There was his face …
A mixture of youthful mirth, his right eyebrow a calligraphy flare at the end of a sentence, his mouth twisted into a half smile, his head cocked to the side, mischeviousness written all over the place. A question mark at the end of his eyes that said, you don’t know what I’m thinking do you?
His eyes lost expression. He looked into her. He saw the color and its dark circle corona and the black pool …
She stared back . Her benign smile said, “What’s on your mind?”
Tell me about your excellent day.
He said, “I spoke softly and the vibrations went into people and made them feel good.”
“There were plenty of smiles and laughter. It felt like I was spreading something around. It seemed like people were flowers that hadn’t had water in a week. I gave them a drink of miracle grow and they perked up for a bit… took in a little more sunshine. It seems strange that I can pass all this positivity around but i can’t spread it to myself. Fear still lurks. Fear can pounce without warning. A crystal vase that can fall and shatter in a heart beat.”
I know his states of mind the way he thinks … his moods, both bright AND dark but I only see his light. Only HE knows and sees the dark.
So you were fearful a lot of the time?
“Fear!!… that common concoction that mixes so well with just about any situation.
You have nothing to fear. This I’ve never understood.
My feelings, my thoughts are a river that carries a river boat. The boat is my physical self. It and I float along on the feelings that are beneath, they are the feelings you have at that moment …….. and no matter what you think you feel it’s bigger … It’s the river and then … well you know. There’s so much more. There are forces that control the river! The river is a constant force … a powerful force.
And, when you have a day like today what’s it like?
The guys in the engine room had that engine running smooth. The fuel injectors were working perfectly. I was at the helm of the ship. I took it to different places and I was in complete control although, I only thought I was. The engine was still in control but the river controlled the engine …. still … everything ran smooth for a change. Even the boat thought it was in control but it’s not. But, it’s so great! I steer into little coves and inlets. I explore little communities along this journey …
I can stop for a while, and even get out of myself for a change.
Waiting .,…. Thinking …..
Oh, you know … that’s when you stand back … apart from your ‘ME’ … you SEE the world …. not ‘ME’ … for what it is. That damn ”Me” … it always obscures things …
I can watch the river flow by and I understand it better. I see logs out there on swirly sub currents. Murky water, whirlpools for crying out loud! I don’t even want to go there!
I don’t know where the source of that fucking river is. I ask myself, what is the source of that raging river? A little stream like the mighty Mississippi? Or, does it bubble to the earth from some dark, black place within the planet? Maybe I was born in that black place and bubbled up with the black water …………
Waiting … Smiling ….
……… Although, there are times most often when the river is clear and runs smooth and it’s a pleasure to coast along at a slow enough pace that the world looks beautiful and you have time to see it as a wonderful montage …..