The Big Fugator From the Black Canal

They warned me about that alligator they’d seen in the canal out back. I scoffed at their advice.

“But I need to weed whack along the shoreline,” I said.

Later, when I turned around to whack weeds between the banana trees I felt a tug then, sharp pain.

Looking down I saw teeth clamped around my ankle.

The last thing I remember was water forced into my nostrils and a sense of hopelessness.

I woke from my nap on the hammock sputtering, thinking I was drowning! Then I realized I had poured an entire bottle of Fuji water onto my face most of it having drained into my nose.

Hacking violently, I looked down at the canal where I saw two giant marbles slightly smaller than tennis balls floating on the surface.

When a warty snout began moving up the bank I knew I had come face to face with an alligator! A big fugator!

I looked for a limb to throw at the big fucker when the hammock flipped. I was trapped! Wrapped up in canvas like an ear of corn!!

I swayed like a pendulum before coming to rest, my head 12 inches above ground, arms clenched against my body, the Fuji bottle pressed against my crotch, watching the Gator creep up the bank, feeling totally helpless.

Between howls of laughter I heard, “Would some cheese and crackers improve your standard of living?”

Her appearance startled the gator. Quick as a lick it slid into the water; white froth and small whirlpools the only evidence it existed.

She thought turtles made the froth.

Once again she warned me about the gator.

A half hour later, free from the hammock’s grip I ate two crackers with cheese and threw up.

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