there were none. hmmm .. i wondered, how could that be?

but then i realized mice are smart … maybe it tried to roll over the strip???? then i realized, that would be kind of a dumb thing for a mouse to do.

i put the thought out of my mind, retiring to the laundry room since, while lying in bed i came to the conclusion that the fucker(s)(i wasn’t sure if mice bonded with mates like ducks do) probably got into the house through some cracks or holes behind the washer, dryer, hot water heater or furnace.

anxious to blunt any further incursions, i searched for steel wool after discovering an actual hole about 3/4 of an inch in diameter that i’d never seen before beneath the dryer.

i sounded like Simon Lagree stuffing the hole with steel wool. then, i discovered a large enough crack for them to slither through since i’m aware that mice have the ability to somehow morph snakelike so to get through tiny crevaces.

i stopped my evil chuckling as anger and determination took its place with a growling sound deep within my throat.

i stripped another strip of tile laying it against the smaller crack along where the wall joins the floor.

“let’m scurry down that highway to hell!” i thought.

then i realized that maybe the dryer vent could be one of their secret passages so i moved the dryer so that it lined up perfectly with the vent hole leading outside, turned on the dryer, went outside to check the wind velocity.

feeling a warm strong wind i decided that the two were lined up pretty good. i promised myself i’d duck tape the connection later.

in order to get the dryer lined up perfectly, the space between the dryer and the hot water heater had widened revealing pipes and the gas line i hadn’t noticed before. so, i slid in some vinyl strips over the tiles that the hot water heater sits on.

i got ambitious and stuck down tiles i precision cut, to cover those ugly tiles.

i had a hell of a time cutting the little triangles i needed to fit in since, little triangular spaces are always present when tiling around a round surface.

finally, thinking while snipping the little triangles, i devised a plan for trapping the little bastards.

the problem had always been … where to put the strips?? i realized that, the sticky sided vinyl strips should be placed across the entrance to any open area like, the kitchen, bathroom, laundry room AND surrounding the washer and dryer which … i will put in place tonight.

while submerged between the hot water heater and the wall i discovered two empty packets of ‘de-con’ mouse poison with little holes through which some mouse in the distant past had eaten through to get to the deadly substance. i imagined the stomach ache they must have experinced before dying.

i felt that Simon Lagree laugh involuntarily rise from my throat once again.

was i becoming psychotic, i thought … without thought or conscience about taking a life? AND what would i do if upon waking in the morning one of the little Mickeys was stuck to the vinyl strip struggling to get loose before my very eyes?

if that happened i was hoping our eyes didn’t meet since, i’d see the fear of death in the bastard’s eyes and probably want to make a pet out of it.

then i remembered having blood poisoning from a mouse bite when i was a kid trying to catch a mouse to make into a pet and decided to squash the son of a bitch with my boot heel! NOT REALLY!

i was hoping all my efforts would be preventative in nature.  i didn’t want to face that possibility since catching vermin with a sticky strip of tile is cruel to begin with but … i don’t want the bastards running around the cottage with their little droppings everywhere.  i kept thinking of the plague which was the perfect rationalization for sticky vinyl removal of mice as long as the end result is as humane as possible.

so i thought, maybe i could take it across the street and shake it off the vinyl tile which would serve a double purpose.  maybe the shaking would addle its brain enough so that it wouldn’t rememer where the cottage was and return when …. once again, the simon lagree in me rose to the surface and i pictured myself cutting its little feet off with my toe nail clippers … ewwww … too nasty and cruel to even think about. and, i’m not that kind of person but i guess everyone has a ‘shadow self’ … mine just happens to be the personage of simon lagree.

then, with a chuckle i thought, maybe i’ll take it into town where i’d stick it to the railroad tracks since recently, i’ve been hearing the train passing by each night. hahaha, i thought. this would be poetic justice wouldn’t it?

so this is how i spent my morning … setting traps for small game …

i didn’t have one of those hats you see big game hunters wearing in the Tarzan movies so i wore my Nike hat as a gag. hahaha …

then, i washed my hands really good … feeling sure that, if i didn’t i’d for sure get a bad case of the bubonic plague or at least a bad case of thrush.

that’s about it. there’s been a cold rain still going from last night. the kinder side of me keeps thinking … maybe they just came in to get warm.

i just noticed some bumps on my neck. those fucking spiders are at it again. i slapped on some cortiozone cream and started searching in the corners for those little egg sacks.

it hasn’t been a bad day. luckily it’s still raining so, i didn’t have anything better to do than hunt mice and spiders.

hopefully the rain will stop and i’ll decide i’ve done enough and abandon the hunt. or not!  maybe my obsessive tendencies will rise to the surface, i’ll lose control and be totally obsessed!

But i would like to get some work done outside … i’ll keep you posted … .

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s