Nick and Jessica: The Birth of Jessica’s Sarcasm

… I guess it’s a little like remembering  my fight with that dick head Rob Steiner.
What’s that got to do with anything?  


I don’t know.  I forgot what we were talking about for a second when you said, “boom’’ and Rob Steiner popped into my head.

Jessica is smiling at Nick, the corners of her mouth turned down.  She knows Nick is playing her.

Stop looking at me like that Jessica!  I know you’re making fun of me!  I’m a sick man remember? I’m handicapped. I should have one of those blue tags to hang on the rear view mirror except I’d probably forget where I put it.

…. if there was only one handicapped parking spot in the whole Wal Mart parking lot you’d probably forget where you parked your car! You’d probably forget your ass if it wasn’t attached to your butt. He he ….

Right. That’s a real good one. So, what’s the difference between my ass and my butt?

It’s too hard to explain Nick …

The limits of your sarcasm know no bounds do they Jessica?

Don’t complain about my sarcasm. You fathered my sarcasm that time in 6th grade when you were getting a drink of water and that ass-hole Rob Steiner pushed your head down and your nose hit that round metal thing where the water comes out and you got that bad ass nose bleed? You were bleeding all over the place and I thought it was so funny.   You were so pissed.  I was pointing my finger at you: I called you ‘’red man’’ and gave you my hyena laugh. You said, ‘’Shut up Jessica, or I’ll throw blood on you.’’ I could hardly understand what you were saying with your hand over your nose and mouth like that.  “Go ahead,” I said then ran away laughing. I never made a sarcastic remark until that time. You might say that you were the reason this unique and charming aspect of my personality came into being.  So thanks Nick, for making me the sarcastic bitch  I am. he, he …

I don’t want to go there, Jessica …. you DO know that I beat the shit out of Rob Steiner later on in 9th grade, don’t you?  OKaaak, okaaa … so it was 3 years later and for a completely different reason but, I got him good in the back of the school after he challenged me to a fight.   A lot of people were there.  Even a lot of the “big kids”.  He called me a son of a bitch and I bashed him in the nose.  I think he bled a lot more than I did.  I think I …

Jeez … I forgot all about that fight.  That was a pretty emotional day for me.  You just dredged it out of my memory.  I can see it crystal clear now.  Maybe that’s an example of one of those “other world” experiences you’re always telling me about.  When you mentioned it, the whole experience just popped into my brain crystal clear … It was so ‘unreal’ … how could I forget?   Just before you punched him, he called you a son of a bitch.  It seemed to make you so mad.   

About a week earlier, my dad told me that if anyone ever calls you a son of a  bitch, they’re calling your mom a dog.  I’ve often wondered what would have happened if my dad wouldn’t have said that.  When Reiner called me a son of a bitch it made me so mad.  Who knows, if my mom hadn’t entered the picture maybe Rob Stein would have kicked the shit out of me!

I guess you got lucky.  After you hit him and the blood gushed out, you turned around and stormed away real bad assed like. Your fists at your side.  Ooooh …. scary.  The crowd parted for you like the Red Sea.  Jeez Nick, think about all the symbolism. (Jessica uses her finger to name things one at  time) Rob Steiner made your nose bleed.  It was the birth of my sarcasm then, an ocean or a SEA of RED blood came  pouring out of  Rob Steiner’s nose and THEN the crowd is parting for you … like you’re frickin’ MOSES parting the Red Sea!

(Jessica makes a funny gagging noise inside her nasal passages … ghghghghghg …)  

Hey, that’s pretty good Jessica.  I should have changed my name that day.

To what?  Moses?  Jesus  Nick,  that would have been kind of cheesy . …..  

No you stoop!  To Red!  ha ha ha I got you on that one didn’t I Jessica!  Pretty funny huh?

Yeah, that was a good one!  A real zinger, a regular laugh riot … I almost split a gut laughing … it was the funniest thing I….   continued … 

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