LifeOntheBizarroPlanet

Read this piece as if it is taking place in a parallel universe where all emotions are opposite ours. That is, laughing is crying and crying is laughing so, when you’re feeling really great and you feel like laughing in this universe you would be weeping.

Here goes …

I hadn’t had a drop of water for at least 15 minutes. My skin crinkled and dry at the back of my neck and elbows sounded like sandpaper.

A good half hour away Swarthmore our doorkeeper began pulling on the chains attached to the smaller 25 foot door.

“Thanks ‘Swarthy,” I said jumping off the new bike, one eye on the bike sailing down the road toward the ice rink, the other on Swarthy’s pencil thin arms, biceps the size of small mangos, amazed at the strength he was able to muster.

All twenty dogs mobbed me as the massive door crashed shut. I don’t mind their affection. The ripped, blood stained pants I wear like a ‘red badge of courage’ always seems to bring out the best in people.

All but that asshole dog with the tattooed tongue. Mom said it was born that way. I’ve been wanting to farm that fucking dog out to Clyde the neighbnor next door who constantly laughs! Jeeze maybe the dog could lower his spirits! I’m thinking he could play with the old cur until it lolls out its tongue. When he’d see the festering tongue with the words ” Life’s a bitch,” tattood might bring him back down to earth where he belongs here in the doldrums with every other dullard who lives on the lousy fricking planet”

Just as I finished drinking 2 or 3 gallons of water mom came down the steps laughing her ass off.”What’s the matter mom. Why are you in such a bad mood?”

“Some son of a bitch just gave your father $150,005 and a ’55 Olds that runs perfect!”

“Jeeze, I’m sorry mom. I know you had your heart set on that Peterbuilt semi with the railroad car attached.”

Laughing, she said, “Without the engine no less!”.

” Awww mom,” I said, “We’ll get by.”

Still laughing she said, “so how are 15 of us supposed to fit in an Oldsomobie on our imaginary vacation trips? We’ll be forced to drive the freaking thing.”

She was rolling on the ground having a laughing fit. I felt bad for her but knew if I hung around she’d start being really nice to me. I hate that even though later she snarls and tells me she’s sorry.

I hightailed it out of there through the undergrounbd passage. I didn’t even want to see Swarthmore even though he scares the shit out of me.

Later, I was wandering down that steep hill in front of the house; broken bones and carbeurator housings all over the place. Things were starting to look up when a huge boulder bounced within inches of the right side of my body. “Woah,” I thoughht that was pretty cool.

I turned around and looked up. (Ah haa.. THAT’S WHY I THOUGHT THINGS WERE LOOKING UP!)

There was Ma standing at the edge of the cliff tears of joy, wailing at the top of her lungs, her head moving side to side. She had used that big crow bar to loosen the boulder. She had had a complete mood change!

“That was a good one mom! You need to work on your delivery though.”

For some strange reason I think I had a smile on my face. Uh oh! She’s gonna think I’m making fun of her.

Her face grew still. When she laughed I knew I was screwed.

“You little bastard! Wait ’till your father gets home.”

I couldn’t help it I said, “You mean you’re not my real mom?”

She laughed even louder, bent down, stood up and began pelting me with some pretty good sized rocks. “Don’t try to change the subject you little fucker!” she said.

As she stormed away she thought, “Maybe he IS my bastard child. I have no memory of the intense humor I should have from when he was born. And he smiles and thinks being nice goes along with a smile?? Maybe he’s one of those Trumpoids?”

This was the only excuse she could think of.

I knew what she was thinking. I thought, “Maybe I WAS born on one of those Galapagos Islands: the land that time forgot! I’ve heard some mighty strange things come out of there.

Maybe that explains why everyone gets so rabid with laughter when I say that sometimes I feel like a motherless child.”,

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